Man hires PI to follow his wife, discovers her affair with mutual friend; 'everyone wants me to take her back.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
"Wife of 7 years cheated on me, now everyone in my circle, friends, her parents and my parents are suggesting me to take her back. Don't know what to do."
I met my wife 10 years ago. We both were in college, dated for 3 years and married for 7. She is beautiful and amazing person and everyone in my family loves her. 4 months ago, I found out my wife was having affair with a mutual friend of ours.
It was a one and half month affair, she was acting very shady at that time, she would ignore my messages, turn me down every time I try to initiate intimacy. I thought something was wrong. I did snooping but found nothing, eventually I hired a PI within 1 week I got proofs.
She was having affair with our mutual friend. I immediately confronted her, she confessed having affair. immediately she started crying, begging. Basically all classic cheater moves when they are caught...
I asked her for all details, with detailed timeline, at night gave me everything basically she was using another phone for having affair. She told me she had relations with him only 4 time and rest of time they were just hanging out and having fun.
3 days later More crying and talking crap about her self she told me that she had deleted all contracts with him and do whatever it takes to make our marriage work, she suggested MC. I denied, told her to leave me alone. I was hurt, betrayed, humiliated. She moved out to her parents.
She started texting me every hour how much she loves me and how she regrets this, and will do anything to save our marriage. After completely ignoring her for 2 days. I texted her that we are getting divorce.
She freaked out and started having emotions breakdown, my phone started blowing up with her parents, sister, friends Telling me not to end marriage and at least give her a chance.
Later that day she made a long post on FB explaining how she messed up and how she is destroyed her marriage, basically admitting her affair publicly. But I was rock solid on my decision.
She even insisted to have a lie detector test to clear my doubts, that she never cheated In the past. Bla bla Bla. I asked her for some time alone to process all this. We have been living separate since. This was all 4 months ago.
Last week I asked her for divorce and she started crying, begging for another chance. After that she visited my parents and asked them to convince me not to divorce. Last night, my parents and her parents tried to convince me to work things out.
And after she made her FB post almost all of our mutual friends were telling me how she was brave to admit her affair And that she loves me and I should at least give her a chance.
I'm on an edge of having a breakdown, she is truly remorseful and regrets this I can assure you this. I do love her and her cheating on me hurts the most. I don't know what to do! Anyone who has reconciled how are things going on?
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
We don't have kids, we were planning to have kids after this pandemics was over. We both own a business and, we work together I haven't talked to her in almost 3 months, only business related stuff.
So here's the update.
After reading all your comment and PM's I decided, Talk to my parents, I called the, and told them that I was going for divorce.
After an hour later she called me crying, not to end it. And told me to at least meet her in person, since the D Day I haven't seen her or talked about affair. Every time I talked I ignored the talk about affair.
She told me she'll explain everything, At least hear her side of story and after hearing it whatever decision I'll take she'll respect that. Since I don't know what was going on and don't have much information about the affair, it will be like closure to me. So I've decided to meet her on Sunday. That it is nothing dramatic.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s post and update:
Your friends and family won't be the ones who get cheated on the next time. If they like her so much they can have her.
Her posting on Facebook was pretty manipulative.
If you would have never hired a PI this would have gone on indefinitely. She's only upset she got caught. Ignore everyone else. You're the only one who is going to have to live with a cheater for the rest of your life if you accept her back.
it's not like she came clean anyways, this will probably happen again as soon as all the drama dies down from it. Stay the course get divorced and find someone who doesn't cheat on you. Best of luck to you buddy. It just blows, no way around it.
Five days later, the OP returned with another update.
As decided we both met on Sunday. She was quite miserable. I haven't seen her in a while. We talked about our relationship I asked her to take down her FB post which she did. I asked her about the Affair. Why she cheated on me She told me that she was dumb and selfish at that time. She didn't blame me for affair.
She told me that they were casually talking and he started talking about his Affairs, she showed me text messages of them both, where he was bragging about his fun life outside of marriage. She told me she was curious and one thing led to another.
There were several texts where he was guiding my wife how to hide affair. He suggested her to buy an another phone and always keep in in car. I took screenshots of everything thing.
She then asked her for forgiveness, I forgave her but I couldn't get pass this. Divorce was my default option form beginning. She begged to try marriage counciling She told me she will never date anyone else ever again. If she does it would be me. I don't really care. We will still work together. As this was our both dream project.
As for our mutual friend. Last I heard was his wife and he decided to reconcile. As kids were involved. I really feel sad for his wife, she didn't know what kind of monster he is. We are getting divorce, I've decided not to be in a relationship ever again.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP’s update:
"She told me she was curious and one thing led to another."
God I hate this excuse. "One thing led to another" because she chose that, over and over. Because her response to a cheater wasn't to immediately say "that's disgusting" and cut contact. She ENABLED one thing to lead to another.
"I've decided not to be in a relationship ever again."
Take time to heal from this, but don't write off relationships altogether because she turned out to be awful.
She acts sorry but ultimately you only found out about this because you hired a PI. She had no intention of confessing to you. I'm glad you're not giving her a second chance, go find someone that can give you respect.
She admits she is not interested in monogamy yet claims to only want to be in a relationship with the OP. Nice try, even if she believes her own lies its still BS.
She wasn't brave in admitting her affair: She got caught. There is no bravery there. Everything she did after was performative damage control.
So she begs for a chance to tell her side of the story and then her side of the story is pretty much, he suggested it and I was feeling a bit selfish so I thought I'd give it a try. Also I never understand it when the cheating person starts saying things like, I only love you, I don't want anyone else and so on. If that was the case surely they wouldn't have cheated in the first place?
What they mean to say is, I can't believe my whole life will now be up ended because of my stupid mistake, I am dreading the shame of facing our friends and families, and would really prefer it if you could just carry on with things as they are so I don't have to take responsibility, or move out of the house, or potentially suffer a change in my finances.