'AITA for being willing to end my marriage because I refuse to uproot my kids from their life to follow my stepkids?'
"AITA for being willing to end my marriage because I refuse to uproot my kids from their life to follow my stepkids?"
My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married for almost 2. We both have children. My daughter is 11 and my son is 9. We lost their mom when they were younger.
My wife had been divorced for many years and shared custody of her 15 and 16 year old's with her ex until a few months ago when he was granted permission to move to another state with their kids, because their kids wanted to go with their dad.
My wife doesn't want to be away from her kids for long periods of time and she has told me she's moving. She feels like she needs to be near her kids. I support this. But I won't move my kids away from family, friends and stability to do this. My kids don't want to move either.
They heard my wife mention it several weeks ago and they told me they don't want to leave. They'd miss everyone too much. I already know the life my kids have here is what they need and where they thrive. I explained this to my wife and she was defeated.
She told me we can't make a marriage work if I'm here and she's there and I said I agree and I told her I believe the best way forward would be to divorce. She was upset by this, of course, and we talked and I comforted her and she asked me if there was anything she could say or do to make me reconsider.
I told her I won't move my children and I would never ask her to be apart from her kids for months at a time. I said we're both committed to the best interest of our individual children and that means doing what's right for them even if it's not right for us as a couple.
She asked for us to talk it out some more and we have. We've talked about it extensively but all the while she has been making arrangements for a place where her ex and kids now live and a new job.
I think she believed I would change my mind the more we discussed everything but I have not and now she's angry that I would rather our marriage end than move so we can all be together as a family. But I know this is not what's best for my kids. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. You’re putting your kids’ stability first, and that’s exactly what a parent should do. It sucks for your marriage, but forcing them to move away from their entire support system would be unfair. Your wife is doing what she feels she has to for her kids, and you’re doing the same for yours. It’s heartbreaking, but sometimes love isn’t enough when kids are involved.
NTA As a parent you need to do what’s best for your kids. It’s sad that your marriage will have to end but it’s unfair to uproot your kids. Even more so since her kids choose to live with their dad and are older teens who will become more and more independent in the coming years.
Your children are so lucky to have such an amazing father.
Natizzio (OP)
Thank you. I truly want to be the best dad I can be to them. They already lost their mom and I don't want them to feel like they had a dad who didn't put them first.
NTA - you’re putting your children first, as you should. Why is she getting angry at you? Whilst she did the right thing by putting her children first, she’s the one that broke the family dynamic.
She’s the one who had already put the wheels in motion to move. She just thought you’d follow after her and is angry because you didn’t bow to her demands. That’s not thinking as a family.
This isn't your fault, you tried to help, you showed care for both your sister and your BIL, making the right choice and advocating for him and your nephews after learning more. I saw your comments, you were going to tell him. You tried to help and you backed the right family members. You did not ruin your sister's relationship with your mom.
SHE cheated, SHE distanced herself and punished her family, SHE herself before everyone else. Her actions and the consequences of them are solely her own fault, why, because these are actions, decisions, and betrayal she chose over and over again, lashing out whenever questioned, that was her choice too.
I bet right now she's not upset she was found out, instead I'd guess she's complaining about having to move out, not getting her Europe trip, the 40k horse, and blaming her husband and kids for it.
You are only in control of your own actions, if you want to help, be there for your BIL, he's family, he's the father of your nephews and been in your life for most of it, so be there for him, be there for your nephews, be there for your mom. You're all grieving the loss of the person you thought your sister was, you've all been betrayed in some way, so find comfort in your village and heal together.
NTA - you’re putting your children first, as you should. Why is she getting angry at you? Whilst she did the right thing by putting her children first, she’s the one that broke the family dynamic.
She’s the one who had already put the wheels in motion to move. She just thought you’d follow after her and is angry because you didn’t bow to her demands. That’s not thinking as a family.
Natizzio (OP)
I think she's angry that I'm sticking to what we both always said when we started our relationship. Just like she's putting her kids first, I'm doing the same and I think the reality of that is frustrating her when I in theory have more flexibility than she does. But what matters most to me is would it be good for my kids and the answer is no, this move would not be good for them.
NTA. You’re a good dad. And don’t think for a moment that you’re a bad husband - because you’re not! The fact that she continued to make arrangements to move her job and home while pretending that she was trying to find a compromise with you, speaks volumes.
It’s truly sad that your marriage is ending, but while your children are so young, your first and greatest responsibility is to protect their welfare. And you are doing that.