Wife threatens husband, 'You have 12 hours to decide if you want a divorce or an open marriage.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.
When this woman unveils her husband's secrets and issues him a 12 hour ultimatum to decide their fate as a married couple, she asks Reddit:
"In 12 hours I will get the answer, divorce or open marriage?"
I gave him an ultimatum. Either an open marriage or divorce. I caught my husband of 12 years cheating on me. I do know the girl because she is a part time cashier at the local grocery store.
He has been spending a lot of money on her. I got the proof and confronted his ass. He did what most cheaters do. Deny and gaslight. When he couldn't make up more lies he finally caved and started with his big man tears of "don't leave me baby", "I swear I will change". I gave him options.
Either we open our marriage, and keep our home and keep our children and they will grow up in a house and not shift every weekend, you can keep your side chicks as long as you do not bring them into our home, we will have set of rules and boundaries.
I laid out all the boundaries and conditions for my bum of a husband. Threre were six in total. 1)He cannot spend money from our joint account, he can spend money from his personal expenses however, in case of emergency, he will put his family above his side chicks.
2) Never bring them home or into our space where we have our kids. 3) No family members or friends. 4) Always use protection and regular STD checkups. 5) We will tell each other about the dates and when are we going, who are we with.
We do not have to share pictures of our partners. 6) If he gets a woman pregnant, it's the end and if I get pregnant by another man, I will either get an abortion or put the kid to adoption or if the father agrees he can keep the baby and I will sign away my rights and yes he is more than welcome to divorce me and I will not push him for child support for another man's child.
Or, we will get a divorce. We will split everything evenly, the house is in my name so, I will keep the house. We will only contact through parenting app. No bad mouthing to our kids. If our kids want to know the truth later in life we will tell them. We will have a healthy co-parenting relationship.
He can have as many girlfriends as he wants but he shouldn't force our children to accept them. It's for our kids to decide. I gave him 48 hours. 12 hours is left. We will see what he decides. If he cannot then I will make the decision for both of us. My decision is divorce. AITA?
Before we give you all of OP's updates, including her FINAL update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
dryinstruction writes:
I will go against the popular opinion here and say ! Mad respect. I like how you've got him cornered.
There's a sadistic touch to this whole proposal, and I'm not sorry that I'm loving it. He's got a choice now. He can not cry you divorced him. You gave him two choices, whichever HE chooses, only you win imo.
I know, I know. He can flip later IF he agrees to the open marriage. But that's for later to deal with. I'm gonna enjoy what's happening to him right now. I'm sure you'll manage to jack his cheating ass even if that were the case later on. All the best Queen ! You got it !
peeapo writes:
I am in an open marriage and we are so happy. I am polyamorous but my partner is traditionally romantic. So that’s pretty much the only way it can work for us. I want him in my life but a traditional marriage just wouldn’t work for me.
We trust each other and always put each other first. And we are always honest. I am his third partner and pretty much the first one who feels like it’s gonna last.
Don’t let people who never have been in an open marriage dissuade you from trying something. Maybe it will work for you both or maybe it will not. The only way to find out is if you both agree to give it a try.
And TBH the lack of new sexual experiences is the #1 killer of marriages. You both deserve a healthy and fun relationship. Good luck.
obiwan writes:
So much going on here. Clearly a loveless marraige if OP is willing to just be ok with an "open" marraige. I am thinking there is more to this than "I have been a perfect partner and the love of my life cheated on me"
This whole I am so rational act is tiring on reddit and we should call it out more for what it is.
There is no possible way that cheating leads to a choice of opening a marraige. No f-g way.
Also, just because a house is in one spouces name does NOT mean that spouse simply gets to keep it or sets all the rules with no conditions. TV has done a number on the perception of divorce.
zeebreezy writes:
Don't fall for it. Even if he tries to manipulate you with agreeing to open the marriage, he will do everything he can to sabotage your time, availability, and energy!
Biggest weapon in his arsenal will be the kids. You stated that a condition stipulates you both will openly inform each other of dates and times; however, the moment you inform him that you have a date or meet up with a potential partner...
he will sabotage you by going out and booking himself something or saying he has some work-related matter or leaving the house and leaving you stranded with the children and should you find childcare, he will guilt you by making you feel as though you've abandoned your kids for some D.
I'd caution against the full disclosure open marriage. His ego can't truly handle what you would or could possibly do.
Agree with you on options presented! People are quick to yell out divorce, but all you're doing is attempting to level the field. Your marriage was already opened, just involuntarily on your end and without your consent.
You are seriously having a grown woman discussion here that's basically saying "look we've built a family, life, legacy together but you are not the only person in this house who wants to get fuq'd"!
So what we gonna do is continue this situation and what you're not gonna do is bring any babies or diseases in our household but best believe I'm gonna fuq other people too and we are not gonna discuss it.
Open marriage rules tend to get violated, so go for open without disclosure....the less you know, the better, and as long as it doesn't disrupt your household and firm rules, proceed sis and get yours!
Whew, the things I could say and advise here, but you might not be ready for that discussion.
Before the MAJOR final update, OP offers a few updates about her family history with infidelity:
My dad cheated. Confessed. Mom forgave him. He never cheated after that because the work he had to do to gain my mother's trust back. He knew this was his last chance.
But she still had suspicion that he was up to no good. I know for most parts she was ok and knew my dad loved her and she can trust him but the feeling of insecurity never goes away.
And maybe she held it out for the sake of us, we did love our dad a lot. He was a great father and 80% of the time a good husband. But my mother was relieved when my father died. How I know this?
Because she cried for only 4 days and was back to normal. Then next year she met a guy and had been with him since. My mom and dad have been married for 35 years when he died.
This update gives more details about OP's husband:
Also, this is not the first time my husband cheated. I forgave him. I found sexting and he blamed it on his sex addiction and I forgave him because we had children. Even now he blamed it on me that I do not give him sex. I mean he is a bum and doesn't do his part of chores.
Always complains. So, I gave him what he wants, he wants to have sex with multiple woman I am giving him that under my condition, so that he cannot blame it on me that I never did anything on the sex part. Knowing him I know he will not decide it. I have to take this decision for us. Like I always do.
And now, finally, OP's update about what her husband decided to do:
Well, I gave the verdict before 12 hours was up because I knew he will not choose any of the option and rather gaslight me. I gave him 48 hours, he couldn't decide. He still wanted to talk.
And see if we can work things out. I told him to pack his stuff and get out. He begged and pleaded. I stood firm. He said if several couples make it work and what not but I am not a doormat who will waste several years of her life building a foundation that was already broken.
I have contacted my lawyer. I will serve him within this week. I already had the divorce papers ready but I didn't serve him because I gave him the option of what it is going to be. Soon, our family will know.
And I will not hear anyone who says to give him a chance. I did and he failed. I don't believe in cheating makes relationship stronger crap like that one guy in my comments told me. I know I cannot even look at him the same way. I am done being weak and making excuses for him.
That's it. I am siting in my empty house. My kids are with my mother. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I guess I knew this would have been the ultimate fate of my marriage even if we choose open relationship.
But I guess I didn't want my kids to come from a broken home. But then again my kids would have lost it anyways. My mother forgave my dad and he never cheated but I knew that in the back of her mind she still had suspicion that my dad was cheating.
She never fully trusted him. No matter how much she said they are ok and after the incident their love was stronger, no matter how much she was praised for being a strong woman for giving her husband a second chance, I knew she wasn't fully trusting my father.
He didn't know it but people around them knew. And she sighed a relief when he died. It just meant she doesn't have to pretend anymore.
Sorry, I am just rambling. I am a mess right now. I am just coping by posting on reddit and talking to internet strangers. The point is I don't want to live like my mother worrying where he is, if he is really going to work or not.
Being a cell guard in my own marriage. I won't lie when I told him I will get a divorce, I felt lighter, as if a weight as been lifted. Thanks people.