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Woman accused of losing weight to 'outshine' SIL at upcoming wedding; 'Should I tell her the truth about my weight loss?' AITA? UPDATED

Woman accused of losing weight to 'outshine' SIL at upcoming wedding; 'Should I tell her the truth about my weight loss?' AITA? UPDATED


When this woman is afraid she's upset her future SIL, she asks the internet:

"My soon to be SIL thinks that I’m losing weight to outshine her in her upcoming wedding, I can’t tell her my real reason. AITA?"

It was just a bad timing. My brother (m33) and his fiancé (f29) set the date to their wedding this spring. They told us about it about a month ago. They found a venue and didn’t want to wait till 2023 as they planned.

At the same time I (34f) found out that I have diabetes 2 and the doctor told me that I needed to change my lifestyle and shed at least 30kg (around 60 pounds). I kept that a secret because my mother is a hypochondriac and would freak out if she knew I had this disease.

Living with her “dying” since she was 30 I also developed a resentment towards everyone who “complained” about health issues and I don’t want to start doing it now. I simply can’t deal with her right now and beside my dad and husband nobody knows about it.

It has already started showing that I’m losing weight (6kg down) and my SIL is now very worried that I am doing this for the wedding. I have always been a bit overweight and a big jojo dieter.

It’s been embarrassing always going on a diet and everyone cheering me to then fall back in my old habits and gain everything back and some more. This time I shut up about it. I’m doing it for totally different reason.

She seems to suspect that I’m keeping it a secret because of malice. The first act she took against me was to exclude me from the wedding party. Yesterday I met her at the gym and she said. You know that its my wedding do you? Very angrily.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t trust my secret with her and my brother yet I’m feeling like I’m ruining her experience. I just don’t feel ready to talk about my illness.

Edit: The bride is not overweight. She’s very fit. No one in both our or her family is overweight I am the only foodie.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

gravvv writes:

I mean why is your SIL so threatened by your weight-loss? Sounds to me she's insecure and self-centred. And coming up to you at the gym??

I remember using my Aunt's Wedding as a motivation to lose weight once because I was struggling with staying consistent at the gym. I was a Bridesmaid. All eyes were on the gorgeous bride. Lots of people use other people's weddings as a motivator. (I know that's not what your doing but just pointing out how irrational SIL is being).

Your SIL needs to get over herself ASAP. Don't you dare put your health at risk because she's insecure. You don't owe her an or anyone an explanation as to why your focusing on your health.

There's a recent interview with a singer called Adele who was a big girl and lost weight for health reasons. A lot of people felt "let down" by her weight-loss because she was their big girl icon. And Adele was very clear that she was sorry they felt that way but their feelings isn't her responsibility.

I hope you claim that energy. That you're sorry SIL feels threatened by you but her feelings on your body isn't your responsibility.

crammm writes:

Y'know what? I had something similar, and I ended up snapping and telling my best friend I was losing weight because I had an antibiotic resistant kidney infection and my body was slowly killing itself. I couldn't eat or sleep, standing was exhausting, and I legitimately thought I was going to die.

I dropped down to the 90 pound range because I couldn't keep food down, and she accused me of losing weight to try and steal her boyfriend (a guy I didn't even get along with due to how he treated the women in his life).

As soon as I snapped at her, I went on a giant rant about how I've been struggling medically and I didn't want to dump all that on her since she's clearly too busy to notice how actively ill I looked.

It was the most frustrating conversation to have, but I will never experience the level of satisfaction I felt that day when I watched her go from "b~y" to "downright mortified".

To be honest? I would tell her the truth, and then I would follow it up with "I wanted to keep this private due to my mother's unbearable reaction to medical news, but seeing how little you respect me, I doubt you will. At least now you know not everything is about you." Because I'm a petty cunt who doesn't know when to quit.

But seriously, if you can, I would sit down with her and have a heart to heart about your health issues and ask her to keep it a secret.

Tell her she's marrying your brother (someone I assume you're reasonably close with) and that it's important to you that she not resent you this early on.

She's going to see you a lot more over the years (at family events/etc) and you don't want her to be this petty over something that has nothing to do with her. If she still decides to make it about herself, then tell your brother the type of woman he's marrying, and ask him if that's someone he can live with.

Either that, or just tell her you wanted to get in shape so you fit into the dress you bought and that you can't afford to go to a seamstress or get a new dress.

eggsalty writes:

Honestly regardless of the reason, you should not be treated this way. If you want to lose weight then anyone who gives a damn should be supporting you. F SIL for acting this way, shes incredibly lame and self-centered.

As for what to do, assuming you stick to your guns and keep losing weight (because stopping for her will not be an option on the table), I think you have two choices.

You keep the secret and she probably ends up escalating the "punishment" at this rate and you're suddenly not invited to the wedding or something. Huge headache there tbh and very unknown repercussions. Maybe theres a small chance it doesn't escalate and cause a huge fight of some kind but thats a tough bet imo.

You shoot your shot with trusting your brother and SIL and risk a potential leak to your mother which would require you to deal with life a lot sooner than you want to. At this point we hope SIL is actually understanding, probably right?

I personally think you have to pick your poison OP, but no matter what, stick to losing the weight. You can do it OP.

liu786 writes:

You don't have to tell her that you have diabetes. Just tell her your doctor said you must lose x pounds as soon as possible due to serious health concerns. That he/she has put you on a strict diet and exercise program.

Tell her you hate talking about health issues due to your mother's years of complaining about her own health (FSIL has probably heard her do this by now), but you do not want FSIL to think it's you trying to divert attention from their wedding planning.

That is something your mother would do, not you. Ask her to please keep this between you two as you do not want any attention drawn away from her and your brother during this special time.

Ask FSIL to let you know what you can do "behind the scenes" to help them. Their wedding is the perfect thing for the families to focus on and divert attention from what is going on with you. Down the road, you may need to clue the family in for your safety. You and your doctor can decide on that. You want FSIL as an ally, not an enemy.

esmash65 writes:

I really wanna say something and I highly hope nobody in the comments gets angry with me . I’m not American. I’m from east Europe and when we read things like this we really just get a mix of feelings because stuff like this to us is just the most idiotic thing ever.

She excluded you from the party because you are loosing weight and you mentioned she is fit . Wooowwww.

And it’s not even the first time I read things of this nature where the bride got upset for things like sb was loosing weight,sb wore a nice dress to the wedding, sb had a nice jewelry, sb happened to be pregnant. Booohhhh why so insecure?!

If she came to weddings In my country she would die out of jealousy . The guests dress like it’s met gala or smth.

If sb looses weight for a wedding we praise them, in fact we “look down “ on people who go underdressed.and NOBODY takes the shine from her day .idk… one more time I don’t want to be offensive but looks like the American brides are really insecure.

To go as far as to exclude you from the party , you not even a stranger you are the sister of the groom .

And now, OP's update:

I didn’t expect to be updating so fast but things has gone south very fast. I have been disinvited to my brother’s wedding.

I want to thank everyone here. I have read all the comments and used the advice and told my family that the it was the doctor’s orders to lose weight because I’m pre diabetic and have been feeling pain in my back and knees and I’m simply too young for this shit. I didn’t make it about the wedding, I talked in general.

I made sure however that SIL was listening. She didn’t say anything. My sister encouraged me and complimented me on my weight loss so far. It was no problem at all asking them not to worry mom because they both didn’t want to deal with her lunacy.

Today I got a very weird text from stbSIL asking what I was planning to wear for the wedding. I told her I didn’t know. I haven’t thought about it. She then asked me if I could send her pics on the the outfit AND SHOES when I have decided for approval. ARE YOU SENDING THIS TO ALL THE GUESTS? She didn’t answer.

I called her to ask her wtf. She said she was worried I would choose something very revealing and inappropriate because I used to dress provocatively when I was “skinny”.

I told that I don’t lack common sense and that she should trust my judgment, if not they can kick me out of the party if I came in a provocative outfit. “So you won’t tell me what you’re gonna wear?” NO!

Later my brother sent me a text telling me if I don’t show SIL what I’m going to wear I shouldn’t bother to come to the wedding. FINE!

My husband is just laughing at my indignation right now. The whole thing is embarrassingly childish but I don’t feel like I need to be treated like the attention hoe that I KNOW I’m not. I’m just a guest.

If I was in the bridal party like it was originally planned I know it’s important for her but I have NEVER heard of a bride demanding guests to get their outfits approved before attending. Ughhh!

What do YOU make of OP's story? Any advice for her?

Sources: Reddit
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