'AITA for wishing my daughter would just pass away already?'
"AITA for wishing my daughter would just pass away already?"
Trigger Warning: Talk of cancer and death.
My oldest daughter who is 17 has been fighting cancer for 11 years now. She has fought really strong and bravely. She has beaten it 4 times already but every single time it just comes back stronger and way more aggressive.
Last time she beat it was two years ago and we actually thought it was finally done but back in June it came back way more aggressive and stronger than ever and right now she’s in stage 4 and honestly it doesn’t look good at all.
She just looks tired and defeated and she’s in pain all the damn time. It absolutely destroys me seeing her like that in pain without being able to do literally anything about it.
It has also destroyed us financially with all her medical bills, and so my three younger kids had to suffer and go without a lot of things and sometimes we even had to go days without food and I had to ask my siblings and parents for food and money which always made me feel like a goddamn pathetic loser.
Me and my wife are also always just busy with our daughter so we can’t even emotionally be there for our other kids as much as they deserve. They love their sister and never openly complained about our situation but I could feel all of them hold some resentment against me and my wife and I hate that because we love them all so much.
I hate myself to death for even thinking that but it’s just how I feel. If my daughter dies she’d finally be at peace and not suffering and in pain anymore and we could focus more on our other kids.
If I could give up my life so she gets to live a normal and healthy and long happy life I’d do it in a heartbeat without a second thought. I love her to death and the thought of losing her and possibly having to bury her completely destroys me.
Sorry I just had to vent this out. I’m in the hospital again with my daughter and I spent the night alone with her and she cried for hours in pain during the night. The doctors and nurses couldn’t do anything to help her. It breaks me man. Does that make me the worst father in the world?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Not even close. You don’t want your daughter gone, you want her pain to stop. That’s grief, exhaustion, and love colliding. It doesn’t make you a bad father. It makes you human in an impossible situation. Please get support for you too. You shouldn’t be carrying this alone.
Western_Library318 (OP)
Of course I don’t want her gone, if I could I’d take her cancer on myself if it meant she got a long healthy life in a heartbeat.
NTA - look cancer is a beast, and it destroys lives. You’re all traumatized.
However - maybe don’t verbalise these thoughts out loud to anyone except a therapist.
You don’t wish she was dead, you wish it was over.
Talk to your daughter, she may not want to continue treatment. Find out what your options are for palliative or hospice care. You’re tired and grieving even though she’s not even gone yet. I watched my mom struggle for almost three years before she was ready to let go. I’m 3 years into my own cancer struggle and believe me, most of the time I’m fighting for others sake not my own.
No, it makes you human - one who is struggling with an awful situation. Have some compassion for yourself. Anyone in your position would have some dark thoughts, but you clearly love your children and have given everything to help your daughter regain her health. That makes you a good father in my book - a better one than many children have.
I wish you, your daughter and the rest of your family the best of luck. As for you, I hope there’s someone you can speak to. Having a chat with a friend, counsellor or religious leader like a priest/rabbi/whatever might help.
No. And anyone who says yes has never been a caretaker or dealt with a terminal illness. It's good to get your feelings out and hopefully you have a counselor or trusted person you can talk more with. Keep fighting the fight. You are a brave man trying your best dealing with a terribly difficult situation. Very few ever experience this level of grief and uncertainty.
NTA. As guilty as you must feel for thinking such things, I think any normal person who has been in the position you are for the last 11 years would feel the same. Condemn those thoughts. Cast them out as unhealthy and a path to sadness. Keep working, thriving, and hoping for the best outcome. But do not feel guilty about having them. You are, after all, human.
The people here trying to shame you, brutally, have never been in your shoes. Nobody is an AH for having FEELINGS, however dark. Some people just like kicking strangers when they're down.
I've been where you are, with a family member, and wishing the person's pain would end, soon, was very much on my mind. That meant their death, because they were only getting weaker despite aggressive treatment.
Watching someone you love suffer, over years, is brutal, and the focus it takes to show up for them, over time, can throw your entire life out of balance. NTA, and take care of yourself.
Don't listen to the people who say YTA...it's easy for them to speak, as they are not in your situation. It's always easy to judge. You are at your breaking point, and running on fumes. Keep doing your best with what you have, keep being a dad, cancer is a beast, like another commenter said. Good luck and keep us posted.