Woman accused of excluding older sister from family events; 'Your parentification trauma isn't my problem.'AITA?

When this woman feels bad about her sister's problems, she asks the internet:

"AITA for excluding my older sister for having parentification trauma?"

My (35F) younger siblings (34F, 31M, 31F, 30M) were practically raised by our oldest sister (40F). Neither of our parents were there for us, so she had to act like a mother to us despite being a child herself.

She never had time for studying, socialising, or hobbies, and both her grades and her mental health were greatly affected. She started working at age 13 and dropped out of school at 16 to work full time to support us.

Due to her childhood, she can’t handle being around children at all. They trigger her trauma, and she starts crying, panicking, and having anxiety attacks. We’ve all tried to be supportive of her.

The thing is, between the five of us, we have 16 children aged between 7 months and 12 years. We all live in the same town, and we try to spend time with our sister, but we have to look after our kids too. Anytime we invite her to family gatherings, she refuses to come if our kids are around.

The thing is, we can’t just leave our kids every time she wants to hang out and we can’t ban our own children from family events. She would complain every time we refused to have a child free event and say we need to include her more. Eventually, we stopped inviting her to events.

My sister was furious with us for excluding her. She called us ungrateful for sacrificing her childhood to raise us.

She accused us of abandoning her just like our parents did, and said it wasn’t fair for her to be ostracised from such a close knit family after all that she’d down for us. Of course I’m grateful for what she did, but I can’t ignore my own kids. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

earlypa writes:

I know it’s not easy but I think you should really try to organise childcare so you can spend more time with her without the kids. She was dealt a really shitty hand and what she did for you as kids was really selfless.

Now it is time to reciprocate if you really love her. I find it so disheartening that you guys abandon her now like this. Of course you didn’t ask her to raise you but she did because she loved you and cared for you. You really can’t make space for her in your life if it is a little inconvenient? YTA

noaccut writes:

NTA her partenrification it’s not yours or any siblings fault that trauma is on your parents. While can see why she prefers childfree events she needs to understand that’s not always easy with young kids. It’d be nice to continue extending the invitation.

gapou writes:

Is she in therapy? If not she should be. But also you guys owe her a lot & are being a little selfish here. Of course you can’t all leave your kids out of big family events but you could all carve out a little time for you to get together without them. I saw someone else suggest a regular sibling night, that’s a fantastic idea.

She gets to spend time with you guys & you parents all get a night out without the kids. Win win. For some special occasions would it kill you all to celebrate twice? Once with everybody and once with just adults?

It does not need to be anything expensive. I understand it can be tricky with so many kids between you but i do believe you guys should make the effort whenever possible.

You guys are not responsible for what your parents put her through. But their actions ruined her life. You guys all got to be kids, grow up and have your own families. She’s so traumatised she can’t. I feel so incredibly sorry for her.

ga09uyt writes:

I don't think anyone is the AH in this situation. I honestly believe that your sister needs intensive therapy. She clearly went through a lot of prolonged stress and trauma. Her current issues will only worsen over time. If she doesn't seek help. That is not fair to her, all of her siblings or her nieces and nephews. It's not fair to anyone.

I do think you and your siblings should try like once a month, maybe depending on schedules, to have a child free event so that you guys can spend time with her. Maybe once a month the siblings get together for a meal, just the adults?

I know that's difficult and expensive! But I think it's super important for y'all's relationship with her. After all, I think it's fair to say, that none of you would be where you are today if she hadn't given up with her own childhood.

rbs1 writes:

ESH, Everyone Sucks Here. She is holding all of you responsible for your parents' bad behavior, that's unfair. I assume here that she's tried therapy to resolve her feelings as much as possible, because avoiding children in life is pretty impossible.

However, you and your siblings should still be extending invitations, regardless of whether you know she will decline or complain. The ball needs to stay in her court to maintain these relationships.

And in the interim (or forever, if she can't get past this), you and your siblings should make time for her either in small groups or 1 on 1. Not every "date" in life has to include the kids.

prisinte235 writes:

More info needed to make a proper call, but everyone can perhaps meet in the middle more?

If sister is not seeking therapy, she needs to. She cannot isolate herself from all children all the time.

It's also odd to me that she is mad that she is invited to family events and -shocker- children, who are part of the family, are at said family event.

Does she expect you to not have kids around at Christmas or other holidays? Or just every so often go out to eat or have a meet up for coffee?

Are you guys trying to offer child-free or mostly child-free events? like kids under 10 are with a babysitter and tweens and teens are off in a different part of the house or spending time somewhere else?

Arranging childcare for 16 kids so that all five adults can have a child-free time is a challenge. Not impossible, but not something that can be done with frequency. Unless you guys are rolling in cash to pay for sitters or everyone's in-laws are local and capable of that level of childcare.

I feel like she perceives you guys are not putting in enough effort, which may or may not be true. But, she also has 16 nieces and nephews, and so long as nobody else has a kid and none of the kids marry and start having kids, it will be 18 years before there will not be at least one child in her presence at a family event.

I do not think it's reasonable to have all 5 siblings and 0 children at the same time. One or two of the siblings bow out to be child care and let the others have their time together.

Or attempt to meet while all the kids are in school or day care. Or just, acknowledge you have close to half a dozen children in your proximity, who are your flesh and blood, and you were not forced to raise, and it's impossible to never interact with them.

Also the whole should I or Should I not invite the person who never shows debate has no right answer: someone is going to be hurt in the end.

I have been on both sides of it. It is death by a thousand papercuts to be rejected time and time again, and it's hurtful to be singled out or feel like things are kept secret from you. There is no winning that argument unless both sides realize their actions affect others and accept things with grace.

seasprite writes:

YTA. You not wanting to meet up with her has nothing to do with the kids. You are using them as the excuse. If you find her company not enjoyable then tell her that. If you don't like her lifestyle, then tell her that.

But using children as the reason you can't find time to hang out is BS. Get the other parent to take on a few days a month. Be a better sibling or be honest that you just don't want to be around them.