Mom scolds son for rejecting matchmaking choice, until she learns the truth; 'this has become harassment.' AITA? + UPDATE
"AITA for not supporting my wife's decision to punish our son & letting him go to a party that will be tonight?"
Miserable-Article-44
This is a throwaway, but this involves some absolute high school drama nonsense that someone my age should have to deal with, but maybe I am 'trippin and missing something. So, here I am.
I (45M) share a daughter (17F) and son (15M) with my wife (41F). My wife's best friend (40F) has two daughter (18F & 15F). My wife's best friend moved to our town about six years.
My wife and her best friend have been not so subtly pulling for the two 15-year-olds to end up together. I find this weird and low-key creepy. About two years ago, wife's BF's youngest daughter appeared to have developed a crush on our son.
My son talked to me about it and he had zero interest. So, we discussed how to tactfully but firmly let her down. She has approached him again a number of times over the last couple of years and he has reaffirmed his lack of interest.
This past summer, my wife's BF's oldest daughter turned 18. Her parents went all out for her birthday. It was a whole weekend of festivities and events. One of the events was a couple's dinner for the oldest daughter and all her friends in couples.
The younger daughter of wife's BF wanted to go to the dinner but did not have anyone to go with. She asked my son, and he agreed to go, but only as friends and just this one time.
So, they went together. After the dinner, the "couples" all watched 10 Things I Hate About You together. It was my son's first time seeing it and he commented that he thought the Heath Ledger singing scene was cool (this is important later).
My business partner (44M) every year, for the last five years, throws a huge Halloween party. All our employees are invited along with close friends and family. The party requires a costume.
And at this party, there are prizes for best individual costume, group costume, and couples' costume. My wife's BF and her family are obviously invited every year. This year, the Halloween party is tonight, October 26th.
So, let me get to the reason I am here. About a month ago, my son is at school, and comes towards him is my wife's BF's younger daughter with a whole song and dance routine. She ends it by asking him to be her date for the Halloween party.
My son was so frustrated and reiterated, for everyone to hear, that he is not interested in her like that at all. Of course, it being high school, some kids laughed and she ran off crying. She has been bullied pretty badly because of it.
My wife's BF is livid and thinks our son owes her daughter an apology. My wife agrees and thinks, at a minimum, he needs to defend her against the bullying. My son has said that for two years he has told her he is not interested and reiterated it over and over.
At this point, he thinks it's kind of harassing to him and it is not his role to defend her harassment of him. I agree with my son. My wife and I have had a number of disagreements about it since it happened.
Well things have intensified in the last couple of weeks or so because another girl, who wife's BF's daughter apparently does not like, asked our son to be her date for the party and he agreed. They are doing a pretty dope couple's costume.
This has really pissed off my wife because she thinks he should, at least, not go to the party with another girl out of respect. I think that is ridiculous. I plan on driving them to the party with me. My wife now does not want to go to the party and is saying I am an AH and raising our son to be one. So, AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
NagaApi8888
NTA. Tell your wife consent goes both ways. What if it had been a boy harassing her BF's daughter for two years? Would she still push for the daughter to give that boy a chance, or to defend that boy, or force her not to go to a party with another boy 'out of respect'?! She and the BF are perpetuating some pretty damaging behaviors in the BF's daughter!!!!!
Fit_Marionberry_3878
It’s also detrimental to the daughter of BFF. She needs to accept that rejection happens, and it’s okay. He doesn’t like her, and had she recognized that earlier she would have saved herself the embarrassment that she endured at school. Her mother and OPS wife set her up for failure.
Suitable-Park184
I wouldn’t be surprised if they were aware of her plan to ask him and encouraged it.
rosenengel
I would bet any amount of money that OP's wife and the BF have been egging her on. Wouldn't even be surprised if wife had been making comments like "he's just shy", "I know he likes you really, I'm his mom I know these things" etc.
Carbonatite
I cringed so hard when I read about her method of asking out that I created a temporary singularity of secondhand embarrassment. Poor girl got set up for truly devastating public humiliation.
Instead of being weirdos and shipping their minor children, they should have had clear conversations with her about how sometimes the people we like don't feel the same way and we are not entitled to be in a relationship with them. That their consent is just as important as our own feelings. They could have saved a lot of pain for a lot of people if they just taught her how to accept rejection.
VegetableBusiness897
Ask your wife to please not pimp your son out to her besties daughter.
Twenty one days later, the OP returned with an update.
Miserable-Article-44
Update: Given the events of the past couple of weeks, I thought I would give an update. My wife did not come to the Halloween party. I took my son and his friend and they had a great time.
Unfortunately, only came in 4th in the couples costume voting. After the party, tensions with my wife died down considerable. She still felt what I did was wrong but she took a "what is done is done attitude."
The bullying at school has gotten more intense. Apparently, my wife's best friend's daughter confronted the girl who my son did take to the Halloween party. That escalated the bullying from other girls and two factions have formed among the girls in two grades over this and it has gotten out of hand.
Apparently some accusations have been thrown around about "cheating" at my son by various girls. My son has been unbothered because all his truly good friends know the truth. Last Friday we got a call from the school wanting to meet with us about the situation since my son was the "source" (their words, not mine) of the issues.
We met with some of the administration, and one of the teachers, on Tuesday. They wanted my son to "help" the situation by defending my wife's best friend's daughter to their classmates.
He refused and talked extensively about her harassing behavior over the past two years. They pushed against his "description" of her conduct. But, we ended the meeting with my son promising to provide a list of her harassment over the past two years.
Tuesday evening, my son prepared the list and showed his mother and I. When my wife saw the list, it was like scales fell from her eyes. She got pretty emotional, apologized to our son, apologized to me, and we had a good group hug.
She is now 100% on our side. She asked our son if she could share the list with her best friend. My son agreed. My wife's best friend's response was to double down. My wife is going low contact for the time being.
On Wednesday, we took the list to the school. It is a private school and has a strict code of conduct for students in and out of school. So, there is a possibility best friend's daughter may have some type of punishment for her behavior. I took my son out of school for the day and we hung out all day. Just dropped him back off at school today. So, this is the update.
My mom for years was a counselor. One thing she taught me is that repentance and forgiveness are not events, but processes. Also that in order for a relationship to be restored, there must first be repentance from the wrongdoer.
In light of that, a practice she had our family do was to write letters when one of us caused harm to another. The letter includes, in detail the wrong the person has committed, the resulting harm that was done, the immediate actions that will be taken to mitigate the harm, and the long-term actions being taken to mitigate the harm/ensure the action is not repeated.
My wife is currently working on her letter. The person who receives the letter can respond and request that additional actions be taken to address the harm done. My wife knows she is only at the beginning of the process and that it is going to take time.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Haikus_For_Freedom
Good on you for standing up for your son. He, and you, are very much in the right here. I have no idea what twisted tale the school has been told that they would try to put the impetus on your son, but I'm glad to hear you're supporting your son with that situation too, and that your partner is finally on board as well. Consent is for everyone, and harassment is not limited to gender.
heyomeatballs
Parents really need to remember that their children are people, not props to be used or characters they can ship.
HighlyImprobable42
No means no, except if you are a boy and I want to play dollies with live humans, in which case your "no" means nothing. -- mom and BFF. I'm so glad it finally sunk in for the mom. I'm still disgusted that she sided with the girl over her own son, as if his feelings didn't matter as much. That was a fail.
Idiosyncraticloner
I have feeling the wife's friend is going to cause quite the kerfuffle in the next update now that the idea of best friends' kids dating has blown up worse than a toilet after bad sushi...
Similar-Shame7517
Is there any circumstance where trying to ship real people doesn't end up being creepy?
JacobBlunden
It kinda depends and obviously I guess the context matters. You shipping two real life people who have met each other, have no desire to date or are dating other people and you attempting to manipulate them into dating each other…yeah that’s 100% creepy and weird.
You knowing two separate friends, saying to yourself they’d be perfect for each other and attempting to simply introduce them naturally and letting themselves naturally meet each other and see if they’re attracted to each other, that’s fairly normal.