'AITA for feeling my wife of 25 years probably doesn't love me and we'll never have kids?'
"AITA for feeling my wife of 25 years probably doesn't love me and we'll never have kids?"
babyrabiesbrain
As the title says I (M44) always planned on having kid(s) with my wife (F43). We have a video we recorded together for our future children when we were younger. I didn't want to start until I was absolutely sure we were financially stable enough to support a kid. I can distinctly remember when that day came about 12 years ago. Suddenly she wasn't so sure which came as a complete shock to me.
After much conversation she agreed I'd make a great father and we could finally stop using protection (yes, they were always required prior to that). Now it seemed like she started keeping track of her cycles but I think we only tried (on the proper day) once or twice in a 2 year period. I feel like the keeping track she did was to make sure we DIDN'T do it on those "certain days".
So here's where stuff gets really messed up: spurred on by our Dogs coming demise I started researching why we never ended up having kids and came across some texts (>10k+) during that same time period where she had a 2-3 year affair.
It was the guy that actually broke it off with her in the end because he knew she was married and didn't want to be a home wrecker. This made her intensely angry at me for 2 years!
I had no idea why she was so mad. Honestly, now I wish she would have left me for him so I could at least have a chance at finding a women that truly loves me enough to have our baby.
Did I mention that she cut me off of all intimacy since the affair (while still being intimate with him for over another 6 months) and it'll be 10 YEARS this August since we made love (she claimed it was due to pain but never went to doctors about it). Not even a kiss on my Birthday, no matter how many times I asked.
Only recently after all this did we finally figure out what may be the worst part of this: she has bad CPTSD from childhood which was erroneously attributed to agoraphobia and social anxiety for over a decade.
So I have 2 choices: 1. Stick with the women I've loved for over 25 years and help her recover from the CPTSD or 2. Find a women who loves me (and i love her) enough to have kids in very short order. So reddit, AITA?
Edit:
Well, I had no idea this post would get so many replies. Thank you, kind people, for reinforcing what I figured you'd all say. Sigh. I'll read all the messages and reply when I'm back home in a couple of hours.
Edit 2:
So I'm seeing lots of questions about why I didn't do more during the last 10 years. I've answered some of that in the comments (see below), but I think it's important I point out that I was trying to fill that hole in my heart for kids with pets.
We lost our 12yo cat summer before last, and our 8yo shepherd needed surgery last summer that got botched and left her fecally incontinent. She's rapidly losing weight and requires lots and lots of help.
Her time is also limited. What I paid between the two of them in vet bills would probably be enough to send a kid to most state schools for 4 years. I guess I finally came to the conclusion that in almost no way are pets the same as kids. I just can't help but wonder why that much (usually gross) effort wasn't going towards raising the little one(s) I'd always envisioned as part of my life.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
THEconstipatedDRAGON
Dude why are you still in the relationship.
MrRogersAE
She cut him off 10 years ago and hated him for two years after that because her Boyfriend broke up with her. The time to leave was 9 years ago.
Training_Help964
Bingo. Op is scared to be alone... he has some soul searching to do... they arent a good match tho...
Longjumping_Race1194
Get the frick out of here. This woman will make your whole life miserable. You have at least 30-40 years left, don’t waste them on this witch.
juliaskig
I checked OP's history, and can see where he's scared. OP, if I were you, I would separate BEFORE going on dating apps. And then tell your entire truth about what you want on the apps (not in a verbal throw up way, but in a very clear way).
Don't lie about your age etc. Also start looking elsewhere for dates besides apps. I predict in two years you will be with the one you love. I know that this is a bit late to have kids, but it's not too late for a man (and even some women).
As to your soon to be ex: let her be your ex. What or how she became who she is, is not interesting. Stop worrying about her. Just let her be your ex.
Lmao so when your kid is what 30 how old are you gonna be? I hate old parents so selfish.
babyrabiesbrain OP responded:
That's easy to say at 24. I hope you come back and read your comment as a 35 or 40 year old. It's been said many times in the comments that older parents are usually better because they can actually afford to have kids. I say this as someone those parents had them old. I'm not bitter. Sounds like you are?
bro having kids or not is the last of your problems. Have you told your wife to f&*^ off, or not?
babyrabiesbrain OP responded:
I suspect she's seen this post since she started acting weird not long after i posted it. Never imagined it was going to blow up like this. I think it's best we talk about it in marriage counseling rather than just fighting about it (we've been doing that enough since I found out about the affair a few months back)
To top off the shit Sunday, we have a coast-to-coast drive (and return) that starts tomorrow : / (and can't be canceled).
So you're going for marriage counselling? Bro, at this point I believe she's more likely to dump you than the other way around. Anyway, your life your choice
babyrabiesbrain OP responded:
The marriage counseling started after I found out about the affair. You can't turn a big ship quickly, but I have changed the rotational direction of the propeller. Thanks for your comments.
Fit_Work4558
YTA for being a walking doormat. Your 44 as long as you have your shit together and don’t look like an old foot you’ll find plenty of 30 something women wanting to start a family.
Key-Budget-1978
NTA. If she even really loved you she would not have a affair, and she would take your feelings seriously. I think you're just convenient for her now b3cause she knows you won't do anything and she can walk all over you.