Woman admits; 'My husband's eating disorder has ruined my joy of cooking.' UPDATED

"Making soup from scratch for my husband has taken away my joy of cooking."

For context, my husband is self described recovered from ARFID. He is still an extremely fussy eater but nowhere where he used to be. We also have an infant together.

As it’s getting colder I’m making more roasts on Sundays, and on the Mondays I use the carcass to make chicken stock. I save my veggie scraps in the freezer and chuck them in too, and then use this and whatever leftovers I have in the fridge to make a soup. It’s a really laborious process with a needy baby but I love cooking and find a lot of joy in it and my husband always liked it so it was great all round.

Tonight I used a bag of carrots and a few cloves of garlic for the soup. I served it with homemade scones. Again, made while I’m looking after out baby myself. Husband has a taste and says he likes it and that it tastes like another dish I make on occasion. I was talking to him about making it and that I felt I might have been a little over the top with the garlic but that it’s still great.

He instantly stopped eating the soup and said he didn’t like it, but that I should keep on making soup. WHAT? The soup you were eating 2 minutes ago before you knew garlic was in it is now inedible??

And I should just spend another 8+ hours cooking another meal while looking after our baby while he’s at work just for him to turn down, like my time means nothing? I was so upset that after dinner I just tipped the rest of the soup down the drain and avoided him, I couldn’t face the argument after a long day.

I’ve always been understanding of his aversion to food, but he eats garlic on the regular, it’s in so much of my cooking and we don’t have an issue. He has decided he doesn’t like it but doesn’t complain about the taste when he isn’t aware it’s one of the ingredients. It’s infuriating.

I am honestly out of patience for it. I’ve made accommodations for his eating for so long, I spent my entire day with a fussy baby making it with love and care and it wasn’t appreciated at all. I genuinely never want to cook for him again.

Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top comments:

frwoner writes:

I agree. I've been married almost 25 years, and my husband is an extremely picky eater. I'm talking meat, potatoes, corn, cheese and white bread are the staples of his diet. Won't eat most seasonings, no vegetables at all but he's fine with most fruits. Oddly, he likes beets, which i find disgusting.

Our son is 23, still lives at home, and eats more veggies and spices than even I do. I always keep frozen pizza, frozen chicken nuggets, frozen fries and some leftovers on hand for days my husband decides he doesn't like what I made or times our son and I want something hubby won't eat.

I usually don't cook his frozen stuff either. If he decides he doesn't want what I made, he's perfectly capable of making something out of the freezer.

vacnateye writes:

I suspect that my SO has ARFID as he has had problems with his eating since childhood but he is always grateful for any meal I cook for us.

There are times when even safe meals trigger his eating issues, but even then he thanks me profusely for taking care of him, then he will make himself some toast or cereal and put the leftovers in the fridge to try again tomorrow.

If he still can't eat the meal then I will eat it for my dinner or freeze it so it doesn't go to waste. For your benefit, I would try to reframe it in your mind a little. Try and say to yourself "well more delicious soup for me then" rather than getting hung up on the disappointment of the situation.

Your frustration is absolutely valid, I felt the same way for a time. He needs to try and find nutritious safe foods that he can fall back on when he can't eat anything else but he needs to be the one to do it, not you. It's probably worth meal prepping some safe meals (either together or just him) and keep them in the freezer.

Also eating his safe foods with him is a great way to bond and explore his food options cos you can add extra things to yours that you like but he might usually avoid or hasn't tried before and he may be tempted to try some of yours.

These have personally helped my SO and I find a better way to live and deal with his ARFID and has taken a lot of the pressure off of me.

rawgrape writes:

I just want to drop in and say that I have found that a meal is received 100% better if your neurodivergent partner isn't told what is wrong with it before or while eating it. You mentioned it having too much garlic, and I'm sure that was all he could taste after that. It goes over much better if you save those comments for after the meal and then get their take on it.

I also have the same problem on both ends, and had to learn the hard way. I'm sorry! I have learned that we can't take these things personally or it's really discouraging. We have to remember that it's just how their brain is going to work.

They aren't trying to be picky and they aren't meaning it personally. Stay strong, mama! You are doing great!! It isn't easy when the baby is going through their needy stages on top of everything, but the time will pass. I promise.

foundddd writes:

I used to be a chef so I also love cooking and I'm half Greek so I was raised on copious amounts of garlic! Garlic is good, garlic is love, garlic is life.

That being said. I can't stand adults who act like babies with their food, ARFID or not. Adults take their medicine even if we don't like it - he can fight his aversion and eat his food like a big boy. Or just live off of white bread and get scurvy, heck if I'd care. So you've had the patience of an angel!

If he's not in some kind of therapy in regards to his ARFID, he should be. Getting a diagnosis is just the first step, after that you need to put in the work to ease the symptoms.

That being said, it sucks when your love and enthusiasm for something goes unappreciated. My fiance care so little about holidays that he managed to snuff out my love for Christmas. I call him the Grinch.

Constantly putting in all that work into decorating, gift giving and food and be met with indifference really gnawed at me. At least be happy that it's making me happy, you know? But at least he manages to fake it now that we have a daughter, lol!

And don't throw out food in the future! It's such a waste. Your love and effort went into that meal. Pack it up and bring it to someone who'll enjoy it! I always bake more than my family can scarf down - so now everybody around us gets a taste. Colleagues? Yup? Family and friends? Yup.

If we had homeless people in the streets I'd probably be out there supplying them with bags of caramel corn, slices of pound cake and as much chocolate chip cookies as they could carry. They'd probably prefer something else, but my fiance is a big food lover so there's rarely anything more nutritious than baked goods to give away.

And I'm impressed that you make your own broth - I rarely bother at home (unless we're making things like ramen). It's not extremely labour intensive, but it takes foresight and it does take some time. Just don't let this kill your joy, start sharing it with others instead!

feaarrret writes:

STOP telling him what you put in your cooking!! You should know by now NEVER to tell someone with ARFID what you put in food they're actually eating and enjoying!

As you've found out, they'll stop eating something they loved 2 seconds ago because something they don't normally like, and can't taste, was in it.

If he asks what's in something he's happily eating, ONLY list the safe foods. I'm not trying to be mean, but seriously, how do you not know these rules yet lol?

And now, OP's update:

UPDATE: I have just woken up and damn I did not expect so much responses and advice. Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on my little post.

I am absolutely kicking myself for tipping it down the drain. I was so upset and felt I’d wasted my entire day. It’s so cold here so I know I’ll be even more annoyed with myself come lunch time, trust me!!

Also Reddit has done what Reddit does best and absolutely vilified my husband. ARFID stands for Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.

It’s a recognized eating disorder He really has come leaps and bounds, when we first met he wouldn’t have eaten soup in any shape or form, I am proud of him and how far he has come. Doesn’t change the fact that it can be taxing on a total foodie to love someone with ARFID.

They do say opposites attract and boy they weren’t joking! Also people have assumed my husband doesn’t help around the house, to which I say LOL you are really jumping to conclusions.

My husband and I talked and, while I still don’t think he fully grasped the amount of effort that went into it, he was really apologetic about his response. He also said that if he didn’t know garlic was in it he might have eaten more. I knew I fd up as soon as I mentioned the garlic in there, it totally slipped out. Lack of sleep with a teething baby does things to people, both me and my husband included.

Rest assured I’ll continue cooking from now on, you have all cheered me up. Next week I’ll make my most favourite soup, French onion! I’ll also leave out everything for him to make his own sandwich if he can’t appreciate how amazing that stuff is!