'My wife of 17 years died two weeks ago. I’m about to go to a hotel with someone I just met. AITA?'
"My wife of 17 years died two weeks ago. I’m about to go to a hotel with someone I just met. AITA?"
I (38M) lost my wife of 17 years a couple weeks ago. We were together since high school, and we married after graduating college. She was my first everything, first kiss, first girlfriend, only person I’ve ever been intimate with. We built an entire life together.
We have two daughters (16F, 15F). They loved their mom a lot, and it’s been really tough on them. They’ve been crying nonstop. I’ve been trying to stay strong for them, and am getting them into online grief therapy starting next week. This weekend they have sports and friend plans and they’ll be out most of the weekend.
Last week, after the funeral, I felt emotionally dead. In a moment of weakness or curiosity or whatever you want to call it, I downloaded a dating app and set up my profile. I matched with someone. We met for lunch yesterday.
There was insane physical chemistry. We ended up making out in the parking lot like some teenagers. She’s very direct and said she’s insanely physically attracted to me and wants to get a hotel today.
There’s zero emotional connection. I don’t know her life story. She doesn’t know mine. She doesn’t even know my wife just died. It’s purely physical, and she said she wants it that way.
Today is Valentine’s Day. My kids are out most of the day. I’m about to head to the hotel. She’s already FaceTime me and is at the hotel and and is super excited about it. And I feel guilty for being excited about it and being physically attracted to her.
I know I didn’t cheat. I didn’t leave my wife. I loved her until the end. But it somehow feels like I’m betraying her memory. But I also want to feel something other than grief. I’ve never been with anyone else in my entire life. Not even close. Am I doing something wrong? Would you consider this betrayal, or just a widower trying to survive?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I don't have enough context for a clear answer. But technically, no. Emotionally? I think you will regret it.
You are in an extremely vulnerable state. Be very, very careful, you're lonely and your judgement isn't worth anything. This woman might want to take advantage of you.
And sorry, but having been there myself many years ago, I have to say that meeting this woman is really tacky. Unless your wife was seriously ill or comatose for a year, you should have more respect for her memory. I didn't date for 18 months after my wife died.
Don’t know what to think. But your daughters take precedence. Tread carefully because your kids are grieving and they won’t most likely take it well. My advice: Get help about how to move on. Be honest with the hotel lady. My knee jerk reaction is that you are moving awfully fast. It’s been only two weeks. Your children aren’t ready for this. If they find out they will be devastated.
You do you but explain how it worked please. Did you go home from your wife's funeral and decide to find a new woman or did you give it a whole day before starting to replace her. In case you are wondering when your girls find out you will have lost 3 women from your life instead of just one.
Technically? No. But I feel like this is too soon for you, and may end up making you feel like garbage after. Emotions aren't logical and while you have all the rights in the world to do this, you may regret it afterwards.
You’re grieving a terrible loss, you’re vulnerable and in need of human comfort. A slight physical remedy may ease the pain for however long it lasts but it won’t make you feel better in the long run.
You might instantly regret it, may experience impotency or become emotionally overwhelmed during or after the moment. Do what you need to help you cope but please be careful, discrete, and stay safe for the sake of your health and your children’s wellbeing.
Please don't do this. It's technically not cheating but she died only 2 weeks ago. You are in the depth of grief and I am 100% sure you will come to regret this deeply. It's too soon. You will not be able to turn back time and her be the only and last woman you have been intimate with...stop and think about that.
I think that's huge and whilst I of course don't think you need to be celibate for the rest of your life but I also don't think its something you should rush into. Also consider if someone sees you going into the hotel...if your kids found out how would they feel? It will be very hard for them to understand..I know I wouldn't and I fear they would 100% feel like you were betraying their mum.
Go for it, pal. This has nothing to do with your wife—she’s gone and will never return. Do you think she would want for you to be alone and celibate forever? It’s not like you’re replacing her while she’s barely cold—this is a physical release.
NTA. I do think you are betraying yourself. Setting yourself up for more pain and confusion. You're allowed to do whatever feels right to you. But when you take her, she wont feel like what you expect and that might hurt you and her depending on if you fall apart. Grief is love with nowhere to go. Your grief is just very loud love and you are looking for a place for it. That's human.
You're not betraying your deceased wife. However, it's really soon from other people's perspective, like your daughters, who likely won't understand the reason for it. I'd be really careful about telling anyone until you all have some emotional distance.
Also, and this is important, know that your feelings of grief will compromise your judgment for some time to come, so I'd be REALLY careful assigning any feelings to your brand new, and almost certainly temporary partner. Also, protect yourself from STIs. I'm very sorry for your loss, and understand the desperate need to feel alive right now.