'AITA for telling my wife she makes traveling no fun?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife she makes traveling no fun?"
So my wife (38f) and I (36m) have been together 8 years. We live in my home state of Arkansas, she is from San Diego. Every year she wants to visit home, we used to fly but since we have a kid (2f) she now wants to drive.
I have no problem using all my vacation days for this, she lives here. Traveling is a pain because she overpacks. Used to fill my CX-7 FULL, but work gave me a $900 car allowance and we used that to get a full size Suburban.
This time she loaded THAT full. I mean front passenger to the ceiling so I can't see the mirrors full. We didn't use hardly any of it. Every stop I carried everything into the hotel because she was afraid it would get stolen. It's 3 days each way.
Got through it, told her she makes traveling miserable because she is also super late. Tell her 10am. She might arrive by noon. So Every day we don't leave the hotel until 12, then she insists we drive until midnight, ugh, unfun.
Anywayyy. This weekend I was sent on a work conference. They got me a sweet hotel room, week at a nice resort, super excited. We were going to go and leave the baby.
Day before she cancels my mom watching to bring our child. Fills the suburban full, again. Mind you, it's my work trip. 5 days, 5 nights. Most of the stuff was just over-packing. She brought a tote of blankets. One of towels. Two of her clothes! Totes!!
I told her she makes it miserable (the hotel always gets cluttered and full, the night before we leave is always a mess trying to pack and her "organizing" stuff she brought that never gets used.)
She freaked out, told me i just want to go hook up and cheat at these things (I invited here) and she is filing for a divorce because I told her "your overpacking and insisting we fill every vehicle full and always being late makes me.miserable"...
We were 3 hours late leaving to get to the conference, so I missed the networking opening night which is where in my industry people tend to clic up afterwards to a degree.
I missed going to the best vendor events, etc, because she insisted that I don't leave because she was overwhelmed with how messy the hotel room was. (Mind you, it was all the stuff she brought, took out of totes, and never used, and the toddler then destroyed. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Does she always threaten divorce so causally? Next time tell her “sure, I’ll call the lawyer tomorrow and start that up” and see her face drop at calling her stupid bluff. She sounds really annoying to travel with.
Yeah, throwing around divorce like it’s nothing is a huge red flag that’s not how healthy communication works. Next time, calling the bluff might just snap her out of it. And yep, constant drama on a trip? Exhausting. Sounds like she makes everything about control, not connection.
I agree! That’s absolutely insane. I also wonder if she’s cheating since she thinks he will hook up with someone! I was constantly accused of hooking up with others when I was engaged. Did I? Not once! Did he? All the time! I was livid when I found out how much.
Throwing that around is definitely a serious red flag. My husband would casually throw up getting a divorce when we first got married and had a big fight. I told him one day that if he's going to throw that out there, he'd better have the papers ready for me to sign.
Otherwise, don't bring that word up, because that is very serious and despite any fights I take our marriage seriously. He hasn't said it since.
Why did you invite her? Especially after she canceled child care. “Since you canceled child care with my mom you can’t come on this trip” If she leave you because you go on a work trip your marriage is at the end already. She’s doing this on purpose to sabotage your career.
Sounds exhausting. NTAH, but has your wife been evaluated by a mental health professional? This behavior is not normal and probably indicated there is something wrong. Likely something to do with high levels of anxiety. I' not qualified to diagnose though.
I agree. She needs to seek mental health services. Sounds related to post pregnancy depression and anxiety. Her child is still young (2). It really could be related to all that hormonal imbalance and if she doesn't get help now it will only get worse and further strain their relationship.
She seems very unstable and overwhelmed but also fearful because she wouldn't even leave her baby with a babysitter (in law) shows there are several things going on with her.
Its isn't something her husband could necessarily talk away. Great on him for still being supportive these past two years but I am definitely sure there are other things going on at home and other signs.
Why are you with her? If she is ready to divorce you because you voiced that you aren't happy about traveling with her and she's making it so you miss your work events and is then complaining about a mess that she created I can't image what the rest of your relationship is like.
Flying with a 2 year old sounds a lot wiser then deelung with your mentally ill wife sounds like she has a multiple mental issues get her help before she messes your kid up.
Please allow her to follow through with the divorce, man. This marriage sounds miserable as hell, just a nightmare day by day. You gotta get yourself out of there, for your own mental health and so your child doesn’t grow up thinking this kind of stuff is normal in a marriage.
Your wife needs some professional help, that s&#$ is not normal and then overreacting to you saying that her antics make traveling suck for you, all just point to her not being well in the head. Freaking psycho, bro, drop that extra weight like a POS and run away. Hell nah.
Later OP came back with these edits:
1. Yes I am involved in raising our child. I actually packed for our trip, I had one bag for baby to go to mom's (toys, diapers, food, etc). A big bag but one large suitcase. I had a bag packed for wife and one for me.
2. Yes, she had ADHD
3. She always says she doesn't want to do this, then trip comes and she does it.
4. I am not a cheater. She accused me of it last time I went solo. I am exhausted. If she left me I think I would be done with relationships, my own mental health is wrecked
5. My boss wasn't mad, he found the whole thing hilarious when I told him. He skipped half of the conference himself. My job wasn't threatened, but to me it was.
6. I tried the whole packing thing for her and me. I have tried to just accept her issues, but it's gotten worse. When we first got together it was she needed a large checked bag for a 2 day trip to Las Vegas. Now she needs an entire suburban for a week trip.
7. One of issues is the vehicle is so full. If it was just the back, I might be able to deal. But it's so full I can't even see the side mirror.. I've expressed how unsafe that is and she doesn't care just yells that I don't understand
8. Yes she comes from a hoarder background
About a month later OP posted this update:
About a month ago I told my wife she makes traveling no fun.
I posted before we left for our drive home. Since then, it's been a whirlwind
We got home, I wanted to talk, she said we were fine. I called a counselor and got us more couples therapy, and set her up with one who specializes in trama that causes hoarding.
She did not call a lawyer. She threatened again so I dialed one on her phone and put it on speaker and walked away. Not my best moment.
However, since then we have attended 4 sessions together and she has went 5x apart. I spent all my savings to hire some people to come in and help her clean for a week, we threw away 2 40yd dumpsters fairly full of stuff.
Cleaned put her car (the one she puts my daughter in daily) out and established a routine of only her purse and diaper bag go up front, the rest is trunk only. I've had to go through it daily and remove stuff, I once let it go 4 days and it was full again.
We are going to see her family in December. I made it very clear if the vehicle is loaded full, I am going to the airport and flying with our daughter and she can make the trip herself. We made the packing lists already. The boot of the Suburban can be full but nothing above the boot cover and nothing besides a small cooler and purse and diaper bag up front.
I bought refundable tickets for my daughter and I to fly to and from San Diego if she fills the vehicle and throws a fit.
Now how is our quality of life?
She seems happy. Her family says she is happier than ever, she has always wanted a clean house and car (but fights me when I clean up, even now, as she was about to do it).
I am miserable. I am constantly picking up the car, the yard, the house. I let it go two days once and got screamed at for sabotaging her.
I talked to a lawyer myself. Not to move forward but to protect myself.
My boss actually has me in line for a promotion. Which is great, only problem is if our marriage ends and she and moves back to California then I would be stuck in a 2 year deal at work.
So I am currently very nervous about career advancement when I am miserable personally
Edit: forgot to add the "cheating" part. She confessed she was nervous I would cheat because I am "not the ugliest guy around and you work hard, so if you hate me then you would have options". I have no idea if she is cheating, and I am kind of at a point when I don't care. I am 100% checked out
Here's what people had to say after the update:
This is terrible and I am not sure why you are putting up with it. You picking up after her every day is not making her better, it is enabling her. Are you okay with your daughter living like this? What about her learning that it is okay to keep a house/car messy so long as she finds a man to clean up after her?
You are doing no one in that house any favors. Why are you even giving her the option to drive to CA? I would tell her you can't do it anymore and just fly, period end of story. You are treating her like a child who doesn't know how to clean up after themselves, not a wife.
Ok-Cut-9597 OP responded:
I don't know why I am giving the option of driving. She wants to and I don't have the will to fight anymore. The only reason I am doing anything is because my kid deserves better. And she deserves a mother that loves her, and my wife does. I see the care and love for her.
She works full time as a teacher this year, so in theory yes. The way she spends money no, but the Financials say yes.
My boss thinks the whole thing is hilarious, I had a near breakdown in my office one day, he heard about it from coworkers who were worried and he took me to lunch and beers. But he was Crystal clear, if I sign the promotion contract I am his for 2 yrs.
Her family is great, in small doses. They are the ones that will tell you they love you as you drown. Mine are the ones who tell you to go **** yourself as they drive 1500 miles to help.you move.
I am a social worker and have dealt with families who have hoarding issues. When I read about the two dumpsters of stuff, I was blown away, not by the amount, but by the support you gave her and the success you had. It is so rare; usually, there is an eviction, and the stuff is left for someone else to deal with.
I don't see her getting over her need for control (have not met and could be wrong), I personally have never seen it. It's not about the stuff; it's about control, and usually due to trauma. She will have to dive into therapy for a long time, and it doesn't sound like that is something that she wants to do.
I'm impressed by the success you have had. But I don't know how this will be healthy for you in the long run. You are doing a wonderful job, but you have to protect your sanity.
Ok-Cut-9597 OP responded:
I'll be honest, I don't know how
I myself have issues, which I have never been able solve in therapy.
My first post was mainly because my wife told me every man was expected to do this, and I expected to get roasted. And I did, but not for what I thought.
Just like now, getting roasted by some for doing what I am doing for the wrong reasons, etc.
These posts and replies have helped, and hurt. Helped in that I believe fully I am right in my beliefs, but hurt in that I can see I am not handling it completely the right way.
I can't see the top, and I am honestly just trying to survive at this point. I tried taking a day off today to just sort things out, but wife saw me on Life360 still at home so she took a day off with an "emergency sick kid" and is coming home so I don't "[ ]" in our bed... I literally have nothing left... I don't know what to do
I'm sorry OP but you need to leave. You need to make the change now. For your sake and your daughter's.
Later OP added these edits:
Edit 2:
So many responses.
Why haven't I cut the cord? Because she is my wife and we said for better or worse. How can I walk away from her when she is not doing OK without giving it the good old college try? Plus I was raised divorce is not an option. I gave myself until Christmas 2026, if it's not better then, I am pulling the plug.
I am picking up everyday because counseling said it would help, and also as people rightfully pointed out last time my daughter doesn't deserve this. I want a clean home, so I do it myself.
Is it defeating to come home everyday and the kitchen table is covered with random stuff she got out because she was "going to bake" but never did, and the bed is covered with totes of clothes she was "going to sort", sure.
Do I want to go through the guest room every 3 days because she destroys it (not figuratively but gets stuff out in it or brings things into it) and I want it to be guest ready at all times, no, I don't, but it's the price I pay.
If I don't do it, our house is s*^&, and our kid doesn't deserve it. If I leave, i am hurting someone with mental illness. All I am doing right now is destroying someone (myself). And when I finally walk away, I can HONESTLY say I did my best...
Yes I am documenting her car and the house when I get home and when I leave. I am probably enabling right now, but if it goes the way it probably will, I am going to be fighting to keep my daughter. Part of this going above and beyond is so that I can be the better parent, because people before we're right, I wasn't protecting my kid
As for her claiming I am.sabotaging, I must have worded it wrong. When I clean up she is mad because she was "going to do it in a minute" even though it's been days.
Those wondering about work, I am full time, she works full time now as a teacher, started back a few days ago. I had hoped she would stay home full time to raise our daughter as that's why I took this job (don't love it, don't enjoy it, but it pays the bills and provides a good QOL), but it's what she says she needs.
And for the people messaging me about using the word boot, I am from Arkansas but there is this thing called a plane, and I have worked all over and have even enjoyed a TV show or 2 that wasn't Walker Texas Ranger. I also call carts at the stores trolleys, partly to mess with people and partly because it entertains me, and mainly because it's become a habit.