'She stopped wanting kids but never told me until it was too late.' AITA? + UPDATE
"When my wife and I got married four years ago, we both wanted children. Now, after four years of marriage, she changed her mind without ever telling me."
We met when she was a college freshman and I was a sophomore, and we started dating about two years after meeting. We really hit it off—she is the most wonderful person I’ve ever known. We get along great together and have always had a good relationship for the most part (obviously, like every couple, we have our fights, but we’ve always been good except for the past few weeks).
Children have always been very important to me. I love kids, I’m a huge family person, and I’ve always wanted to have several (at least three). She knew that since before we even dated; and I always understood that she wanted to have kids, too.
When we started dating, it obviously came up, and she laughed at my enthusiasm for a big family but said it was “cute” and she wants to have kids, too, in the future. When I began to prepare proposing to her, we obviously had to confirm some stuff, and once again she told me she wants to have kids.
I let her know that I want to have kids early, since I really don’t want to be an old dad. I want to be able to play with them, have the energy to spend time with them, and look like I’m their dad and not their grandpa. She understood, too.
We got engaged, then married, and all this time, when people asked us when the kids were coming, she answered perfectly normally and said maybe sometime soon after the wedding.
I’d like to stop just to say that I didn’t marry her to have kids, nor do I consider her a baby factory. We dated for a long time and I really genuinely love her. I’m just making sure that you can tell that it was established many times before and during our marriage that we were going to have kids, and that she knew how important this was to me and that she herself told me she considered it important to her, too.
After getting married, we promised to wait at least two years before having children because we wanted to make sure we had a happy marriage and enough money to properly care for a child.
So, we agreed to wait two years to settle ourselves together, travel to exotic places, work hard, and set everything up. Plus, we were still young. I was 26 when I married her; I thought 28/29 was a perfectly normal age to start having children. So we waited, at a mutual understanding.
Then, when the two years passed, I asked her about having kids. She said she was currently going through a really rigorous time at her job because she was close to getting a promotion, but the competition was tight and she really wanted to focus on it without a pregnancy getting in the way.
I understood. She eventually got the job, and it was great. Then I asked again, and she said not yet. We moved into a bigger apartment, and she said she wanted to settle in first.
I guess, by now, I should have started guessing something was wrong. More time passed, but she insisted I wear a condom and didn’t go off birth control. Then, a few months ago, I turned 30.
Now I was starting to get worried. I expected to have had at least one child by now. I don’t know why I never talked to her about her; we had always been candid about having children together, and I couldn’t possibly think of why she would change her mind.
All her excuses seemed perfectly reasonable, but now I was getting the inkling that they were just excuses. So we talked about it. I sat her down and told her that I was 30 and I felt I really wanted to have kids before a certain age had passed.
We would both be perfect parents: we’re happy together, we have a spacious home, both she and I have very high-paying jobs and could be considered wealthy, and her parents live 20 minutes away so they can always help out.
That’s when she told me she wasn’t sure she wanted kids anymore. She said she felt a pregnancy and then giving birth and caring for a baby would take too much away from the career she was building. I was crushed.
I told her she doesn’t have to quit her job for a child, but she did bring up a point about how much maternity leave would take away from her overall work performance. If she really wanted to continue working, I told her we can both totally afford a nanny for our child to care for him/her while we’re working; plus, her parents live so close.
But she told me she doesn’t want to leave our child with a stranger or her parents. It was an awful night; what hurts the most for me is the fact that she’d felt this way for a while now, and she knew how important children are for me, and she should have told me earlier so we could figure things out with more time.
After a lot of thinking, I finally told her something I thought might change her mind: I’d quit my job. I’d stay home and care for the child. She wouldn’t have to take a day off work after giving birth; I’d be here 24/7 for it and any other babies we might have.
I knew this was what I wanted; a child matters much more to me than my job. Our family income is pretty evenly split between the two of us, but even with her income alone we can still live comfortably. But she just said I wasn’t understanding her point.
Now, I’m completely lost. Here’s someone I thought I knew, and it turns out I really don’t know anything about her. I understand her goals and ambitions and respect her, but it’s still something that is important to me. It’s still something that I refuse to age and live my life without experiencing.
I’m feeling older now; I feel like I should have had a child by now and I want one soon. I don’t want to be too old when it finally starts happening. I asked her if she ever wanted a child, and she just couldn’t answer. Since then, we’ve barely been speaking.
I’m going to try to talk to her again and sort this out, because we need to decide what’s going to happen. But I don’t know what to say. I want to get someone else’s perspective, but so far we haven’t told anyone and she doesn’t want us to. I just don’t know what to do right now.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
If you want children and she doesn't then your marriage is dead. Also, you're 30 years old. My mom had me when she was 35. You're not old and you will have kids someday, but if you want kids, you gotta divorce.
I am going to hazard a guess here. When you guys were dating, your wife may have thought she could 'have it all'. Husband, kids, upwardly mobile career. The problem with this being, in many careers, workplace discrimination is a real thing.
Partiularly in the USA, where taking time off for -anything- is a detriment. Childless women will get promoted ahead of women with children, because the reality of the situation is, even with a SAHP or Nanny, there will be doctor appointments, school events and sick kids. The womans attention will be divided, instead of solely focused on the upward trajectory.
Thank you so much for such a candid and personal response. I can completely relate to what you're saying; some of my old friends are having kids now and although I'm happy for them, it hurts because I think, "Why can't I have that, too? It's what I want."
I'm going to speak to her again, but you make a great point about how important it is for both of us to be happy, even if that means ending the relationship and love we have for each other. Thanks again.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
I sat her down and we had a long talk. Basically, she said she was changing her mind about a lot of things and she wasn't sure she wanted to have kids anymore. I let her know that that was getting in the way of the plans we had made together, and she told me she knew that and apologized. So I asked her why she didn't tell me, and she admitted that she was afraid I might be unhappy.
If she had told me, I would have understood. We would have talked things through and worked something out. What hurts me most isn't that she changed her mind on something so big; it's that she changed her mind on something so big and didn't tell me about it at all, knowing how important this was to me. After about a month of a lot of talking, we came to a conclusion: there was no getting around the issue.
Our relationship was, essentially, over. I still think she's attractive, amazing, intelligent, funny, and one of the most interesting people in the world, which is why I told her that, for the sake of any future relationships, it's best we avoid contact as much as possible.
And because we didn't break up over a fight or infidelity but for a rational reason, it would be too easy for us to fall in love again or something and then simply continue the cycle.
I can't blame her for anything more than I can blame myself, and she's handled it all very well. We're truly having a "velvet divorce," if you could call it that. Splitting everything we've saved together as evenly as we can, selling the apartment and each of us moving somewhere else.
All of mine will remain mine, and hers will remain hers. She doesn't want it to be any harder than I do. Both of us have our lawyers, of course, but it's being handled with transparency and fairness as much as we can.
And yet it still hurts inside. When we finally agreed to file, I sat down and cried, thinking that I had just pushed away the most wonderful person in my life--the person closest to me and most sincere to me--over my life goal.
And then the next day I realized she had ceased to be that person to me not on the day we divorced, but on the day she changed her mind on something that affected both of us and didn't even try to tell me. Our relationship was already dying, since it lacked the trust and communication a step like that required. I think that's what's actually hurting me the most.
It won't be easy at all. But at least I've taken the steps necessary, and I think that in a few years time I'll find someone else, someone to connect with who shares my life goals. And maybe five, six, or ten years from now I'll have children with that person.
And in 20 years, those children and the mother of my children will mean so much more to me than anything in the world, and I'll be glad I became a father, because I know that's what I truly want out of life, even more than a great career or a nice apartment or a wealthy wife.
I will miss her more than anyone, and maybe in those 20 years I'll still think of her occasionally. She's been great about it, but probably because she's realized the relationship was doomed just as I did.
I hope she gets all she wants in life, and I don't mean that sarcastically or cynically. She deserves it. It really hurts and I hate to have to write it, but I figured you all deserved to know (even if it's late). Also, writing this all down is kind of cathartic, in a way.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
This is so sad. With all the cheating stories on here, these come along to point out that there isn't always a good guy and a bad guy, but sometimes just both people are victims :( I wish you and your (now ex-) wife the best, OP. Good luck!
I really wish we had an update from OP. Did he find a new “love of his life”? Does he have kids? Did his ex ever regret her decision or is she happy? Did he get through Covid alright?
The update will be she remarried and had kids.
It happens a lot. Breakup because men didnt want marriage, next relationship he is married in a year. Breakup because someone doesnt want kids, next relationship pregnancy happens in a year. Breakup because someone wanted to stay a virgin, next relationship they have sex on the first week.
It is almost as if some people need to lose something to feel like they actually wanted it all along. Or maybe they just were dragging on with something they deep down didn't want. Of course, I have no idea if that is the case here, but I have seen it happen often enough.