'Wife and I tried for kids last year. Found out I'm infertile. Months later she got pregnant.' UPDATED 2X

"Wife(F33) and I (M34) decided to try for kids last year. Found out I'm completely infertile without surgery. 5 months later she got pregnant."

My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 6. She's always been one of the most amazing people I've ever met. No huge fights, love languages match up, and we're both fairly active people which has been why we've always had a really strong relationship for so long. That's why this is so difficult for me.

We've both been doing pretty well in our careers the last few years. She's in marketing and I work independently as an IT consultant, allowing me to set my own hours and be pretty flexible. We decided last year that we wanted to start a family, her most likely keeping her job full time and me scaling back to part time. We've both been anxious but pretty excited to have our own kids.

Long story short, I was diagnosed with azoospermia last December. Blockage in the pipes just meant I wasn't actually producing any sperm when ejaculating. It's curable with surgery thankfully, and we finally got it scheduled this July. She's got a high s*x drive as do I, so we've still been very s*xually active, but there should've been no way I could have gotten her pregnant.

She missed her period this week. I couldn't imagine that she might actually be pregnant, right? The babies are bottled in until they get the blockage out. She took three tests though, and sure enough they're all positive. At first I was stunned, because this shouldn't be possible.

She's never been unfaithful to me in the past and never given me a reason not to trust her. I'm not the jealous type, but I'm literally stuck. The doctors said this couldn't happen. And I can't believe my wife would jeopardize the future we've been so excited for over some fling when we seem to have such a great emotional and physical connection.

My wife's been ecstatic. She's given no indication of any guilt or worry that she may have cheated. She was so excited when she first found out that I didn't express my worries then. But she left for work and now I feel completely torn. What if she did cheat? Looking back now there's a few tiny things that didn't seem to be an issue but now have me wracking my brain for clues.

Her job often has her taking clients out for dinner and it's not uncommon for her to get back later in the evening. She definitely had a busy last few months, but that's not uncommon for her job. She always wears one of the same two perfumes, but she came back one night smelling completely different.

I remember seeing a text message on her lock screen of just a winky face, a different time, but assumed it was one of her girlfriends. F man I don't know what to do. I set up an appointment on Monday to see if there's any chance it could be mine. If it is mine and I accuse her of cheating I feel like the world's biggest AH.

But she's coming home in a few hours and I don't know what I'm going to say to her, I can't stop thinking of these small things that may have been her cheating and I just didn't see it. Do I wait until the doctor appointment Monday before talking to her, or do bring up these insecurities while she's celebrating the pregnancy? I'm worried I won't be able to hide what's going on.

TL;DR: Wife and I tried having a baby. My balls are blocked, surgery is in July. Wife got pregnant anyways. It seems ridiculous to think she cheated, but I was told I shouldn't be able to be fertile until the surgery.

Wife is celebrating, I can't stop thinking about small occurrences and what if she's cheating. Seeing Doctor on Monday to see if it could be mine. Want to wait until Monday, but don't think I can hide it. What do I tell her?

Edit: I should add I've been cheated on before. Our relationship has been pretty healthy, but that old fear is creeping back in now. I'm not sure how to just wait until the appointment.

Edit I really hope yall are right that some freak sperm made it past. My wife's coming home though in an hour and I have to decide if I'm going to put on a happy face until Monday or not.

Edit: She texted saying she's going be home late. This is bringing up some old emotional scars I think and is just f#$king with me. I'm usually never this insecure or uncertain about being straightforward. I think I need to just find some way to bring it up without being accusatory.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

milkbeamgalaxia wrote:

I’d say you should wait for the appointment. Biology can surprise us sometimes, but prepare for the worst case scenario.

OP responded:

Should I take her with me to it? I'm weighing the choices between that and going alone...I'm going to have to bring it up anyways, There's no way I can hide this when she gets back.

wastingtimeoflife wrote:

I literally just studied this! Ok so although you’ve been diagnosed with azoospermia it means that when they looked at your semen in the lab it didn’t have any sperm in it. However, you produce a lot of semen and the lab only looks at a tiny fraction of it which usually gives a good response.

Usually you would repeat several times before concluding its azoospermia, although just because the lab didn’t see any sperm it can just mean that you had an incredibly low count so none of their samples from the sample you have showed any. This doesn’t necessarily mean that for example in a normal ejaculation a normal guy would have 30-900million sperm which is usually about 15million per mL.

It’s possible you have maybe... even 1000 sperm per mL and you would still be diagnosed with azoospermia as it would not be expected that the likelihood of getting pregnant at the right time with only 1000 sperm would be probable: BUT IT CAN HAPPEN.

Even if you only had 1 sperm per mL of ejaculate you could still get her pregnant but you would definitely never find that 1 sperm as a biomedical scientist in a lab. Good luck and happy fatherhood.

OP responded:

F#$ I hope you're right. I don't remember exactly what they said, but are there any forms that would have a complete lack of sperm count? They seemed to be convinced it was completely "blocked off," but this was all months ago I don't remember exactly what they said.

bastigesinatree wrote:

Keep your mouth SHUT til you get your test results. IF by some miracle the dam has broken and you have swimmers, you can rejoice greatly. IF you mention your fears to your pregnant wife beforehand, you run the risk of TOTALLY trashing your marriage over your own paranoia- granted, its understandable BUT WAIT til you know whats going on before you speak. A few days isn't going to hurt anything.

[deleted] wrote:

She knows you blocked up yeah? If so, her reaction don't make a damn bit of sense for cheating. Don't make no sense for some weird ass surprise in vitro either, since in a month you gonna be fillin homegirls oven w/ enough baby batter to get the lil fella cookin yaself.

Occam's razor is her cheatin but I got a suspicion this is a medical mystery, not a matter of fidelity.

OP responded:

She definitely knows. Yeah I agree, that's why this is so difficult to know how to feel. I don't know if my instinct is trying to tell me something or Im just overreacting since I've been cheated on before.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

First I just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered their story about similar. I can't believe how many people are told they're completely sterile and end up being able to have kids anyways. I took a lot of what you guys said to heart. I had an ex of mine from years ago end up cheating on me, and it really left a scar for a while.

It wasn't until I got more involved with sports and getting in better shape that I was able to try and move on. My wife and I actually met in a soccer league we were in together. We've had so much trust for so long that I thought those fears had gone away.

It wasn't until now that I really started to feel shaken like that again. But I didn't want to let my past get in the way of what could be just a huge blessing. A few people really articulated the right way to communicate my feelings in a way that wasn't accusatory and respectful of my wife, who's never really given me a reason to doubt her.

It's not uncommon for her to sometimes be home late, and she'll usually like to go straight to bed. I didn't want to dump this on her immediately and decided to give myself a night to sleep on it. I got up pretty early just being restless, went for a run, and cleared my mind. I couldn't wait any longer. I made our favorite omelets, and told her I needed to talk about something.

"You know I'm not Ashley, right?"

She knows me well. Ashley's my ex who cheated. So first I apologized. I apologized because I let this build up in my head for so long without talking with her about it sooner.

What should be blessing has been nothing but insecurity and fear for me. We talked for a while. I told her how happy it made me to see her ecstatic and excited for the baby. I told her how much I loved the relationship that we've built together, and I felt like an asshole for questioning her loyalty.

She had never given me a reason not to trust her and that I still couldn't emotionally get over the thoughts of infidelity because of my ex. She thanked me for telling her, and she knew how hard it was for me to get over that. She volunteered to have us get a paternity right when he/she's born, which made me feel a lot better at first.

But something still felt off. I honestly don't know why, something about how she was so eager to get a paternity test, and almost not mad at me at all for having kept this from her. Normally she would have been upset that I didn't bring it up right away, but there was just a weird feeling I couldn't shake for the rest of the day.

It seemed like she was saying all the right things, but I couldn't get rid of this clawing feeling inside my head. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Maybe there's a gut feeling that I need to listen to. But I ended up going to the appointment alone, as we "decided" it would good to see if I still needed the surgery.

Turns out it's obstructive azoospermia. I've read so many stories about people who were supposed to infertile end up getting pregnant. So I brought that up, and how my wife's pregnancy was affecting me. The urologist thought it would be pretty unlikely that I wouldn't need surgery to have a kid with how mine was presenting itself.

He mainly tried to skirt around the topic, and mostly pushed me towards making sure she was actually pregnant. Being there didn't really help. I feel like I just got more uncertainty. She had another night being out to 8:30 last night. We talked about scheduling an appointment to verify the pregnancy when she got home.

She seemed a little confused, but then quickly agreed. She promised to do it in the morning. I asked how work had gone, and she gave me a kind of non-committal answer about her boss pushing her too much and being stressed out. There's nothing huge there, but she just seemed off. I really couldn't put my finger on it.

We were still acting all lovely-dovey, but something just felt wrong, and I couldn't talk about it without repeating the same conversation we had Sunday. I've been trying to throw myself into work to distract myself, but I haven't been able to focus. We have a joint checking account that we'll sometimes move money in and out of, but really only use it for groceries or household items unless we talk about it beforehand.

This morning she moved half of it to hers, about $1700. We don't do that, she's never needed to before. And I checked our health care portal, and she made the appointment for the one time Thursday that I mentioned I was busy working on-site.

We were supposed to go together. I'm starting to go crazy. How do I bring this up that isn't me just having the same conversation again? I'm looking into getting a second opinion for myself. But I need a litmus test from objective outsiders to know if I'm really losing it or if this seems weird to someone else.

TL;DR Had good conversation about my ex-cheating before and those issues, something still felt off. Urologist said I had obstructive azoospermia, implied I should "make sure my wife is pregnant" and didn't think I could be fertile. Wife is taking money from joint account and booked her doctor appointment when I can't go. Getting a second Urology opinion, also slightly going crazy.

UPDATE: I've been trying to center myself. We talked calmly for a bit on the phone. She claimed she moved the money out in anticipation for the deductible payments she'll have with different visits. I didn't bring up anything else, but she seemed a little impatient with me, probably rightly so, and implied we'd have a longer talk when she gets home.

I'm just trying to not overreact right now. I don't know what to think, this is either a misunderstanding on my side and Im a Father! Or...not. Thankfully she's not working late today. Thank you those who are trying to keep me grounded.

UPDATE: I went for a long run to clear my mind. Gotta shower, and then my wife should be home. I'm going to go into the conversation with no judgement, just objectively walk out the facts and why I've still been struggling personally with some of them. Regardless of what happens I'm done with any confusion left between us. Thanks to those who messaged me and gave advice.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

plcanonica wrote:

Hi Honey, I was looking at our medical portal to see when might be a good day for an appointment but noticed that you've booked it for Thursday. That's ok, I'll take some vacation and come along - it's too important to be close to you for that appointment. Chat about other stuff briefly, then. Oh, btw, I noticed you moved 1700 out of our joint account. Was that for the appointment or did I miss something?

raeshivahn wrote:

There is a paternity test called Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity (NIPP) that can check paternity before the baby is born. It includes taking your wife’s blood (fetal DNA can be separated and tested) and your blood. She can get her blood taken first and then you could go a little later (you don’t have to have it done at the same time). I only thought of this because it cost around $1700 to get it done. 🤔

fightmaxmaster wrote:

This morning she moved half of it to hers, about $1700. We don't do that, she's never needed to before. Everything else could just be your own anxiety, but this is something concrete.

What's confusing to me is why you're stressing about bringing this up without it being the same conversation, when the money thing is clearly a different conversation? "How come you've moved half of the joint account to your own account?" A perfectly simple question that should have a perfectly simple anwer, and there's zero reason not to just ask that question.

Edit: As this blew up, another question, namely why not tell you about it beforehand? Because she must know that you'd notice it, and she must know that you'd have some questions! This isn't a few dollars going missing, it's half the account. Which is suspiciously precise, and surely significant that she'd move it, knowing you'd spot it, but not give you a heads up regardless, knowing you'd wonder what was up.

OP responded:

Just texted her.

Nonsensical-Niceties wrote:

You got any sick time? Call in sick on the day of the appointment and go anyway. She technically already kinda agreed to go together so make it so. She can’t argue with that.

OP responded:

I wouldn't want to surprise her, but I think I might wait until she's home and mention I can take off and see what she says.

Nonsensical-Niceties wrote:

Solid plan. Honestly I hope it ends up just being a misunderstanding for your sake, but it’s better to be sure. And it’s not as though you’re being unreasonable.

OP responded:

Thank you. I'm trying to get all my uncertainty out here to make sure I don't act just on fear. Im a little uneasy how popular the post got though even though she rarely uses internet forums. I'll probably have to take this down eventually.

Three days later, OP shared another update.

I'm sorry to drag ya'll through the worst of my insecurities. I definitely channeled quite a bit of my negative shit into what I posted. But hey, that's what anonymous people are good for sometimes I guess. Anyways, we finally sat down after she got home last night. I told her everything that was going on.

The Urologist, the money, the upcoming appointment. I told her how, even with all her reassurances, too many suspect things kept happening. She agreed how everything looked, and immediately apologized. She didn't realize how much my last ex's cheating was still affecting me. She knew I was off going into the weekend, but thought we addressed that.

We talked about it Sunday, but I can get pretty internal with all these worries and not show them outwardly. And so while she had thought we were communicating, I wasn't. We decided to start from the beginning and go through everything together.The money was the real problem for me. She agreed how inconsiderate it was with where my head was at to do that without mentioning it.

Apparently the prenatal visits are so structured that they want you to set up a payment plan with them right away, and she wanted to make sure it was squared away to keep the appointment. She offered without me prompting to call them with me tomorrow to verify that, or if I really wanted we could move the money back.

She does get better rewards out of hers so it kind of made sense. We read up on obstructive azoospermia, and it doesn't seem like they're often invincible forcefields. It seems like only the actual absence of the vas deferens (CBAVD) actually guarantees complete infertility, so it is possible for some to get through.

We're going to go back to the original specialist I was working with last year and hopefully get a clearer picture. It turns out the appointment she made was the only time they had available so soon, and figured it'd be best not to wait. I told her I took off work to go with, and she was relieved I could join. Once again, she said all the right things and seems genuine about getting us on the same page.

After going through each thing I was just wishing I believed her a little more before. She's stressed out with work and when she'll have to take off, but she really seemed to want to go out of her way to alleviate my concerns. She even offered an open phone policy if I needed. We did look at the text I had seen, and it was just a girlfriend. I declined though right now, since I don't want to be that husband.

This has really made me take a deeper look at what's in my past and how that still affects me today. Even thinking back to this weekend, it was so hard to see in the moment how much all the uncertainty was affecting me. That level of anxiety literally makes you question what around you is real. I think the trust but verify is the best way to put it. I was just trying to verify without any of the trust is all.

This has all put a strain on our marriage right now, but I'm feeling a bit more like we're a team again working towards easing that. She thought that an NIPP ASAP was a great idea, as long as we also get some kind of counseling together. I'm not big on therapy, but I can probably agree that it will most likely help.

I'm feeling a little better about everything. Thanks again to everyone who reached out and shared their own story (Every other comment here I read was a story of a family member who was supposed to be barren and ended up popping out triplets), and most of all those who helped me try to communicate fairly through all of this. It's time for me to hopefully be a father.

TL;DR Use your words. - Wife and I objectively went through everything. We both apologized, getting a NIPP soon and hopefully a therapist.

The comments kept coming.

ToTTenTranz wrote:

She thought that an NIPP ASAP was a great idea, as long as we also get some kind of counseling together. Glad to see this was her attitude.

[deleted] wrote:

It's excellent that your wife was able to not be defensive and to identify with your (jilted and wounded) perspective to see how things could be negatively interpreted by you. Speaking for the whole internet here, we wish you and your new family the best and that you continue down your healing road!

Goosebeans wrote:

Therapy is definitely the way to go, bud. Regardless of how sound the advice given here is, friendly internet strangers are still strangers. The disconnect the screen presents can sometime create a chasm between individuals. Glad to hear things worked out for ya.

SmittyManJensen_ wrote:

I’m glad it worked out. All I can suggest at this point is to remember that you’re not the only person that went through a traumatic event here, your wife did as well. She realized her husband does not fully trust her, regardless of whether it’s within your control or not. Please keep the lines of communication open with her and spend time together to rebuild that trust - for both of you.