Woman desperately seeks advice about her blended family; 'I have no clue how to parent.' UPDATED

"I desperately need advice for my daughter."

Coming here because I really need advice. [When my daughter was two months old, my boyfriend, who was her father, passed away]. When my daughter was almost 3, I married my current husband. We have 2 sons and a daughter together.

My daughter calls my husband dad and he has always treated her like she was one of his own. He always tells me that he fell in love with her first. The kids have been raised as “full” siblings.

my kids are now Maria (16f), John (13m), Scott ( 12m) and Nina (10f). Maria and John got into an argument and it escalated. John ended up telling her that she wasn’t really a part of the family, because my husband wasn’t her dad and that they aren’t real siblings.

He also talked about how she had a different last name. He also said that my husband loves her less.

My husband and I are furious with him and don’t know how punish him. We’ve repeatedly told her that it wasn’t true, and my husband has tried to spend one and one time with her.

She’s been in tears and is shutting down and is not really speaking to any of us.

When she cried last night, she told us that she googled if stepparents could love their step kids as much as their bio kids and told us that all the stepparents said no and acted like the kids were a burden.

Please help me help her convince her that none of this is true in our family and that she is my husbands daughter who he loves unconditionally. My husband is also at a loss. Any advice on how to deal with my son will also be appreciated. Thank you.

Let's see what readers thought:

voucher writes:

If it helps, my stepdad has been more of a dad to me than my bio father ever was, and my stepdad (whom I call dad) loves me and has always made it clear that I'm his daughter no matter what, even if we don't share DNA.

I grew up feeling like a bit of an outcast because I don't really have any biological connection to my dad's side of the family (though no one ever made me feel that way) but as an adult now I feel more connected to them than ever.

Maybe it will help to share stories like mine and others in this thread with your daughter, to show her that it's not true that step parents don't love their step children.

As for your son, I wouldn't say punishment is the answer here honestly cause that's just going to make him resent her even more.

Instead I would sit down with him alone first and explain that this is a family and you don't always have to get along but it's not okay to make anyone feel unwanted.

Then I would ask that both kids sit down together and talk about what happened (with parent mediation, of course) calmly and without fighting. It's not always easy or comfortable to have those conversations but everyone will be better for it.

lightcrwoe writes:

Your daughter has learned a valuable lesson that searching for things on the internet tends to give you a very one-sided bias. She can read horror stories all day long. It doesn’t make it the rule that step-parents feel burdened.

At all. In fact, she’ll find similar horror stories about birth-parents feeling their children are burdens and being terrible unloving parents. She needs to focus on what is HER reality.

This was incredibly hurtful from her brother, and has opened the doors of doubt and being “different.” Those very well may be things she needs to work through with a therapist, and at home focus on the facts. She is loved.

No matter what, she is your family. Her step-dad’s family. Her siblings family. As for your son, he hurt more than just his sister. His words insulted you and your husband too.

He needs to learn the lesson that words can’t always be forgotten. Being hurtful on purpose has long-lasting effects. I’ve always loved the toothpaste challenge. It’s slightly cheesy, but having him squeeze all the toothpaste out of a tube, then being challenged to put it ALL back again is a great analogy.

Once you release such vitriol, it’s very nearly impossible to correct your error. “But that’s how I feel!” is a very common retort. That’s a conversation he needs to have with you and dad.

Does your daughter have a separate family he feels left out of? Does he misinterpret the things she gets as the oldest, as given to her for other reasons instead?

Even if there are somewhat valid (in his mind) reasons, it should be addressed that being mad about something can be okay.

Being HURTFUL about something is appalling. And he hurt many people with his words. He also hurt himself, because none of you can unhear it. The onus is now on him to prove through actions that he’s worthy of being forgiven.

Update:

Thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. Last night, my daughter was in tears again, so both her dad and I went to snuggle with her. He told her that he loved her very much and that she was his child, and that he wished he got to meet her sooner.

He said he has never viewed her any different than the younger three kids. He told her that she was one the best things that ever happened to him, and that he was so proud to be her dad. He asked to adopt her and told her that no matter her response, his feelings to her would never change. She is feeling better.

She said yes to the adoption! She is still deciding if she wants to keep her current last name as a second middle name or hyphenate. My husband is overjoyed that it is finally official!

He is taking her out to dinner tomorrow to celebrate, and the rest of us will be prepping for a surprise party for the family!

As for my son, we told him that we are deeply offended by what he said, and that he should feel lucky to have such a good big sister. he said that he didn't mean it, and was mad that she is the favorite because she gets to do more stuff.

We told him that we have no favorites and that when he is older, he would have more freedom too. Maria and John hugged and made up too, and John said he was sorry and that she was the best big sister. Thank you everyone once again!