Wife inherits $200K, refuses to tell husband; 'His toxic family doesn't deserve the truth.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman inherits a bunch of money and keeps it a secret, she asks the internet:
"I Inherited Money And Doesn't Tell My Husband. AITA?"
I didn't tell my husband. My partner 31M and I 25F are having our second child and he hasn't been working due to an in-work injury so for the last 2 going on 3 months it's been very stressful for us.
My paternal aunt gave me half of what she got from selling my grandma's house, her mother. She inherited it last year due to my grandmother passing away and she's spent 6 months getting my moochers of a father and brother out of the house and fixing it up.
We haven't spoken since the funeral and last week she called to meet for lunch and when I went she handed me a check worth over 200k. After everything I've been through with my husband and my SIL, I knew I couldn't tell anyone.
I didn't understand but she said my grandma thought of me as a daughter and I was the only one other than her that took care of her and my grandpa and while they didn't have the money to give me she sold the house and after talking to her husband decided I deserved half of it.
My hormones were everywhere and she had to help me calm down because we were in so much debt I felt so thankful. She told me she wasn't giving anything to anyone else and would prefer for me not to tell anyone so I didn't.
I put it in my account and once it cleared I began slowly paying off my husband's and my debt. I paid people back that had loaned us money, cleared our credit cards, paid our car off, put 10k in our daughter's savings account...
and plan to make one for our second child when it's born. I didn't tell my husband because we have separate finances and have since we got together.
He doesn't even know what our debts were or how far behind we were so I didn't think he would notice but he watches his credit and when he says that it went up and that I had received a letter from my community College that my debt was paid he asked me.
I told him my aunt gave me money but not how much and he tried accessing my bank account when he couldn't get in he took my debit card without me knowing and went to an atm and saw the balance.
He yelled at me for hiding it. I told him it doesn't matter because we were no longer in debt and we could finish our degrees. He walked out and hasn't spoken to me in 3 days.
I requested a new debit card and changed my information regarding my account because now I don't trust him not to try to buy something. I admit I should have told him but it's not like he knows how much money I make from my job. I don't know what to do.
.He doesn't like my family at all. I met him when I was a kid because he was my older brother's best friend. Things changed when we got together when I was 19 and they don't speak anymore. He avoids anything to do with my family.
Most of our relationship is great. We agreed to have 1 kid because I dreamed of being a mom. But during the pregnancy, he treated me like crap, and even after our daughter was born he continuously made me feel like a bad mom for asking him for help when I was exhausted and he just wanted to play games or drink.
He only started helping and being supportive after being separated for a few months and us getting counseling.
He and my daughter both have my last name. I wanted joint finances when we got married and he didn't. I was only in debt of 5k from my college at the time and he had some but he told me he had it covered. Which I found out he did not.
What I meant about him not knowing how much in debt we were is that he'd open credit cards in both our names and Max them out and then when he couldn't use them anymore he'd apply for more.
I did not know this until hiring a firm to help get my credit up. They told me I could press charges or pay them off. I wanted to pay it off because he's my husband and even if he put us in debt I do love him.
We didn't want more children. He got into a fight with his sister and she did something she shouldn't have but he also refused to get snipped. We didn't find out I was pregnant until it was too late for another option.
We moved in with my mom to help us get things back on track and he got hurt at work yes I believe he is depressed but he's also blown all the money he had saved on video games, liquor, and pot.
He didn't spend a dime on any of the debt he caused or for our daughter. He makes more than I do but with the way he spends his money, it's like we live on 1 income.
Do I trust him? Yes, I do in almost every way I can except for money and he's proven that again and again. I also have been giving him small portions of the money so he can still go and do things he wants to do. It's not like I'm just hoarding it away from him. I just didn't tell him that it wasn't from my paychecks like he assumed.
He has the pens to my debit card. Because while I didn't tell him about the money. I do let him use it when he needs to.
I've tried multiple different birth controls and the side effects make it difficult. However, my doctor and I have decided to tie my tubes because I've had multiple miscarriages and high risk pregnancies.
I didn't plan to have any more kids, but his sister poked holes in our condoms and by the time we found out I was pregnant we couldn't get an abortion in our state due to being past 6 weeks.
His sister ruined that for us by poking hole in them after they got into an argument. I didn't react well to birth control and cause of my age a doctor won't make it more permanent.
Not at all he didn't want more kids either but refuses to get snipped. It took me going to 4 different doctors to find someone that would do it.
We cut contact with SIL when we discovered I was pregnant. We told his family and she just laughed and threw it in our faces that she had the upper hand. We haven't spoke to her since we found out 6 months ago.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
jbutus writes:
I can see why finances should be shared in a marriage, verbally at least...but you've been paying off all debt, including his(with no promise he won't just max his cards again).
You haven't been purchasing any large or unneeded items and you made a savings for your child. So quite frankly, in this situation, he can just f right off. Make sure you keep it separate so it doesn't comingle because if he continues this way, you're going to want to keep the inheritance money as yours.
And if he does max out his debt again, as long as your names not on them, thats his problem.
shontzu writes:
Oh gosh. Your updates are so upsetting. This guy treats you terribly, puts you in massive debt, and despite treating you terribly for having a kid, refuses to gets snipped to prevent more.
Then he has the audacity to yell at you for paying off his debts. You understand he wants full access to the money so he can put you back in the same level of debt?
You’ll be 100k back in debt because of him within months. He now feels “oh she has tons of money now. She can pay off whatever I rack up.” And he will continue to tank your credit score because he’ll do it all under your name. After all, you’ve already trained him to do so without consequence.
You’re destroying your life and your children’s lives. When he can’t open up cards in his own name anymore, he’ll put them in your kids’ names. They’re have ranked credit before they’re old enough to actually open their own bank accounts.
They’re going to grow up poor and in debt, lacking in everything, seeing their mother treated like crap. And they will follow that model - they’ll end up with people who treat them poorly and abuse them financially. Stop setting your kids up for failure!
Him having your pins is just insanely foolish after everything that has happened. You can love someone and still have boundaries because you need to protect yourself and your kids. You can even love someone and realize that they’ll always destroy your life and shouldn’t be in it.
Your husband will never stop ruining your life. You’re young enough that you’re not feeling the full effects of his ruinous potential, but you will. And your kids will grow up feeling it.
lalaoops writes:
Girl. Every single one of those bullet points in your edit was like a tiny horror story. Why on earth would you stay with someone who has already 1) stolen your identity, and 2) maxed out credit cards in your name? He has proven over and over that he can’t be trusted with money.
He can’t be trusted to parent solo because he prefers to play video games. He refused to get a vasectomy even though neither of you wanted more children. Even now he does not pay a dime for you or your children’s expenses.
After all of that, he stole your debit card to see how much you inherited. How much did he take out when he checked the balance? The max ATM withdrawal you can make without having to present ID?
Your life would be so much better in so many ways without him dragging you down. Leave before he ruins your children’s credit scores.
You have three children, and your life will be so much easier and lighter if you don’t have to tiptoe around your husband or worry that he will steal all of the money you are using to keep you and your kids afloat.
publicparticu writes:
You did everything right in my book. You took that money and paid off both of your debts. And he's mad why cuz u didn't tell him why cuz he wants to spend it? what would be the reason?
I get him being mad that you didn't tell him but on the other hand, ppl just don't do that for no reason.
Honestly, if I was in your shoes with my guy's gambling I wouldn't tell him either so there has to be a reason. And honestly, we have shared finances and I'm slowly separating them. I would never in my life share anything with another man in my life. Keep yours and I'll keep mine, and we can share.
We can split bills or whatever but I'll never let another person in my finances again. I'll show you if you want to see cuz idgaf but as far as having access no. And I don't want his. It causes way too much drama in my opinion. Why u spending this why are you spending. No, mind ya business as long as all the bills are paid I can care less.
hospitalred writes:
You seem like a really really really really really great woman. One of a kind actually. I’m not going to disrespect you by talking bad about him or talk about your taste in men not at all, I respect the fact that you love and respect your husband and all that. It’s admirable and rare these days.
But you also have to respect yourself. All the signs of a bad ending are there. You’re a hard working woman who wants to do good and thinks for the future. You have a daughter and a child in your belly. If you don’t know what to do, then I would advise to leave this man.
I would’ve said to go to therapy or counselling already went through counselling and it didn’t seem to help. You’re 25, you’re still very young which means you can still have a future and a life with someone else who will love and respect you and your children. And you’re brilliant! Please don’t torture yourself with him.
OP's update (3 days later):
I'm not sure if this is how you update but I figured I would go ahead and try. If you're watching my post thanks for the advice and even if some of the comments weren't that nice I'm still thankful. Over the last 3 days, I've spoken to my mom and my in-laws.
My husband reached out to her that he didn't want to be with me anymore but it wasn't because of the money it was because he felt forced to get married and have a baby and even though we got pregnant with the second one because of his sister he still blames me.
6 years together and felt like he refused to talk about it. Even when we were in counseling. I asked his mom what he wanted to do because he wasn't answering my phone calls or messages and she said she sent him money for a plane ticket so he could go to her.
I am heartbroken that she didn't tell him to try harder for his kids. After all his dad left him and his siblings. but I can't force him to stay and I have to think about them right now.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I spoke to a lawyer my friend used for his divorce yesterday and he's going to help me draw up a divorce plan.
He said my husband can go after the money but he doesn't think he will. I'm filing for full custody and will be asking for a minimum in child support unless he wants to sign his rights over.
I'm done being stupid and thinking he would grow up. I packed his things and hired a moving company to take them to his mom's house so all his stuff will be gone in a few days too.
My first clue he didn't want our daughter was that she was not even crying asking where he is. She's just running around with me and my mom. I did send him a little bit of money for his travels and told his mom I'll send the divorce papers as soon as I get them.
She just told me okay and hung up. So that's what's been happening the last few days. Haven't spoken to my soon-to-be ex-husband and I am now fully on my own since I was 19. I'm hoping everything goes good! Hopefully I don't have to update again.