Woman accused of making 'passive-aggressive' speech at her friend's wedding. AITA?
When this woman makes a controversial toast at a wedding, she asks the internet:
'AITA for making a 'passive-agressive' toast at my friends wedding?'
I (26F) have this old friend (28M) that I would consider my best friend. He got married last week to a girl (25F) he had been dating for 3 years. They're an awful couple, broke up and got together a lot, super toxic.
They're the perfect combo to accentuate the worst parts of each other. Shes insecure, manipulative and doesnt take any responsability for her feelings, he doesnt give her reassurance, bottles up his feelings and then blows up at her.
His friend group was getting tired of the constant fights that ruined almost every outing we had. They broke up a few times, but she has mental health issues and would get really bad (she implied there was a risk to her health), and he can't establish boundaries with anyone, so they would keep talking and eventually he would take her back.
So it was a pretty big surprise when they announced they were engaged. Our friend group expressed our worries in a very gentle way, but he said he was sure. I insisted a bit more, but I didn't wanna push it too much cause I didn't want any of them to think I was doing it out of ill intentions. He said he was in love and thats what matters the most.
The wedding went as expected (they fought, but we got everything ready in time). I was one of the best men at the wedding (notes: I wasn't the only girl as best man, and we were best men and not best women cause the bride felt that was disrespectful), so I gave a speech after dinner.
During my speech, I talked about love and relationships. Here's the speech in a nutshell. My main points were that love makes us want to be the better version of ourselves for our partner, that love can be scary, cause we care for the other as if it was an extension of us, and that the best part of love is that its quiet: it's not always easy, but it provides a place of rest from the problems of the world, since the world can't be reasoned with...
but in our quabbles with someone we love, we both strive towards understandment, and so love provides rest. The bride sent me a text after the wedding saying I was passive agressive and ruined the wedding and I had to be the center of attention and accusing me of being jealous of her.
In my defense, I never indicated in any way shape or form that I didn't believe that they didn't fit in that definition of love, and no one in that wedding except the 9/10 people that know how their relationship is really like picked up on it. I think that if the shoe fits, wear it.
I think I might be the asshole cause even though when I started writing the speech, I was genuinely just thinking about what love is, when I decided to read it at the wedding, I knew what I was doing, and I knew that it might upset them (I say might cause sometimes the bride seems to genuinely believe there is nothing wrong with their relationship). AITA?
Let's find out.
endiv writes:
NTA .You did nothing wrong. Any guest at the wedding (who did not know the couple) would think this was a lovely generic speech. You said what love is really about. You didn't make snarky comments or gave anyone weird looks. If the bride was so pissed at your genuine thoughts about love and how a relationship works, it's because she knows her 'marriage' is just a sh** show. I don't see a truly healthy and supportive couple being angry at you for your speech.
smelu writes:
YTA - you knew you were being passive aggressive and admit it in the post. You're the best man at the wedding and you're taking shots at the couple during your speech? That's obvious AH move. The speeches are supposed to be about the couple and a way for you to wish them well and help make the wedding a beautiful occasion, and you took the opportunity to take swipes at the couple. Low class.
arig writes:
YTA. You want the best for her, but there is a time and place. And it isn't at a wedding reception with a lot of people. But then again, if that was the case, why do it at a WEDDING toast? It doesn't do anything but embarrass the couple. You knew it would upset her and you went and did it anyway. You didn't consider her feelings.
You should've done this in private, which would be more appropriate. Or better, just mind your business at worst. What would've stopped you from doing so? That's also another reason which makes you an asshole. Nobody has to know about their business or shouldn't have to. It's their life they'll mess up. Worry about yourself.
Sure it was passive aggressive and not outwardly said but by your admission, it was a good amount of people who noticed. Not just the newlyweds. If you really hate them together this much, then don't go to their wedding. Simple. You caused unnecessary drama and that would've been a much better way to express your disapproval.