'Wife cheated on me and claimed to be mind controlled.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for not believing my wife was not intentionally cheating on me?"
First of all I want to say I am NOT normally the person to post my business on the internet...but for reasons you will shortly see, I NEED a sanity check on this one but there is absolutely no way I can share this dilemma with anyone who knows me. Its too messed up and I'm honestly reeling here.
So to try to make a long story short, my wife (32F) and I (32M) have been married for 5 years, no kids, but lately things haven't been so great. The main issue frankly is that there hasn't been sex, and I keep talking to her about this but she honestly seems completely indifferent, like she doesn't even care that I have needs.
I ask her if SHE wants sex anymore and she just shrugs. At the same time she has been going to the gym more, highlighting her hair, wearing more makeup, sexier clothes etc, which to me seems like signs of cheating WHEN COMBINED with not having sex with me at all.
So frankly I started to get fed up with the lack of respect and interest and consideration and above all the lack of communication, like she just WON'T talk to me about this!
So while I'm not proud I did check her phone and discovered VERY clear evidence she is cheating on me with a male coworker of hers, and not only that but in a total BDSM way where she is calling him master and stuff like that...totally not my thing, and honestly really upset me way more than just cheating that she would be calling another man MASTER.
So obviously for me this was the final straw and I knew there was no coming back from this, I just wanted a divorce and I wanted it right away, no kids, might as well start over while we're still young. So I just confronted her the next day after a night of stewing and sweating on the couch and here's where the really messed up part starts.
As soon as I brought up her coworker my wife starts sobbing and says she is not cheating on me on purpose but is UNDER MIND CONTROL by this man and that he hypnotized her to do these things.
She said he literally put her under hypnotic control so that whenever he says certain trigger words she goes into a trance, and gives her "suggestions" that she will carry out even when theyre not together. And she in no way wants to be involved in this but she has no choice because her mind is controlled.
So I'm obviously like WHAT THE EFF?? Because that nonsense doesn't exist... RIGHT??? She's telling me this so confidently as if everyone just knows you can go around mind controlling your coworkers and it's a thing that happens BUT IT'S NOT, RIGHT?
So I have absolutely no idea what to say to this but I asked her if this is true why did she never tell me before, and she said his control stopped her. So why can she tell me now?
She says she doesn't know because she doesn't remember all his instructions, but he may have let her tell me if I specifically asked, or it may be that the control was broken because it was too "emotionally intense." I just honestly did not believe this at all and I don't even know what to do with this excuse, like I've never heard any stuff like this in my life!
But my wife could tell I didn't believe her and she started crying and saying I didn't trust her and she wants to get out of the control and if I can help "save" her from him then she'll leave him and never do anything like that again. And I need to believe it's not her fault because she would never do that to me!
So basically, at this point, I just left and went to my brothers house and told her I need to get away from this right now. But she's been texting me since begging me to believe her. And I just told my bro I found out she was cheating and he said I can stay as long as I want but there's no way I can tell him all this crazy nonsense.
SO MY QUESTION IS... WHAT THE EFF??? First of all AITA for not believing my wife? Is this something that REALLY CAN happen??? I know hypnosis is used by psychologists and magicians but don't you have to CONSENT to be hypnotized?
I can just imagine if we called the cops about this they would laugh in our face.....I feel sick thinking about this either way, but even if it's not true does my wife honestly believe this? And if she honestly believes she is under control should I forgive her even if it's not true?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s initial post:
She’s the AH. She got caught and is very obviously grasping at straws to get you to stay. Divorce, move on.
NumberFantastic4992 (OP)
What stopping me is this seems like such a crazy messed up lie and honestly it just seems beyond my wife to come up with something so outlandish, like with all respect she is kind of a "basic" or "normie" person who I would never expect to think of something like this.
I expected she was gonna say it was my fault for certain things or that it didn't mean anything but not something like THIS. I'm questioning if she has some kind of mental disorder or something???
People do wild things out of desperation. She probably didn’t think she’d get caught and is now trying to play this mind game with you to make herself feel better. Don’t feed into it.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
So a couple of people asked for updates and I was initially reticent but after everything that happened I wanted to share what i learned. I appreciate people's input.
Especially on the hypnosis part and how that works) but to be honest I think most of y'all were a little harsh on me and it was kinda dumb move on my part to post this situation online when nobody replying knows me or my wife at all. So I wanted to update to shed some light on that.
So, to get the obvious out of the way: we are getting divorced. So I spent a few days at my bro's house. And while originally I said there was no way I would ever tell him...finally we got pretty drunk and I spilled everything and showed him the texts from my wife too where she was insisting she was under control and would never choose to do this to me.
To his credit he didn't mock or make fun of me at all and since unlike reddit he actually knows my wife his perspective was honestly helpful and gave me some things to think about that I hadn't considered. And I kinda wish I had just talked to him in the first place but I was so humiliated I could only talk about it anonymously. But here's what he said.
He agreed my wife is a very weak and gullible person. Someone who can be easily manipulated. And maybe she "believed" she was being mind controlled. BUT he said that doesn't make her innocent in this. And he made a comparison to people who join cults or spend thousands of dollars in online romance scams (the ladder hit home because we have a relative who was involved in this).
Their families and loved ones try to get them out and show them the facts but they continue rationalizing and believing what they want to believe for the sake of the fantasy of the romance or religion.
They may be a victim but there not innocent. And I get it, I can absolutely see that kind of behavior in my wife where she is willing to excuse and stick up for people who treat her like dirt, but not to stick up for herself or the people who are important to her...to where she is willing to stay under the thumb of anyone who will think for her and make decisions for her.
The way we got together is i kinda "saved" her from a bad relationship she was in and I think she's kind of addicted to that dynamic to be honest. Letting someone control her and being "saved."
So I realized after talking to my brother, even if my wife "believes" she is being mind controlled, can I really go on with my life with someone who would let herself be this deluded to maybe risk our finances, our future children's safety, etc.
Obviously not. I don't think I ever would have stayed with her after this obviously but my brother's advice really made things clear to me in a way I hadn't thought of it before.
So now what happened with my wife. I did have to go back to our place to get some of my stuff and honestly I did want to talk to her, I guess to try to get closure and to make her hear my perspective...and maybe try to shake sense into her one last time.
Like I do still care about her and I want her to try to figure her business out and never do something like this again. So we talked and the first thing i told her was that we are getting divorced and she could not change my mind. There was a lot of crying at that.
Next I asked her if this was all a lie or does she really believe she was hypnotized. Because I very bluntly told her mind control is not real and hypnosis doesn't work unless you consent to it.
And she told me she consented to the initial hypnosis which was all nonsexual but he eventually started putting in sexual suggestions and by then she couldn't resist. And I said OK, so why didn't you tell someone or get help. And she said his control prevented her.
So I told her if she really believed this is true she needed to contact her HR department and the police. But I think she just needs mental help. And she was willing to sacrifice our marriage for her sexual fantasy, and I hope one day she can admit it was her fantasy.
She didn't argue too much with that but she didn't admit it either. And she showed me her text to the guy where she told him his control was broken and it was over. He said and I quote: "That's fine, I already got everything I wanted from you anyway." So she ruined our happiness for someone like that. A hard pill to swallow for me and for her.
So I told her I had to go and she asked if we could stay in or be friends and I said no. We will talk through lawyers from now on. Not to be harsh but I don't want to feed her fantasy that I will still "save" her somehow. But I encouraged her to get help.
As for me, I'm gonna stay single for a while and tbh I should probably rethink what kind of woman I want too and try to find a gal who is more independent and doesn't need to be "saved" per say. Both in the meantime I always wanted a dog and my soon to be ex wife is allergic, so I think I'm gonna start there.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s update:
She’s going to use the excuse “possessed by a demon” when she cheats on her next relationship.
It’s gotta be hard to watch your wife be manipulated so easily like that. I’ve read so many stories where the wife just leaves for a freaking loser chad and then returns not long after once the AP dumps her dumb ass. It boggles the mind. So sorry for ya man.
NumberFantastic4992 (OP)
It really made me reconsider her character when what I thought was "nice" and "innocent" always seems to make room for so much evil from others if that makes sense. Not something I probably want in the future.
Always thought I liked a really sweet girl but maybe there's such a thing as too sweet. And yeah thanks man, this has been messed up to say the least and I wish her the best but I'm ready to move on.
I read the original posting and thought I would add this. I have read a couple of books on hypnosis, and you can't compel a person to do something they ethically wouldn't do.
That's some mental gymnastics she's pulling to absolve herself of accountability. You didn't magically break his mind control when you confronted her. She just got caught and spun a tale to make it all her affair partner's fault. Tale as old as time. Coworker gave her attention and validation.
She didn't keep proper boundaries to protect your marriage. As she got more emotionally and sexually with her coworker, she pulled away from you. Only when you confronted her did the fantasy evaporate.
Consequences started to appear, and now she has spun a tale to absolve her of the consensual affair. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. Get the support you deserve from YOUR family and friends.