'AITA for withdrawing our entire bank balance because my husband says his paycheck is 'his'?'
"AITAH for withdrawing our entire bank balance because my husband says his paycheck is 'his' and mine is for bills?"
My husband (24M) and I (23F) have been married for two years. We both work and our paychecks go into the same joint checking account, but money has honestly been a weird issue between us since we got married.
When we first got married, he would not let me have access to our savings account at all. I had to beg and cry before he finally added me to it. Even after that, he told me not to spend a single cent from it. Right now the savings account has around $18,000 in it.
Every week he automatically moves money around. He puts $100 into savings, $100 toward his credit card, $100 into an Edward Jones investment account, and $100 into his 401k. Because of all that, he only actually brings home about $300 per week in spendable income.
The way he views our finances is that his paycheck hits the bank on Thursday and mine hits on Friday. In his mind the Thursday money is “his” to do whatever he wants with, and then my paycheck that comes in Friday is what we use to pay bills and cover living expenses.
The problem with that system is that when emergencies happen, the money almost always ends up coming from what I’ve saved or from the portion of money that would otherwise be mine.
For example, over the past year I saved about $4,000 from side work and extra income. I was really proud of that because it took a lot of effort. I wanted to use that money to take my parents on an anniversary trip and I had already told them about it and everyone was really excited.
But over time we had a bunch of emergencies and bills come up. Whenever something happened, the easiest money to pull from was the money I had saved. Slowly that $4,000 got chipped away until now there’s only about $900 left. Last night I found out that my husband has been saving money on the side for our upcoming Vegas trip and currently has about $2,600 saved.
When I found that out, I asked him if he would consider splitting that money with me since I haven’t really had the opportunity to save the same way. My savings kept getting used for emergencies and household expenses.
He told me that was my fault and that I should have saved better.
I tried explaining that I DID save. I had $4,000 saved but it ended up getting used for things that came up that we needed to pay for. I told him I feel like I’ve been drowning in bills while he has been able to save because his paycheck is treated like personal money.
During that conversation he also told me that the reason he is saving so aggressively is because he wants to have retirement savings and he doesn’t want to end up like me with no retirement.
I asked him what he meant by that because I thought the money he was putting into retirement accounts would eventually benefit both of us. He told me no, that it was his retirement and not mine. I was honestly really frustrated and hurt by that. So today when his paycheck hit our account, I withdrew the entire balance from our checking account which was about $1,800.
My reasoning was that I lost $4,000 covering emergencies and bills for both of us while he was able to save money separately. If he believes I should have saved better, then I figured I would start taking that money back until I rebuild what I originally had.
I also plan to continue doing this and withholding my own paychecks until I get back to the $4,000 I originally saved. Right now we have about $18,000 sitting in savings, so if he suddenly has to start pulling from savings to cover normal living expenses, he might understand what it felt like when my savings kept getting used.
He hasn’t noticed yet, but eventually he will. Part of me feels justified because the current system feels really unfair and one sided. But another part of me wonders if I crossed a line by withdrawing the money without telling him. So AITA?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Charming_Narwhal_970 said:
I couldn't stay married to him. This is the kind of situation where you wind up divorced one day with nothing. What would happen if you ever got laid off or needed to take some time off for childbirth and thus had no income?Not support you? Resent you? Plus, he's saving for retirement while using your money for expenses. I think they called this financial abuse.
Szeto802 said:
If everything you're saying is accurate, I would be talking to a divorce lawyer soon. Your husband has been putting money aside, and if that was with the understanding that any money he saved would be shared between the two of you when you retire, that would make sense.
But for him to require you to use your money for shared expenses, while he gets to save, and then making it clear to you that the money he saves is for him and him alone, should tell you where you stand with him. And a divorce lawyer will make it very clear, as you are likely entitled to half of everything your husband has put away during your marriage, assuming there is no pre-nup that states otherwise.
So he has a couple of choices - make the decision to split things equally with you himself, or have divorce court make that decision for him, without a second income to pay the bills.
ProfessorDistinct835 said:
NTA I guess? Feels like you should pull the $18,000 and ditch the husband, but that's just one Redditor's opinion based on not much.
And Jespresso31 said:
NTA. He is planning a safety net and gonna leave you out to dry. Not trying to tell you how to live your life based on one thing, but I’d be filing for divorce. If that he is viewing it as “HIS” retirement, it doesn’t seem like he plans on spending retirement with you. Dump the guy, take his money, since yall are married, you are entitled to most types of income earned while you are married (in most states).
Joice_Craglarg said:
INFO: why did it take until after marriage for y'all to talk about this?
Regardless of the answer, start saving for the divorce.
OP responded:
We have been together since high school. We were both in our careers and it just seemed like the next logical step. We have been together for a long time..