'AITA for trying to take back $80k of the $160,000 my spouse spent behind my back?'
"AITA for trying to take back $80k of the $160,000 my spouse spent behind my back?"
Disastrous-Power-101
My husband spent $160,000 "investing" in baseball cards without telling me. During this same time he would get mad at me for spending money on meal plans or salon services.
I would get yelled at for my disrespectful spending and my financial goals not aligning with his, so he'd say. He did most of this spending on his personal credit card that he paid for with our joint account.
For a long time I didn't have access to our online banking so I didn't see the amounts he was paying in his credit card. Whenever I would question a $2,000 or $4,000 payment, he would have some excuse and usually would say it was on the family or grocery store. He would refuse to show me his statements.
One day, driving to lunch, he mentioned how my friends owed him for the concert tickets I had used his card to buy. I agreed to get the money from them. In mentioning the card though, I remembered just seeing another $4,000 payment come out of our joint.
This was after 2 months earlier, when he promised he had a $2,000 balance and was going to pay it off and stop using it. So I asked, "I thought it was going to be paid off a couple months ago?"
That was all it took. He launched in to me about how I ruin everything. Why can't we just enjoy the day? This is why my relationships never work, on and on and dropped me back off at our house and left.
It was this outburst that made me realize there was more going on. After lots of back and forth and digging and finally getting him to give me access to his credit card statements, I added up $160,000 in 3 years that he spent.
I already realize the financial abuse that has taken place on many levels, and there is so much I'm not including. During all of this, my husband met with a divorce lawyer, then begged ME for another chance.
That was about a year ago. We are still together but, as you can imagine, the financial issues are only one of many issues we have. At the time, I realized what he had spent and that I was so ill prepared for a divorce. I started transferring money from our joint to my personal every month.
My goal, over time, is to take my half back, $80k, and invest how I want to. He was of course mad but I basically said oh well. He should have considered me when he spent it and I was only correcting a wrong.
Recently he made sure the money wasn't in the account when my transfer was scheduled. He did this 2 months in a row and said I could no longer do this. I waited for the money to be there and did the transfer anyway.
He went nuts. Telling me I'm a rat, he's selling the house, dissolving our business, etc, etc. He says that it's wrong for me to go tit for tat and that I should let it go. The money is just sitting in my account as I have not spent any of it. Am I the a$$h0l3 for trying to take my half back over time?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Horror-Friendship-30
INFO: Have you actually seen this baseball card collection? I mean, it sounds like he was spending it on other things. In addition, I would insist on the receipts, not just the credit card. I would Google the business on the cc, as it sounds like he was spending it elsewhere.
Aside from that, dump him, claw back your money in the divorce, and live a better life. I all but guarantee that his divorce consultant told him that you wouldn't pay him alimony and that you had grounds for financial abuse and mental cruelty. NTA.
Comfortable_You_7077
NTA. Based on what you've shared, it sounds like you're not the asshole in this situation. Your husband's actions constitute financial abuse, as he spent a significant amount of money without your knowledge or consent while also restricting your access to financial information, as it's from a joint account.
Your attempt to reclaim half of the money is understandable, considering the breach of trust and financial harm caused by his actions. However, it's important to address these issues through open communication and potentially seek professional help like a therapist, for example, as it seems there are deeper underlying problems in your relationship beyond just financial matters.
18k_gold
For a long time I didn't have access to the joint online account. This is just stupid. You don't need his permission for access. You can call the bank and have them give you access or go to the bank and make them print out statements for you.
This went on for years and you blindly didn't take any action to look at your financial situation. He may be an AH but you are not innocent in taking no action. You are in this situation because of taking a backseat. If you didn't have any access to your account then you should have been getting your money put into a ln account with just your name on it where you had access to.
Money is a big reason why people have issues in their marriage. Having separate finances is best and split the responsibilities of who pays which bills. Go get your money now or take half of the baseball cards and sell them. ESH.
Rohini_rambles
This read like aan OP desperately hoping some strangers will tell them it's okay to go get a divorce. Break the silence OP, talk to your family and friends, reach out to people.
He was happy to use your money for what he wanted and abuse you for your small purchases. Get out and be free. Make sure there aren't other debts in your name. Talk to a lawyer. Lock down your money. Write up a will.
Beneficial-Mine7741
YTA. The correct course of action is to talk to a lawyer and file for divorce, letting them know the financial abuse and get restitution in the form of taking half of his estate. Instead, you are trying to get yours back before leaving his manipulative self...I get why, but you are still being an AH to yourself dealing with his BS.
ThisGardenGrows
He saw a divorce attorney and after that begged you to stay together? Sounds like the attorney told him that he would be financially accountable if a divorce happened. So, get your own appointment with a divorce lawyer.
Tell them everything and bring evidence. I suspect you will get your money back during the divorce. And, probably alimony. Which is the real reason your hubby wants to stay together. To avoid being held accountable.