Wife struggling with fertility changes the locks when her husband attends his sister's baby shower. AITA? SCREENSHOTS
"AITA for wanting to see a therapist after wife changed the locks because I went to a baby shower?"
My wife and I are both 30. We tried to have our first baby for 4 failed cycles and decided to take a break for a few cycles because we were taking it pretty hard. It’s been 3 months since we tried. Meanwhile, my little sister is pregnant with her first baby which I’m very excited for. My wife was too at first.
First slide is me asking why she RSVPd no to the baby shower (2 hours away) without talking to me first. After talking that night she said I could go to shower and seemed supportive. Said she was just in her feelings.
Second slide is the week of the shower. We had therapy the next day after which wife was once again supportive of me going. Other than saying she’d miss me (I went up a day early to spend more time with family) nothing seemed off.
Third slide was a bomb drop I got during the shower.
Fourth slide, I still don’t know what in the world happened but she changed the locks to our house. We had a big argument when she came back to let me in and she insisted this was worse than me cheating on her.
It’s been almost a week since then. We’ve been to therapy again, she saw her doctor, neither of them seem too concerned because she’s acting normal now, and even wants to TTC again.
I told her I scheduled a first session with my own therapist because I’m hurt, and I don’t want to talk to her much less try for a baby until I work through this myself. She said I’m overreacting because she made it right immediately (came home and let me in the house) and hasn’t brought up how she feels about the shower since that night (except for in therapy). AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
So you guys TTC'd for four months, took a break for three, and then she locked you out of the house for not skipping a super special life moment with your own sister, after you guys had talked about it a bunch? Unless there's more to this story, you are NOR, and I would want to understand from her therapist and doctor why they aren't concerned with such erratic behavior.
That isn't to say there can't be some explanation or that you shouldn't give her time to work through her feelings, but if she's coming out of this with the sense she didn't do anything wrong here, that feels like the wrong takeaway. Support, validation, and respect are two way streets, and in those text exchanges I really only see one of you trying to understand and support the other one.
LookoutLockout (OP)
Appreciate this because no one else seeing anything wrong here makes me feel insane. Her mom called her on it a little bit, but the doctor and therapist said they’d be concerned if she locked me out and KEPT me locked out. Since she came right home and let me in, it was a “momentary lapse of judgement.”
The whole time I thought you guys maybe had a miscarriage. I get being disappointed but four months TTC is not long at all. If she is acting this unhinged, I would consider a LOT more therapy before even thinking about kids. Her actions are absolutely unreal. ETA.
LookoutLockout (OP)
I don’t know if I would have been able to go to a baby shower if we were 3 months off of a miscarriage, so I’d completely understand her POV (actually I probably wouldn’t because I know it’s different for a mother) but even I’ve wondered if this is normal. We have friends who are TTC and to my knowledge they aren’t taking it this hard.
Only 4 months? We tried for years. Years. Have one child. Tried for more but it's unlikely it'll happen for us anymore. Anyway... I'd never skip my sisters baby shower because I'd been ttc and it wasn't happening. I was honestly expecting this to be about a very recent miscarriage.
But even then. Idk. I went still went to work after mine. I didn't feel much choice in the matter. However that said I was expecting this to be a "too bad it was a week ago, and she wants us there" when really she'd probably understand.
Anyway I guess her feelings are valid not wanting to go. But to prevent you I think is wrong. And locking you out is wrong too. (I hope you documented it and filed a report. It could be the beginning of a pattern of abuse)
LookoutLockout (OP)
I’m glad you have your child. :) I thought we were both prepared for it to take some time. We’re usually patient. I’ll admit each cycle gets harder but I had no idea she was taking it this hard until we decided to pause.
Jesus Christ absolutely NOR. Calling it “emotional cheating”??? ITS YOUR SISTER. Trying to take away your ability to find joy??? Guilting you for finding joy??? LOCKING YOU OUT OF YOUR HOME over this?
Phrasing the solution like it’s all in your hands (“not until you give me a baby” after telling you she doesn’t want to start trying again)??? Bro. Is this completely out of character? Because I can’t tell if she’s an awful partner or just severely mentally ill.
You need to ask yourself if she is this... extra... in other areas of your life, too. How does she otherwise handle arguments? Does she often use manipulative, hurtful language like this? If the honest answer is yes, DO NOT have a child with this woman.
Look, I am a completely infertile woman, and never had the finances to TTC with my spouse. It hurts and it's disheartening, and I'm past the age where it can reasonably happen. So I do understand this is something she really wants.
Still, I would *never* treat my spouse like this and literally change the damn locks to the home HE HELPS PAY FOR because he went to a baby shower. That is unhinged behavior. Going this far after 4 months of actually getting a chance to try?
I'm totally projecting my feelings here, but it must be nice to have an opportunity to have a tantrum over.
I really do not like your wife.