"AITA for telling my wife she will respect our daughter not wanting her to meet her girlfriend because she made it this way?"

So I have a 16-year-old daughter Harley My wife is extremely extremely religious and is very against anything other than what is written in the Bible. I'm still religous but once Harley arrived, It got me thinking that what if my daughter does something that doesn’t fit into my beliefs?

My wife however is the exact opposite of me. Now the conflict, about a year ago my daughter said that she likes girls l, she told me first and then we sat my wife down and told her the news. She was not happy with it,my wife didn’t say anything to her and just looked disappointed. I was upset at this, as long as her partners aren’t hurting her in any way, it’s not our place to shame her for that.

I told my wife that she cannot try to tear our daughter down because she doesn’t agree, and she is going to have to make a sacrifice for the sake of our daughter and her well-being and to please make her feel supported.

Turns out my wife was going to my daughter, and showing her all of these different dating apps of only men, trying to set her up with guys, “recommended” her to date one of her friends sons, and forced her to go out with him. She ended up telling my daughter that she was not normal from this and she needs to go to confession, because this is a phase.

This went on for months and I had no idea, she would stop when I was around,my daughter ended up breaking down when I asked her what was going on and told me everything.

To say I was angry would be an understatement, I am furious at my wife, Honestly what she did was so outdated and cruel, to the point that I was not sleeping with her and I was sleeping in the guest bedroom for a while, I couldn’t even look at her. We went to marriage counseling after this, and my wife hasn’t changed much, she still lets these comments slip, but bites her tongue more I guess.

My daughter got a girlfriend, and she wanted me to meet her. She sat down with both of us and said that she only wanted me to go, and that she didn’t trust my wife enough to not make a comment at this. As I was getting ready my wife was mad about this, saying that she couldn’t believe she could exclude her from this.

I said she shouldn’t be, she’s made our daughter feel this way, and the only way to fix it is to get over her ridiculous homophobia,I told her that she’s letting her religion get in the way of the love for her daughter and in a few more years she’ll be asking why she doesn’t talk to her anymore.

I said until she can show our daughter how much we love and support her, she won’t interfere with this, this is a step foward for our daughter, and she doesn’t get to stomp on that. My wife started crying and stopped speaking to me, she told our therapist and he thinks I was wrong because this is what she grew up on, but I think that’s just an excuse for bigotry. My family is also saying I’m an a$$hole so am I?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Bencil_McPrush said:

NTA. Get a new therapist, because the one you have got their license on the back of a pizza box.

mossbrooke said:

NTA. Looks like your wife, and her pastor (I'm assuming that's who the therapist is, because a real one worth their salt wouldn't be encouraging your wife like that) have forgotten that Jesus hung out with 'sinners', and as far as we know, accepted each one as they were.

We know that because they kept inviting the dude to come stay with them and have a meal. What would Jesus REALLY do? Same as you, love and support the kid.

RoseTyler38 said:

I was born into a mormon family and I was bigoted. I gradually changed my views while still Mormon, but ultimately left the religion 10 yrs ago. Just because you grew up on something doesn't mean sh!t. NTA. I have to ask you though. Why are you still married to her if she treats your daughter this way?

Three months later, he shared this major update:

I’ll jump right into it: I talked to harleys mom, I said that 1- she needs to go to therapy with someone who doesn’t choose someone’s side, and someone who helps her see other POV, but I am not willing to do that with her and that’s something she needs to do on her own.

2- if she continues this you ruin any chance with her, and as a mom she made a decision to protect her, not be the reason she needs protection.

3- I hope that 1 and 2 sunk in, because I’m not going to be here to pick up the pieces for her bad behavior, and now more than ever is the time to redeem herself if she even can, because we are absolutely getting a divorce. the most I can say is it was not taken well

I talked to Harley, I explained that we are getting a divorce, none of this is on her and it never was. But she needs the choice to not deal with this anymore, and I want her to do the little things and feel free to bring around anyone she wants and not be worried of her parents reaction.

I said this doesn’t mean their relationship is over, I’ll still be right here with her to try to redeem any relationship with her mom if she wants me to. I know it’s a big change, but it’s no one else’s job but her mothers to fix her issues., I said again this wasn’t her fault, but it also isn’t her responsibility, and it was my fault to go on with this. She was sad at first but came to terms with this.

Many said to make it clear that this was not her fault and I tried my best to make sure she understood this I stayed in a hotel for a while and Harley had some fun with my brother, I got a little house quick, and quickly started moving everything I could. Harley got to decorate her new room, I got her in therapy to.

Her mom is still swearing that Harley needs confession, she’s insulted and cursed Harley in person, then tried so act like a sweet caring mother in text and voicemail. she tried saying I’m the abusive one. She’s said I was a bad father and husband, threatened to take Harley away permanently and much more that I don’t think can be on here. I think she took this as a challenge.

As I said before I gave Harley the choice to stay with me or 50/50 etc. with her age, there’s a good chance she get to choose, especially given the circumstances. I think she forgot what it was like to not walk on eggshells. After a week she said that she thinks she wants to stay with me, and just visit her mom with no sleepovers.

I’ve seen a lot more of her girlfriend around the house, and it’s clear Harley’s much more comfortable in her own skin & sexuality Things are still hectic, but are looking up. Overall. I’ve taken most advice, We have divorced, moved out, gone to therapy, and just commonly reminding that this isn’t her fault nor responsibility.