At what point do I leave my wife because her depression and depression-induced spending is dragging me down? When my wife (36F) and I met (35M), I was in an MBA program, and she was finishing up her certification process to become a Nurse Anesthesiologist.
I was drawn to drive and optimistic view of the world. We were both young adults (26 and 27) who saw the world as an endless source of opportunity. We discussed having kids when we were more established in our careers.
After graduation, we both went to work; I got a job consulting, making 200k a year with a signing bonus, and have continued to grow in my career; my wife was crushing it at her dream hospital, making 150k before overtime.
We were so happy traveling and enjoying ourselves, we eventually bought our home and were truly living our dreams. Until about 3 years ago, my wife had a mental breakdown at home between shifts at the hospital. She was eventually hospitalized for a few weeks.
After she came home, we agreed she would take 6 months off to recover, and I would take care of us. Immediately, she started spending an average of 2-3k every other week. Traveling with friends and weekend trips.
She stopped helping around the house and was constantly out of the house. I completely supported this for the first 6 months; she said it was part of her healing process, and I understand entirely (through sickness and health.) Then, the agreed 6 months passed, and I asked if she was ready to return to work part-time. This caused her to shut down, so I backed off.
Then, a year passed and revisited again, another breakdown ensued. I asked if she was ready to consider starting our family and being a homemaker instead of working. We were in a great financial position and didn't need the money.
She agreed, and for the last year, we have been trying to have a baby; we have even done fertility testing and been given a " you are both healthy. Keep trying." Last week, I was driving her car and dropped my phone; I pulled over to grab it from under the driver's seat and, to my surprise, found birth control pills.
I was shocked and turned around on my way to work to confront her. She broke down and called me an abuser for trying to force kids on her. She has never told me she didn't want kids, and I would absolutely never push her.
She then started blaming me for her breakdown, she said it's my fault she can't work. I then brought up how I have handled 95 percent of the cooking and cleaning for the last 3 years because I was trying to support her and allow her to heal while she traveled and racked up a 10k credit bill every month for me to pay off.
Since she has shut down and refuses to talk to me, I have been sleeping at our vacation house because she says it's " detrimental to her mental health to share a space with me, her abuser."
I can't shake the feeling that I have been lied to and taken advantage of for years now. I want a divorce, but at the same time, if she is genuinely sick, I don't want to abandon her. Am I an AH for even considering leaving my sick wife? I can't shake the feeling that I'm selfish for even considering this.
For the record, yes, my wife has been in active therapy for the last 3 years, and I have proof of this. She is not having an affair. Also, many of these trips include her mother, whom I trust unconditionally.
I have stayed so long because I genuinely love my wife and want to ensure she is cared for. Even now, after getting so much feedback confirming my feelings, I feel incredibly guilty. I feel that I am responsible for her well-being, and I'm terrified of what her life would look like without me.
NTA. Thank her for taking the birth control because now you won’t have to include kids in the divorce.
NTA. Don’t get her pregnant. Divorce and move on.
I totally agree with this. Bro, she’s running the biggest scam of the century. First, it’s “I need time to heal,” then it’s “I can’t work,” then it’s agreeing to have a baby while secretly taking birth control?! She’s not struggling, she’s strategizing. She doesn’t want a partner, she wants a paycheck.
You're not an A-hole. Her actions, including the birth control and blaming you, are betrayals. Prioritizing your well-being is okay.
NTA. I mean, when you get to the point she's calling you "her abuser" you gotta go. At this point, it's about protecting yourself. She hasn't been honest with you at all. This relationship is broken beyond repair. Let her family know that you are filing for divorce and will now take a hands off approach with her. She is now their responsibility.
She’s too depressed to work but not to go on holidays and have shopping sprees every other week, where you are settling her bills and taking care of the house as well. You’re being taken for a royal ride. Please cut ties and don’t get her pregnant! NTA OP. Prioritize yourself now.
She may be sick, but she is still responsible for her own healing. It doesn’t seem she is doing anything to make herself better. You can’t make her heal. At some point you have to take care of yourself. Get out of this dead end marriage while you can. NTA.
NTA. Your wife has had a 3-year all-expenses paid vacation. She will do what she can to continue having the easy life while you break yourself down making it so. This is a huge betrayal on her part, and the pattern is set. The only escape is divorce and move on.