Woman admits; 'I DON'T treat my autistic brother as family.' AITA?
"AITA for not treating my autistic brother as family?"
Hello! I am writing this post because I am unsure what to do, and I'm in a situation with alot of hate. I am 18 (f) and the middle child. My younger sister is 16 (f), and my older brother is 21 (M). He has high-functioning autism.
Ever since I was little, he has treated us very badly and caused me extreme stress. At 12 years old, he would rip up my dresses and pour buckets of water on my bed (telling people I’d wet it). He would constantly destroy my things and tell me things he knew I was scared of.
My sister was around 7 years old when my brother poured sand into her ear when she was sleeping. It could have severely damaged her ear, and my mom and I struggled to get it out. He acts completely normal with outsiders and treats them with “kindness,” so these actions mainly targeted my sister and especially me.
I have always had a terrible relationship with him and can not imagine us ever liking each other. My mom has sent me to tons of programs with him about autism for me to “learn about how to support him.”
My mom has repeatedly told me that he would become better in the future, and this hope that she had given me was a sad expectation. He has begun to get increasingly worse as we have gotten older.
My older brother had started to manipulate people constantly and has become extremely entitled. When I was 14, we had a big argument while my parents were out. When they returned, he told them I had been watching him in the showers. I was shocked and angry, and so were my parents.
I’m assuming he got this idea after scrolling online and my parents were upset but not much happened. After that day, I felt as though I could never forgive him. However, my parents still told me that he would change one day, and I continued to have that hope. Today, he has a victim complex, and thinks that everyone traumatized him.
He says my parents are abusing him by asking him to do simple chores and he often does nothing all day. He may apologize for some specific things but then will immediately repeat them. My parents argue with him every day, and I constantly have to hear his yelling and fake crying.
Unlike in the past, when I was young, I fought back and knew how to argue. I can't forgive him when he can't even acknowledge his wrongdoings. I can't forgive him when he just repeats everything over and over again.
He has no respect for me at all. His autism is often brought up as a reason why he is like this, and even though I’m severely chronically ill, his responsibilities are often placed on me.
We don't even talk outside of arguing; I feel disgusted when I hear his name now. I feel stressed when thinking about him and uncomfortable when he is around. It becomes even worse due to his extreme lack of hygiene issues (which has gotten worse as he’s gotten older).
My mom tells me that i should blame her and not my brother since shes the one who failed to manage him. AITA for ignoring him and not treating him as family?
Let's see what readers thought:
sedretsatrh writes:
NTA - Being born into a family with an abusive sibling, whether that sibling is on the spectrum or has some kind of disorder or not, is not something you chose. Parents should protect the vulnerable kids from the destructive ones, so your mom is right in saying that this is her fault...
but it's wrong for her to take all the blame, when clearly this boy CAN handle himself well. You said he treats strangers with courtesy and isn't abusive towards them. So he treats you and your sister like shit because it's safe for him to do so, and there were never consequences. Sorry you're stuck in this situation.
crownjewle writes:
YTA he is your brother & you are the glass child, your parents are abelist when he weponizes his DX. Put your foot down with him & your parents.
With that said as soon as you are able go low contact & tell your parents THEY NEED TO PARENT HIM. When I moved back home I told my brother (also high functioning) that I had raised my kids & I wasn't going to raise him because I knew what he was capable of.
Neighbor told me that dad told them I had done more in 3 months with him than they had done in 30 years. I think they got tired of the fighting him to do anything.
zetty writes:
NTA. Blood doesn't necessarily make you family.