'AITA for telling my wife she shouldn't have married me if she expected intimacy?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife she shouldn't have married me if she expected intimacy?"
Hi, I'm 29M, and I've been married to my wife 30F for 2 years. This Thursday I was watching TV it was my day off. When my wife came back home from a sleepover with her best friend so I went to ask how it was and if she had fun.
But she immediately started yelling me that she deserved way better. And I was a pathetic excuse for a man that couldn't even fulfil her needs. I asked to calm down and stop yelling at me. I asked her where this was coming from because she never told me she felt this way. I asked her to sit down so we could talk, but she refused.
She stared at me for a while and said her friend Amelia helped her realise I wasn't enough for her and I wasn't good enough and she could do better. So I just asked her what was the point of even marrying me, and she shouldn't have married me if she expected intimacy? She didn't even answer me.
She went to our bedroom, packed a bag, and left, and I'm left here feeling stupid. Honestly, I didn't know who tell about this. I feel so embarrassed if that makes sense. I don't even want to tell my friends I feel so ashamed and inadequate.
Relevant info:
I'm asexual which my wife knew before we even started dating.
I've never been comfortable with intimacy which I thought my wife understood and was okay with and was happy with me showing her love in other ways: dates, flowers, long talks ect. Now I know this wasn't the case.
My wife's sister has been messaging me, saying that I'm condescending and that I dismissed my wife that I'm a jerk. I think we might be heading for a divorced. Am I the jerk? My wife has never acted this way before it felt like their was a stranger in my wife's body. Sorry if this post is a mess. My thoughts are a mess.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
“I’m asexual, which she knew before marrying me” THIS. It’s hard to be in a relationship when the other person’s preferences just don’t align with yours, even more so when they enter it looking to “fix” you or get something that you adamantly disclosed you could not give.
NTA, and I’m sorry. I’m sure this is way out of left field for you, I hope you heal, and I hope you find someone one day who won’t make you feel bad for something you cannot help.
This is like marrying a paraplegic and then getting pissed 2 years later that they don't go out on long hikes on rugged trails with you. You knew that what you wanted was not a physical possibility before you ever married and acted like you were satisfied with the other things they could do with you, like rolling through the park or well maintained trails.
Marrying an asexual that doesn't want any sexual intimacy and then expecting sexual intimacy is just dumb.
Since she already knew you are asexual even before dating you, NTA.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
I want to start by saying my friend did end up managing to drive to see me, and he's currently here right now. He took some time off for me. Honestly last night was a blur and if honest I couldn't stop crying that sounds very pathetic but I'm glad my friend was with me because I don't know what I would of done without him.
He has been my rock throughout this. He's always been my rock. I just wanted to share that mainly because of the other people who shared their stories with me I wanted to share mine.
We hugged for a while. I think I needed a hug. For this post, I'll be calling my friend Noah to make this post less confusing and so I don't have to write my friend over and over again.
Noah came to the same conclusion as most of you guys did that my wife was cheating on me. He asked me what I wanted to do, and I decided I didn't want to stay with her. I just can't. So we will be getting divorced, and I will be filing and getting a lawyer.
We talked about a lot things and I admitted to him I felt isolated because me and wife moved when we first got married we moved really far from everyone I knew to the point I have no family or friends in the area which has been very lonely.
Noah admitted to me that a lot of our friends dislike my wife. So ask him to explain, and he said he never liked the way she talked to me. But he didn't want to say anything because I seemed happy.
He said I could crash at his place he said it wasn't healthy if I stayed here alone, so yeah, we're currently packing my things right now. We also just talked about life in general.
He asked me once everything is over if I wanted to go on vacation with him. I think that would be nice. I feel like it is like a sort of escape if that makes sense. I just feel so drained and tired.
My sister in law has been messaging a lot since everything has gone down, and honestly, I don't want to read her messages. I also know me and my wife will need to talk eventually, but right now, I just can't.
Sorry if this post isn't the long dramatic post that some of you expected. Some dm's said I need to confront my wife and demand the truth, but right now, for my own sake I rather be willing ignorant. I don't want to know if she cheated or not.
Sorry about my grammar in advance it's the middle of the night, and I'm tired. I fixed the title of the post because a lot of you guys pointed it out I used of instead of have. I just want you to know I saw you. I will post an update if anything else happens.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm so sorry. Block your SIL. You're not married to her. You owe her nothing and she needs to mind her own damn business. Don't read the messages. Have your friend block her so you don't have to see it.
New_Delivery_5704 (OP)
Yeah, I'm going to do that. I don't think it's good for me if I read them.
You don’t have to say a word to her ever. Get a lawyer and all communication is thru lawyer, make sure he says to her no communication. If you in an at fault state ask him about a pi if it will save you money. Block her family if they will act against you. Also ask him about stopping joint credit cards. I would open a new account at another bank and your cheque goes there if you have a joint account.
Take care of yourself, and let Noah take care of you. Sounds like he's a good egg. Best wishes.