'AITA if I divorce my wife because she does not want me actively involved in raising our children?'
"AITA if I divorce my wife because she does not want me actively involved in raising our children?"
My wife (31f) and I (32m) have been together since college and we've been married for 7 years. We have three children together and I am sick of either having to step back and let her raise the kids almost as a single mom or fight with her because I did something with our children, even something as simple as feeding them. But that's where I'm at.
She wasn't like this when our oldest was born. It started when she was pregnant with our twins. She would always tell me to tidy or run some errands when I wanted to spend time with our child.
Then she'd keep him by her side the entire day or she'd go off somewhere if I said we should all spend the day together and focused on our oldest. But when the twins came it was worse.
Every time I went to feed or change a baby she was telling me to go back to bed or to run to the store for something. Whenever she caught me holding and doing anything with one of our kids it was like I was committing a crime. When I'd ask her what the issue was she said there was nothing but I should just make myself useful. Even if I was doing that.
One time she was delayed on the phone talking to her sister so I put our oldest to bed and got the twins fed. She freaked out and yelled at me for doing it without her. I told her it wasn't like I went off schedule and she was busy. She said that wasn't the point.
Then came the fights about me trying to be with the kids instead of working or running errands. When I took time off I would make sure I got time with the kids and she'd be ready for a fight and if I didn't let a fight happen she'd yell at me anyway. Whenever I didn't push through she'd find a way to keep the kids from me.
I told her it bothered me and she said it was all in my head. Another time she accused me of trying to hog the kids even though I hadn't been home all day. She hated me baby wearing. I was screamed at for picking the kids up from her parents' house one day.
She was at an appointment and I was getting out of work so I thought it made sense. But she told me she decided to leave them with her parents so I should respect that and I told her I was just as capable of taking care of them as her.
She was hospitalized briefly a couple of months ago and that's when I reached the point of deciding we should just divorce. I took some days off work so I could be with the kids.
She kept telling me to go back to work and let the kids stay with her parents until she got home. And she was screaming at me while she was in the hospital because I had the kids. She sent her parents to try and take them off me twice.
When she recovered I told her this couldn't continue and if this was the way things would be we should divorce and she screamed and said I would be an AH to destroy our family and break up our kids stability.
Even my own parents told me I should find a way to make it work. But she won't even sit down and talk to me, therapy is out of the question on her part and I don't want the kids to see us fight every time I interact with even one of them. AITA for wanting to divorce?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - but tbh, she does need therapy badly
But if you want to divorce you should really document this behavior and get your act together because shes going to go for full custody.
Malkxixt (OP)
I have some stuff already documented. A lot of texts and voice messages that were sent. And I wrote a log while she was in the hospital about specific incidents.
Listen there is something seriously wrong here, she needs help, if I where u I’d talk to her parents privately and try get to the bottom of what is wrong. My first thought through out reading this is was she abused as a child. It sounds like it cause she afraid of u being alone with them, u can’t go on this and u don’t deserve to be treated like this.
Malkxixt (OP)
They see nothing wrong with her behavior. And she won't entertain talking to me either so I don't know what I can do. They see nothing wrong with her behavior. And she won't entertain talking to me either so I don't know what I can do.
NTA. Parenting is supposed to be be a partnership, not one person gatekeeping the kids while the other gets treated like an outsider. You've tried communicating, you've offered therapy, and she still refuses to even talk it out.
That's not just a parenting issue -- that's a control and respect issue. Your kids deserve to have a voice in their upbringing. Divorce isn't destroying the family -- her refusal to co-parent already is.
NTA, only way your kids are getting stability is if you separate. Possibly if you take full custody. What she’s doing is parental alienation and if you document it all well, she’ll get blasted for it in family court.
What she likely needs is treatment for post partum depression but she might not get it with her parents actually co-signing her crazy by acting like it’s valid. This is a trainwreck but you need to prioritize your kids and your relationship with them before she makes them scared of you.