'I think my wife had an affair. She thinks she is not in the wrong. AITA?'
"I think that my (39M) soon-to-be ex-wife (39F) had an affair. She thinks she is not in the wrong. AITA?"
My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Have 5 kids. Things haven’t always been perfect, but we have a beautiful family and we do love each other. We’ve hit a particularly rough patch and it looks like it might be the end for us. After an argument, my wife told me she was done. That she wanted me to move out and she was done.
I refused to leave. One, because I wanted to keep working on it and didn’t think we could truly work on it living separate. Two, because I was worried about potential upcoming custody battles and had heard moving out beforehand could be a bad idea. Instead I moved to the couch.
Months passed. We were still intimate from time to time and would still do family activities. But I could tell she had pulled away. We eventually stopped being intimate. I fell into a depression. My side of the family was having a family reunion over my birthday.
She would not be attending. She planned a work trip so that she wouldn’t have to go. Before I left for the trip, my wife told me that we were done, and that we needed to start looking into the logistics of splitting and divorce after I got back from my trip. This was it.
Trip went fine, I had a good time with my kids and family. Was trying to enjoy the time I have with them due to the upcoming cluster we were about to put them through. When I got back I became increasingly more upset the more I thought of it. I did something I normally wouldn’t. I looked through my wife’s laptop and discovered a months long affair, starting in April of that year. It was currently the end of summer.
I took the laptop and left, going to my in laws to stay the night. Between a text thread with this guy, and a text thread with her work friend, I discovered that she had a thing for a coworker shortly after starting a new position. She worked remotely, and this guy lived halfway across the country, but there were enough work trips and conferences where they could meet.
It didn’t take long, when they met for drinks in Vegas, on my wife’s very first work conference. They staid up talking til the wee hours of the night, until they each went in their way. And that was the beginning of it. It was only emotional, nothing physical happened, in fact that was the only time they met in person. Except for one other time. In NYC. Over my birthday weekend.
The texts showed that they had planned to meet up in NYC a couple months back. They had been comparing work trip schedules, trying to find a trip where they could meet up. She started sending pictures of the hotel bed she was in, saying things like “big enough for two, you could have been here.”
They were FaceTiming and texting almost everyday. Many times while I was in the next room, on the couch, depressed and wondering how I could save my marriage. And they were going to meet in NYC. She spoke to her friend about what to do post coitus. It was going down.
Then for whatever reason they started to grow a little more distant. And when they met in NYC, they met for coffee and she ended it. The last text I read was only a few days after that meeting.
I was livid. She was mad I went through her texts (which I know is wrong and I’m working on it). I told her she cheated. She says she didn’t cheat, we were done. She had told me multiple times we were done. She had asked me to move out. I told her this isn’t some high school or college relationship.
This is a marriage of 15 years. I was still trying to make it work. I didn’t know what to do, but I was trying in my way. I never thought that saying “we are done” means we can date other people. We’ve actually had the “do we date other people” conversation multiple times. We never had it this time.
I compared her to Michael Scott, stepping out of his office and yelling “I declare bankruptcy!!!” And thinking that frees him from his debts. She will only admit that she should have filed for divorce first. That she is sorry I am hurt. Will barely call it an emotional affair. And it’s the worst thing in the world.
Not only to have to go through this feeling of betrayal. But to then have to convince their person who betrayed you that what they did is wrong? So AITAH? Is she in the right with what she did? Or do I have reason to feel hurt and betrayed?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Baudica said:
To be honest, your logic of 'yelling I'm done doesn't end a marriage' applies to you, as well. There's two of you in a marriage. She said she's done. You yelling back 'No,you're not! Because I am going to work on this marriage' doesn't make it a functional marriage.
It doesn't matter who's fault it is. It's done. It would be best for everyone involved, if you were to accept that, and not drag this out.
Connect_Tackle299 said:
Get a lawyer and starting sorting out the messy sh!t. It's done and over with
CleverGirlRawr said:
You can feel hurt and betrayed; your feelings are yours. But the relationship clearly is over. Instead of refusing to accept it and try “working on it” whatever that means, work on the divorce process, splitting assets, custody, and maybe therapy to help you process this huge life change. She told you it’s over - she’s done - you’re going to have to accept it.
Stinkinhippy said:
NTAH as such.. but dude, she told you she wanted out.. you can't be entirely surprised by this.
awakeintears said:
I mean she did tell you she had no interest in continuing and mending the relationship. You can’t force someone to stay. When it’s over, it’s over, and it sounded like it was over long ago.