Wife begs husband to go off hormonal BC; Husband says, 'No, I have my reasons.' AITA? UPDATED.

When this mom of two desperately doesn't want more kids but doesn't want to be on the pill anymore, she asks the internet:

"AITAH for not wanting to be on hormonal birth control but still wanting to use protection?"

I (28F) have been on birth control on and off for about 10 years. The only times I was off was when I was trying to get pregnant, and the subsequent pregnancy.

My husband (27M) and I have been married for almost four years. We have two children (2M and 1M), and I have stood my ground on not wanting any more children. That is, of course, subject to change but as of right now, no more. My husband wants one more, to try for a girl.

I was talking to my husband about getting off the pill, because I’m kinda tired of shouldering the responsibility of…well being responsible, on my own. Hormonal birth control can be a bit hectic on the system, and I feel like I need a break.

We don’t really have se% a lot, mainly because we have two small kids and my drive is super low. I have been trying to get my drive back up on my own, since he gets frustrated when I don’t finish during se%.

I proposed that my husband can use condoms or consider getting a vasectomy, which is a reversible process. (Important note: I’d be willing to get a tubal ligation IF it were reversible but sources tell me they aren’t. And comparatively speaking, a vasectomy is less harsh of a procedure).

He immediately got defensive, and said that he can just pull out, since it’s worked before and he’s never had any issues. Now, the pull out method isn’t super effective, and I told him that.

He started to go on about how he hates condoms (he has ahem insecurities) and that I’m being unreasonable. I told him that I do not want to be in hormonal birth control any longer, and that he can also be proactive about it, and if he chooses to keep insisting that I continue to be the only one preventing pregnancy in our relationship, we don’t need to have se%.

He started yelling, saying I’m selfish and all I care about is not getting pregnant and my needs. Like. I had high risk pregnancies and that isn’t something I’m keen on repeating.

I talked to my best friend about it, and while she understands my dilemma, she said I can’t expect him to just want to use condoms when he’s been raw dogging since we got married. I feel bad but at the same time….I don’t want to be on hormones. AITAH?

Then, OP offers this additonal information about her reproductive system in an Update:

I’m not pushing the vasectomy on him. If he wants to do it, fine. If not, there are other options that he can pursue. A hysterectomy would require me to be on HRT. I don’t want that.

Also, I noticed after I had our youngest that I didn’t want to have se% like we usually did. I wanted something more, a lot more exciting.

Something a little more. So I got one of those toys, and it’s only maybe an inch bigger than him, and my god, the explosions. I feel so conflicted. Foreplay doesn’t exist for us.

It’s one position, 15-20 minutes long each time and it’s pretty quiet. Yeah, I was not super pleased. I had discussed with my OB about getting it done and the reversal process, and that’s when she broke it to me that my insurance would make me pay out of pocket for the reversible one. I just told him really that I want to be off birth control and that there are three options: condoms, a potential vasectomy or no se%.

Birth absolutely changed my needs. Needs that he cannot or won’t attend to. I’ve discussed therapy with him, and he’s hesitant. Birth absolutely changed my needs. Needs that he cannot or won’t attend to. I’ve discussed therapy with him, and he’s hesitant.

So my libido actually does sky rocket off birth control. When we were trying for my oldest, we were f~~ng like rabbits, I wanted it all the time. The only time I get in the mood is during ovulation. IUDs are mostly hormonal, and I do not want that.

Let's see what readers thought about this dilemma.

crystal writes:

NTA. It’s his time to take some of the responsibility for contraception, your request isn’t unreasonable and it’s not selfish either. Although a vasectomy might not be reversible as that’s not a guarantee, I think the success rate for them is 60-95%.

ladya7 writes:

Hormonal birth control can certainly wreak havoc on your body. In me, it caused blood clots and I can no longer use it. I have a copper iud now and that works for me.

The fact that he is so insecure, selfish and uneducated about the subject he'd rather shoulder 0 of the risk or responsibility speaks volumes.

Tell him about the risks of hormonal birth control, that you want to try something else. Also, I hear the pill can actually suppress your se% drive. Maybe you can appeal to his single brain cell (after fact checking that, my memory is spotty at best) that way, too. Though I wouldn't, he'd probably take it as a promise for more sex or something. NTA.

beat66 writes:

NTA. For so many reasons you are not the AH. You don't want another kid in the short term. He wants one as soon as possible. That is not 100% up to him.

He yelled and called you selfish. What is actually selfish is trying to demand that your partner get pregnant again.

Hormonal birth control can wreck your libido. The other thing that can wreck your libido is a husband who doesn't respect the fact that you don't want children right now.

If I were in your position I would just refuse to have se% with the man unless he is verifiably wearing a condom. You get to set the conditions for when and if se%y times happen. Not him because he's not the one at risk of getting pregnant.

He should prioritize you, your needs, and most importantly the needs of your two boys. You should only have a third child when AND if you feel ready for that. Do not let him continue pressuring you.

rag7 writes:

NTA I don’t understand the need for more kids. Two is enough. You don’t have to keep pumping them out until you get a girl. That’s ridiculous. What if you get pregnant again and it’s another boy?

Is he going to want to try again? Plus you’ll end up stuck with another boy that he’s always going to be disappointed wasn’t a girl. Trying to have children of a certain sex isn’t a good idea and isn’t healthy for a marriage, especially if you’re going to be the one raising them for the most part.

This guy really needs to just get a vasectomy and be done with the whole having children thing.

thrihi writes:

I'd just like to note that trying just one more time for a girl is a great way to have 5 sons. And the pull-out method is a GREAT way to get pregnant again.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. NTA. I think it's entirely reasonable to want to give your body a break from birth control and in some cases it does increase sex drive when you go off of it. I do think you should talk to your OB/GYN if you want to talk about non-hormonal options, just to get a full picture of what those might be like.

And for anyone crapping on you for "ruining your marriage" with your low sex drive must not be caring for a 2 year old and 1 year old right now. It's exhausting. And being pregnant back to back like that? It's hard on your body!

Tell him you love him, you are happy with his size and abilities in bed, and you're happy to explore alternate brands of condoms until you find one you're both happy with but you need to stop hormonal BC.

hungin writes:

Wow. It’s guys like that who make me grateful I’m not married. What a douchebag. I think you’ve been MORE than reasonable.

Any man who b&ches and moans about how uncomfortable condoms are loses all credibility considering everything women put up with including but not limited to statistically less se%ual satisfaction from penetrative se% and shouldering the majority of the burden of pregnancy.

It’s the least he can do. The type of guy who whines about condoms and throws tantrums over his wife having boundaries isn’t going to listen to reason. What a child.