'My wife (who cheated years ago) keeps crossing boundaries. AITA for involving her parents?'
"My wife (who cheated years ago) keeps violating boundaries and comparing me to her affair partner. WIBTA for involving her parents?"
TLDR: Wife cheated years ago, continues to violate boundaries, makes hurtful comparisons to affair partner, and maintains inappropriate friendships. Recently had our wedding ceremony after 7 years together. I'm now a citizen with no kids. Considering involving her parents for accountability. Stay or leave?
I (30sM) come from a conservative West African country where I experienced significant childhood bullying and medical issues that led to deep insecurities about my masculinity. My parents handled these issues poorly, with my father attributing medical issues to spiritual causes and my mother making hurtful comments. There was no privacy when discussing personal matters in my family.
When I moved to the US for education, I met two women. One was inexperienced but not compatible with me, while the other had more relationship experience which triggered my insecurities but was otherwise great. I chose the second woman.
Early in our dating phase, I confessed to seeing both women simultaneously before committing. This was with my then-girlfriend's knowledge. This led to a series of events where she cheated on me with a guy from her bible study group who was from a neighboring African country (adding cultural rivalry tension). She claimed mental instability and begged for forgiveness after lying about it multiple times.
Around this time, my visa was about to expire. I had to choose between leaving the US or marrying her, so we got married partly out of necessity. When discussing the affair, she made hurtful comments comparing me unfavorably to the other man and refused my requests for apologies from both of them.
Over 7 years together, there have been multiple incidents of boundary violations:
- She brings up past intimate experiences unprompted. eg. saying "I hooked up with a dude at beach" when I tried planning a romantic date.
- She allows male friends to behave inappropriately with her in front of me
- She checked out other men during events I planned for her
- She maintains contact with men I've asked her to block
- She recently sent a "Happy Father's Day" message to another man (though I've never received one)
- When confronted about inappropriate comments about her comparing me to her affair partner, her response was "I told you the truth" rather than acknowledging my hurt.
We've tried couples therapy, but it wasn't helpful. We recently had a big wedding in my home country (though we were already legally married), and now I'm a citizen. We don't have children yet.
I'm thinking about suggesting a meeting with her parents as witnesses where she would acknowledge the hurt she's caused and make commitments for our future. Should I stay and try to make this work, or is this relationship too damaged? AITA for thinking about involving her parents at this point?
EDIT: I see a lot of the comments saying leave her so I wanted to provide a little more context. The offenses I listed happened over a period of 7 years. Over such a long period we are bound to offend each other. She has been supportive of me during my individual therapy and gave me a hall pass to see if it helped my mental health.
She was very supportive during my immigration and I genuinely do not want to feel like I just used her for documents. My love for her is genuine.
What do you think? AITA if he involves her parents? This is what commenters had to say:
Shortandthicck2 said:
She’s doesn’t love you. Behavior is a language and her language is very clear here…she doesn’t respect you at all, which means she doesn’t love you.
There’s not a chance I’d stay in this situation.
TacoStrong said:
YWBTA for continuing to stay with that mess. Meeting with her parents isn’t going to change anything. She has proven countless times that she has no respect for you and the marriage so I am really baffled why you’re doing this to yourself at this point!?
OP responded:
Thanks for your comment. I think I need to come to the acceptance phase
onceagainhere007 said:
Sorry OP. Affair partner, inappropriate with other men in front of you, no boundaries… I think you may have hit the jackpot. Is there a version of this where you see everything working out?
OP responded:
She has shown commitment to therapy. She was diagnosed with BPD and has a narcissistic parent. She worked through things over the years and I saw an improvement
the_mad_phoenix said:
Stand up for yourself, she treats you like a joke.
And Peetrrabbit said:
You’re not married to her parents. You’re married to her. It sounds like you want to change her. It sounds like you’re not compatible with her. That has nothing to do with her parents.