Woman acts exactly like boyfriend's ex-stepsister to prove a point; BF retaliates, 'You're a MANIPULATOR.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman acts like her boyfriend's stepsister to help him understand something, she asks the internet:

"AITA for acting like my boyfriend’s stepsister to prove a point?"

My (27f) bf (26m) “Matt” and I have been together nearly four years, and moved in together earlier this year.

His stepsister “Clara” is currently staying with us for a few weeks on and off and that’s where the problem arises. Clara has always been a “princess” type. That’s her thing, whatever. But it’s always annoyed me how Matt reacts to it.

He goes along with it completely, he is her doormat from the second she arrives until the second she leaves. I always figured that’s his choice and his business so I never said anything about it but since she’s been staying it’s really been bothering me.

He carries her things like a pack mule, runs around every morning trying to get her the breakfast she wants, makes reservations at restaurants he hates just because she likes it, and gives her free use of his credit cards to buy whatever she wants. There’s other things but these are the type of things.

I feel so awkward when he’s fawning over her like that. I’ve spoken to him about how he acts around her and his excuse is always “what am I supposed to do, that’s how she is”.

I asked him if he doesn’t find it inconsiderate and annoying and he said no. I don’t believe him. I don’t believe he could not notice that the way she acts is inconsiderate.

So I tried an experiment. I started acting like her. Last week, the last day she was here, I said I wanted fresh fruit for breakfast. When Matt didn’t say anything, I asked if he’d go get some, which he did. When we went out for lunch I didn’t even offer to pay.

When we went to run errands after lunch I made him drive 30 minutes to the next town over to go to a particular shopping centre, and I took longer than usual choosing products.

I also made him drive home. I could see he was a bit annoyed by me but he didn’t say anything. Later, I suggested we order take out instead of cooking and when he said ok I asked to order on his app.

Clara got home after we ate and Matt spent most of the evening playing video games with her because he was clearly upset with me by this time. After she went to bed, Matt confronted me, asking if I was ok because I had been acting odd all day.

He said I’d been treating him like he works for me which he didn’t appreciate, but if I was stressed or upset we should talk through it. I told him that I had spent one day treating him exactly how his sister does, and he hated it, so he can’t say he doesn’t notice how she is.

Matt got mad and said that was an insane thing to do, and he noticed because that’s not my personality. He called me childish and said I’d wasted a day for nothing.

It’s been a few days and things have been awkward. Matt has been spending evenings gaming or with friends and has been cold to me.

I don’t think I did anything that bad but my girlfriends say testing him like that was stupid when Matt treating Clara like a baby really doesn’t affect me so I should just ignore it. Now I feel bad. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

acaffeact writes:

NTA and I think you're underreacting, honestly.

She is his age. Their parents dated for 5 years and broke up so she's basically just an ex-"step"sister. To me, it sounds more of an old family friend dynamic than a sibling dynamic. This reads like the two of you are in denial.

Your boyfriend WANTS his "step"sister. Like, I promise you this. His behavior is the whipped "I have a huge crush on a girl I haven't slept with yet and I don't know if I ever will be able to but god do I want to".

I've seen this play out in close friendships SO MANY TIMES. Only time I've ever seen a man act like this. And I know so many men who have little sisters that they spoil. None act even close to this.

I used to have a friend who had a relationship like you are describing, but with his BIOLOGICAL cousin. Everyone thought it was a little strange but was like, "they're cousins, it has to be innocent".

He even had a few different girlfriends over the years but would still treat the cousin extra special. Anyway- some of his friends took his phone to look something up and he had a bunch of cousin porn in his browser history.

faeagh writes:

So some of these comments are insane. ESH, you more so. Your friends are right - realistically, how does it impact you that your boyfriend does these favors for his sister?

Is she rude to you, does he gang up on you with her, do you feel neglected, is any of that going on? If so, have an adult conversation about it. If not, why does this bother you so much?

Etiquette on this varies from household to household. My family was always big on spoiling guests. When I stay with my older siblings, they spoil me. When they stay with me, I spoil them.

And sure, with the frequency she’s staying over, she’s not really a normal guest. But maybe he’s still feeling some obligation due to that.

Having house guests is stressful, and it sounds like he is going out of his way a bit to accommodate her. Your response doesn’t feel very mature or emotionally intelligent.

I know Reddit loves a petty revenge story, but I wish they would encourage healthy communication every once in a blue moon instead of egging on crap like this.

ETA: I saw your comment where you admit this has 0 impact on you. So why does it bother you so much? It’s not affecting you, so who cares if he wants to spend his own time and money accommodating his stepsister, who is a guest in his home.

fal0 writes:

I'm going against everyone else and say YTA. Playing mind games like that is insane. Manipulative. Toxic. In no way any better than the stepsister. Instead of communicating properly you acted petty.

Even after that he reached out to you to see how you are feeling. And still you don't apologise. Your jealousy, pettyness, selfishness and inability to communicate will ruin the relationship and not the fact that he goes out of his way for his stepsister. This guy needs other women in his life. He has really bad taste.

cascadia writes:

NTA. I was torn on your behavior and while it was a weird and somewhat manipulative way to handle the situation, I don’t see anything that makes you an asshole about it. You weren’t rude to him, you didn’t mistreat him.

And you had tried talking with him about something that was bothering you but that he hadn’t taken seriously. So your actions don’t make you an asshole here.

The way he treats his stepsister does not make him an asshole either. Giving her his credit card to freely spend on herself does give me pause and suggests you don’t want to merge your finances with him as long as he is doing that.

He is probably right when he says he doesn’t see how her actions are inconsiderate. They’ve probably developed this dynamic over many years, to the point where it’s a habit for him. I’d be curious as to why he does this.

Maybe something happened to her or them in their past that leads him to want to give her anything she asks for, perhaps he feels the need to provide support that parents never did. You should try getting at the bottom of that.

But he is an asshole for dismissing your concerns about this whole issue. You live together, you’re in a serious committed relationship. He needs to take your concerns seriously and you shouldn’t have to act like her to get your point across to him.

waytim writes:

ESH. You seem jealous of your BF's stepsister, and you aren't communicating that you resent her intrusion in your home properly.

Your BF is overstepping by bringing his sister into your home for extended stays and treating her better than you at your expense (allowing her to monopolize his time/space/attention) and minimizing your feelings when you DO try to communicate your discomfort.

Your BF's stepsister is a spoiled asshole who clearly enjoys the inconvenience and discord she is creating.

If you plan to remain in this situationship, you need to let your BF know he needs to dial back her visits to your shared home, and he needs to do that. If you don't, just get your shit together and get back into single life.

And now, OP's 1st update:

Technically she’s his ex-stepsister. His dad dated her mom for a few years, but he became like a dad to Clara, so even after they split he treated her like a daughter. Matt and Clara both still refer to each other as stepsiblings. She’s 26, same age as him.

Their parents started dating when they were 12 and broke up after 5 years. But Matt’s dad is like a dad to her so they still were around each other a lot.

They call each other stepsiblings, his half brothers call her their sister. I say stepsister because that’s what he says. Even his best friend calls her “little sis”.

Idk I feel like jumping to it being se%ual is a cheap shot. I wouldn’t even know how to bring that up to him because it’s gross if I’m wrong.

Update 2:

I won’t even joke, the amount of money she spent in the one shopping trip she went on was eye watering.

But we do have separate finances and we would even if we married. I wasn’t raised to join finances like that. He pay bills proportionate to our incomes and that works fine for us. Matt makes A LOT more money than I do so he (and I guess Clara) can spend what they want.

But she has a lot of money on her own so I don’t know why either of them expect that he just picks up the tab all the time. Again, I just wasn’t raised that way, and Matt has never been the kind of person that gave off the impression he was raised that way…until I met her