Wife opposes husband's plan to 'explore options' with open marriage now that he's successful. AITA?
"My husband wants to explore his options now that he's successful. AITA for not wanting him to?"
My (40F) husband of 8 years (41M) spent his twenties and early thirties building his business. Part of the reason why he turned to being an entrepreneur was he had a tough time holding down jobs, to the point having a business was the only way he could earn money.
Either a supervisor was too dumb or controlling. Or because my husband didn't have the degree or experience required for the jobs he could tolerate. Or the hours at the jobs he had were horrible.
I understand his struggles with all those reasons, and when we started dating 14 years ago, I was the primary breadwinner simply by nature of the fact that I had a steady source of employment.
My husband told me that I was only the second serious girlfriend he ever had. He did have a few hookups here and there before we met, but mostly with women much older than him that never went beyond one night stands.
When we started dating he was the one always actively trying to pursue me and telling me how lucky he was to have me. Saying I was worth the world because unlike other New Yorkers I noticed the "invisible people."
Flash forward nearly a decade and a half and now we are married with 2 daughters ( 8 and 5). Things started working out for us around age 35 and I've never been anything but supportive. I quit my job to take care of our kids after he moved us to a nice Connecticut suburb.
But these past few years he's been treating me differently. Like me and our daughters are a source of annoyance. He's a part of a bunch of professional organizations and his own company loves a good party but I am increasingly not his date to any of them.
When I am alone with him he at least talks to me but if a beautiful girl joins the group it's game over for me, and I'm excluded from his social interactions from that point forward.
He talks to people within earshot about how beautiful this or that woman is. He tells me he's allowed to find other girls pretty. The final straw was during a company family thing where my daughters and I arrived and my husband ignored us until somebody said hi to us. Then he waved his hand at us like he was bashful of our presence and dismissing us.
In addition, the way his younger employees acted towards me made me suspect he was lying when he said he was going to these things without a date. Now we are in therapy and my husband is saying that he wanted two years of a test open marriage.
Where he could explore in a way he was never able to in his 20s. He says while I had the chance to play around when I was young and attractive, and other guys that weren't him could, he never could.
I told him this is not what we signed up for. And that I didn't think it was the charitable thing for a wife to do. He accused me of liking the lifestyle he provides and said to go carve out my own life instead of complaining.
I told him if he gets physically intimate, it has to be with me or I'm leaving. AITA and not understanding his struggle?
Here's what the top commenters had to say:
Niccels11 said:
Op, please choose yourself. He’s probably already testing the open marriage route he just hasn’t told you.
Differentesrgy said:
He sounds like a man going through a midlife crisis.
Tasty_Doughnut_9226 said:
NTA but I reckon he's probably cheated/cheating already. Get your ducks in order and get out. I honestly don't think there's any coming back from someone asking to open the relationship.
Gina52023 said:
Quietly get a lawyer and live YOUR life with your daughters.
Living_Promotion868 said:
Nice that he built an empire for himself and now forgot about you. Its time for you to go and give him space to stretch out his wildest dreams that his new money can buy. He seems to have his mind made up and youre not in that picture at all.
Just remember to claim half his empire when you divorce him, take half his equity and demand spousal support for the years you put in. Get as much as you can and build your own empire. NTA.
Sicon614 said:
NTA. Take your half and make sure the girls get theirs, too. Don't waste your time even thinking about it, either.
thecheesecakemans said:
NTA. You are being manipulated for even considering you are the AH here. He's successful so he figures he can do what other successful men do...sleep around. fLike other successful men he now needs to have child support and alimony payments as part of his monthly expenses.
Totally ungrateful for the years you supported him. Like all capitalists. They all think they are "self made" while forgetting all the people and schools and experiences that made them who they are now in order to be successful. Line up the ducks, shore up your friends and it is divorce time. Marriage therapy won't help.
HotCompetition999 said:
NTA. Clearly, this guy is a narcissist. He couldn't hold a job because he wasn't able to work with other people. The only reason he's successful now is because YOU provided for him when he was incapable. And now he wants to fuck around and find out? Divorce him. Take half.