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Woman's affair partner's wife reaches out creepily; 'I have demands regarding your BABY.' AITA? UPDATED 5X

Woman's affair partner's wife reaches out creepily; 'I have demands regarding your BABY.' AITA? UPDATED 5X


When this woman is shocked to hear from her affair partner's wife, she asks the internet:

"I had a baby as a result of an affair and now his wife is reaching out to me. I'm so uncomfortable. AITA?"

I (F, 26) had an affair with a married man (M, 42) a few years ago. I had no clue he was married when we first met and hooked up. I obviously looked him up on social media and while he did have photos of his kids on there, there was absolutely no mention or photos of a wife at all.

I found out that he was married about a month after we first got together, but he told me it was just a marriage on paper and that they basically lived separate lives and agreed to remain married for practical purposes until the kids were older. They owned a business, which she really ran and he was just financially involved in.

I knew at the time that I probably shouldn’t believe him, but I convinced myself it was true. I was in my early 20s and so attracted to him and I guess almost infatuated with him.

He made me feel so good. I know now that I should have ended it immediately, but I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. I was addicted to all of the attention he gave me, the great se%, the places he’d take me. I felt special. I was so naive.

I got pregnant about a year into seeing him. I had always been so careful with preventing pregnancy, but during my relationship with him I took stupid risks. I was so high in lust with this guy, it’s embarrassing. The things he’d asked me to do…I’d say yes to almost anything, even when I knew it was a bad idea.

I was in love with him, or I thought I was. I hadn’t intentionally wanted to get pregnant. I would of course dream about being his wife and having a family but I knew that wouldn’t be a possibility while he had this arrangement with his actual wife.

I didn’t get pregnant on purpose with any intention of him leaving her for me, even if I wished that we could be a real, normal couple. I was surprised by how excited I was to be pregnant with his baby. I wanted that baby once I found out I was pregnant. The thought of carrying this baby of the man I loved was so special to me, but I knew he probably wouldn’t feel the same.

I told him I was pregnant and he told me I couldn’t keep the baby. I expected his reaction, but I was devastated and it hurt me to my core that he didn’t feel the same way I did.

He offered to pay, to make a whole weekend of it somewhere exciting (wtf?) and to buy me something special if I’d just please get rid of the baby. He explained that he didn’t want any more kids and that he couldn’t openly be a father to another kid when he and his wife were still pretending to be happily married to the outside world.

I agreed to do what he wanted and we made plans for him to pick me up and find somewhere out of town to go get it done. I was all packed the night he was going to pick me up, but I started to feel really scared and really unsafe about the whole thing.

I took my bag and checked myself into a hotel to hide because I couldn’t go with him. I texted him to say I promised to never contact him again and to never name him as the father or go after child support if he’d promise to leave me alone.

At first he tried to sweet talk me into doing what he wanted. When I didn’t cave in, he said some very nasty things to me and that I essentially better never contact him again or show up at his door.

I have a 2 year old now. At times, it’s been difficult, but overall we are thriving as best we can. I have kept my word about not naming his as the father or requesting child support.

His wife contacted me on social media. Well, she’s his ex-wife now. She wants to talk to me. She found out about me and told me that she divorced him 6 months ago. She wants her children to know their sibling and for my child to know his siblings. That’s weird to me.

I haven’t responded back to her yet. I am unsure about how to approach this. How to I respond to this? I wonder if I’m being selfish by not exploring an option for my child to know his siblings, if she’s being genuine about that. If I was married and my husband fathered a child outside of our marriage I don’t think I’d feel the same that she does. AITA?

OP provides a lot of informative comments. Take a look!

Comment 1:

I didn’t know he was married when we first got together. I acknowledged that I should have ended the relationship as soon as I found out he was married.

I allowed myself to believe what he told me, which made it seem not so bad - like this was some sort of agreement he and his wife had. Emotionally, I was already hooked. I’m not making excuses.

I wouldn’t say I was “happy” to bring a baby into this situation. There was a huge mix of emotions. I felt like I was in love with him, so there was a part of me that was excited at first.

That feeling soon died, but I felt that I loved my baby still. I tried to do the best thing that I could, which was to remove myself from his life and his family’s life. I just wanted to be able to keep my baby and love my baby. I did not get pregnant on purpose.

I wasn’t on birth control. I had been on birth control when I was slightly younger and had a life threatening health complications as a result. He knew I wasn’t on birth control.

He loved unprotected se%. I was stupid and I agreed to do it. I would do almost anything he asked se%ually. I tried to track my cycle and would tell him when it was probably not a safe time to do it.

His wife isn’t really what I’m afraid of. Whatever she’d want to say to me is probably deserved anyway, and more.

Comment 2:

He found out about the pregnancy before I “ghosted” him. And upon finding out I was pregnant with his child, there was absolutely no real discussion about what we were going to do. We were going to do what he wanted to do and he had it all planned out.

He threatened me, by text and by phone calls and voicemails, when I told him I was not going to go with him on this abortion vacation he had planned. I begged him to please not force me to do that and he turned mean.

I offered to never contact him again if he’d just let me go. After threatening me again, about what he’d do if I didn’t keep my word, he agreed. He has kept his side of the bargain and has never contacted me.

Comment 3:

I’ve been assuming that she found out about me in her own, maybe saw something on his phone or computer and has probably known for a while before reaching out to me (if it’s actually her).

I get what some people are saying about siblings and such, but that man is not my child’s dad. He is the dad of his older kids but he’s not the dad of my kid. I’m still young and I hope to have more children one day, and those children would be my son’s siblings.

I hope to find a man who loves me and my son and with whom I can have a legitimate relationship. I haven’t been with another man since I ended things with this guy. I actually just went on 2 dates for the first time very recently. I’m not desperate to find a man right now, but I hope to find real love one day.

Those people are not my son’s family. He’s 2 and they’re old enough to drive. So, I do t think they’re missing out on any sort of important relationship right now. I understand wanting to know your bio family, and I feel he can decide that later on when he’s old enough to have a day.

Depending on where we are at in our lives at the time, he might not feel a need to know those people.

I don’t plan to lie to my son about his conception, but I don’t think we need to involve ourselves with the man’s ex-wife and teenage children at this time.

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

finanaeee writes:

NTA. I'd keep that door open but not walk through it. You have good instincts, and your uneasiness is probably well-founded. Maybe she really is a saint who's over whatever resentment she may have felt toward you.

Or maybe the marriage really was a shell, and she doesn't care about him enough to see you as a past threat. OR maybe she does resent you and is using your little son as a means to get into your life and make you suffer.

I'd tell her you're not opposed to the idea but that you don't want to rush into anything. And tell her that you eventually saw [his name] as he really was, and you don't want to ever be in the same room with him.

Suggest you exchange emails or texts first, and then maybe progress to phone calls. If that goes well for a while, then maybe meet just her, and do it in a public place.

freeforall writes:

YTA!!! OP you have to face the consequences of your inconsiderate and (evil) actions while trying to do the best for your child. My advice would be to seek confirmation of the ex wife via video call that it is her and if it is her meet her in public and be honest wither whether or not you decide to seek him for child support.

You owe her that closure because you two ruined her and his kids lives. And as a child of a person like your AP trust me affairs of parents and bastard children affect our mental health and familial security, so yes cheating affects families as a whole and people like that are not good fathers and can affect physical health of his marriage partner (stdi, bacteria…)

I am 22 years old and I don’t want to seem rude but your poor level of moral compass and judgement and intuition baffles me. You were old enough to realize what you were doing was wrong and you only did good when you distanced yourself from him.

I think yes you were manipulated but also your age plays little factor here because even I at 16 years old knew better than to be a side hoe to a guy I truly liked before I knew he had a girlfriend.

Happiness built on other people’s tears is not pure and your karma came here now. Yes you were manipulated but you saw signs and chose to ignore them for temporary pleasure and thrill.

Also having unprotected sex even if it was his wish you allowed it is a risk for a baby which of course happened and risking the health of his wife. Even if you counted your fertile days still…it was an invitation of faith for this to happen.

I hope you repented and realized how much you could hurt others and your child’s security. If I were you I would do a HEAVY apology to his wife and children.

You dreamed of being his wife and a normal family you say…if he did to her he would have done it to you too. He doesn’t love either of you he only probably respects his then wife more. Especially if he has madonna whore complex.

He is a major asshole here and way worse than you and seems like a narcissist but you are also not an innocent young girl here. I hope you do better for the sake of your child and your own soul

greaaa writes:

NTA. You should have the siblings take a DNA test. Other than that I don’t see why you and the mother ever need to meet.

I am a victim of this whole story. My father did this exact same thing to my mom. They were married and while my mom was having miscarriage after miscarriage, my dad was off doing that with someone like you.

I just found out I have a sibling through one of his many women he cheated on my mom with.

I found out that my sibling is the same age as my youngest sibling (the one she finally earned after all her miscarriages) and that’s about all I know. I really would like to meet my half sibling and just see how we’re similar or different and honestly get to know each other without having hostility towards each other because of course it’s not our fault.

But I am an adult and my half sibling is an adult so it’s a little different on the spectrum of having an actual conversation with my half sibling.

I’m sorry to say this and I’m not trying to be a “hater” I’m just giving you my honest feedback. I think what you did was 100% wrong and I think he’s 1000% to blame. But you owe it to her and her kids to know the truth.

OP's first official update (3 weeks later):

I made a post 3 weeks ago and things have only gotten stranger. I had an affair with a married man a few years ago. I regret it and I will never do anything like that ever again. I knew it was wrong from the very beginning, but he captivated me.

I was naive. I allowed myself to believe when he told me they were pretty much just married on paper for the sake of their kids. I got pregnant and while he tried to talk me into getting an abortion I ultimately decided to keep the baby.

I have a 2 year old little boy now. I promised this man that I wouldn’t expose our affair and I wouldn’t formally identify him as the father or request child support.

I did that because he was becoming very nasty about the whole thing and I felt like due to the mess that I had created and the way I felt by the end of it, a clean break with no involvement with him would be the best thing for everyone.

I moved back to where my family is, hundreds of miles from where he and his family live.

About a month ago his ex-wife reached out to me via social media, claiming they had been divorced for 6 months and that she wanted our children to be able to know each other.

Now, their kids are teenagers, so I didn’t really think they’d want anything to do with the toddler and the woman their father was having an affair with. It seemed odd to me.

After posting here, I sort of decided that I wouldn’t respond to her. I’d just ignore it. She just sent me the one message, so it wasn’t as if she was badgering me about talking to me or meeting me.

On Friday night I decided to message her. I don’t really know why. I think it was really just for my sake so I could have the chance to apologize to her. I told her that I would be more comfortable speaking with her face to face since I couldn’t trust that it was really her.

She said she understood. I was too nervous to meet her in person, but we did a video chat. I didn’t know what to expect, if this was all a ploy just to unleash her fury on me or what. I mean, I’d deserve that. She wouldn’t be wrong to feel that way.

It was really her. She told me she discovered our affair when she found communications between the two of us, after our relationship had ended. She told me I’m one of many women he had affairs with over the years and she knew about somebody even before he met me, but she didn’t divorce him at the time.

Finding out about my child was the final straw for her. I told her I was sorry for my relationship with her husband and admitted that I knew he was married.

She graciously told me she forgives me and that while she harbored a lot of anger towards me initially, she ultimately blames her husband. I’m not blameless, but she chooses to not hate me, essentially.

She said she couldn’t have said this 6 months ago or a year ago when she first found out about me, but she has moved past that. She still has anger toward him, in addition to many other emotions surrounding him. She started pouring out her heart to me about their 20+ year marriage and life together and it was very awkward because what do I even say?

Her kids know about me and my son. She says they’re very mad at their father. Somehow I don’t think they’re mad about the fact that he’s not involved with my son’s life. And why would they be mad about that? I would hate me if I were them.

I told her with my son being so little right now, I don’t really feel comfortable with him meeting her kids or being involved with their family. I feel unsure about it and it’s just not something I feel needs to happen right now. She kind of demanded it. Like who makes demands someone else's baby?

Then she told me her ex husband was in a bad accident 2 months ago. He’s fine now, still not allowed to return to all his normal activities just yet, but will be fine.

He is probably the most physically active person I’ve ever met, barely ever seems to sit down, so he must be terribly annoying to be around if he’s not allowed to go go go all the time.

She told me he wants to meet my son. Apparently she moved back in with him temporarily when he first came home from the hospital. She said the accident really shook him up and he has been expressing a lot of regret about my son, not being involved, not providing for him.

So now it’s like was everything she said just a lie and he somehow got her to reach out to me on his behalf? And she actually did it?

It felt almost like a relief talking to her initially, but then it’s like was any of that true or you were just trying to be his messenger? I don’t even know if that part is true now. Why wouldn’t he just contact me himself? I’m just feeling so uneasy about the whole thing now.

OP continues to add comments to the post:

Comment 1:

I don’t believe I HAVE to involve his teenage children in my son’s life. Maybe when my son is old enough to decide if he wants that.

He is not named on the birth certificate and I do not receive child support from him. I have asked nothing of him, except to let me move away and not try to force me to have an abortion. I basically had to promise him to not contact him, not make him as the father, not request child support.

If he truly wants involvement with my son he can reach out to my directly and he can take the legal route to establish himself as our son’s father.

Comment 2:

He did not legally sever his rights. He never established rights in the first place. He has no rights until he goes to court and establishes himself as the father. He is welcome to do that.

Honestly, I wish my son did have a father who was involved in his life and loved him. Yes, this guy has faults, but he has plenty of positive qualities. He is really involved with his older children. I met them many times because they’d be at work with him or he’d have to drop by the office in his way to take them somewhere.

He was always doing things with them. They seemed like good kids who really loved their dad. I wish my son could have that experience too. I didn’t think it was an option based on how he behaved when I was pregnant. He wasn’t interested and wanted me and our baby to go away. That’s what I did. And I accepted it.

Comment 3:

He is not legally my son’s father at this time. This means that currently he has no legal parental rights or responsibilities regarding my son. I cannot stop him from taking the legal steps to establish paternity if he wishes to do so.

He will always be my son’s biological father. I can’t change that fact. Regardless of whether or not he ever legally establishes paternity, my son will likely be curious about his biological father and who knows, maybe they will establish a relationship one day regardless of legal paternity.

There is no way to say if I will meet a man who may want to adopt my son one day, thus becoming his legal father. It’s something that I think would be nice, but nothing that I’m “intent” on doing. By choice, I’ve only been one 2 dates since my son was born and that was only within the year 2024. I realize that it will not be as simple as signing a piece of paper.

OP's second official update:

To summarize very quickly, when I was fresh out of college I had an affair with a married man and father. I became pregnant. He wanted me to get an abortion. He had arranged to “take me away” in a “vacation” to get an abortion.

I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to do but I agreed to go along with what we wanted. At the last minute, when he was on his way to come pick me up, I told him I couldn’t go through with the abortion. I just really didn’t feel comfortable about his plan and how he was orchestrating everything. It scared me. I realized at that time how deep I had gone with this mistake, how screwed up the whole relationship was.

He was really mad. He threatened me, said a lot of nasty things to me. I told him if he just left me alone and let me have my baby then I’d leave him alone and wouldn’t name him as the father or seek child support.

I moved back home (I was living in a different state when I met him). I kept my word and I did t it name him as the father or seek to establish paternity. I have never sought child support. My child is 2 now.

A few months ago his wife contacted me via social media. At first she made it seem like she wanted my child to have the opportunity to know his siblings. It was sort of weird since the siblings are teenagers. She said she had divorced him 6 months prior.

I agreed to talk to her virtually, not in person. I felt that I owed it to her to apologize for what I had done. I do feel bad about it. But at the end of the conversation I told her that I didn’t feel it was the appropriate time to connect my son with her kids.

He’s a toddler and their teens, plus I had promised her husband to stay out of his life. That’s when she told me that he was recently in a bad accident and she had been helping to take care of him.

Supposedly he was going to be fine and was fairly recovered at that point, but she said he had expressed interest to meet our child. So she was basically his messenger.

I have not been in contact with her since then. I deleted my social media. I don’t know why, but the whole thing just really made me uncomfortable. Since I last posted here….

Then, I received a handwritten letter from him. In it, he expressed how he wanted to get to know our son, he wants to be a father to our son, he wants to provide financially for him, he’d like us to come visit him.

He asked me to sign a paternity affidavit. I refused to do so. I know he is my son’s father but I’m not going to make this that easy for him. After the things he said to me and threatened me with, he at least has to work for this.

At that point, my parents felt that we needed to meet with a lawyer. All communication from me has gone through a lawyer. I have never responded to him personally/directly.

Now, I have a court order for paternity. I have to present my son to have a specimen taken tomorrow. I already know what it’s going to say.

It’s not that I don’t want my son to have a dad in his life. It’s just…the whole situation is a mess. And he lives a few states away from me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t really do anything. He’s doing things legally. Next, I’m sure he’ll petition for some form of custody or visitation.

He’s not married anymore, supposedly, but he’s a lot more established than I am. He has considerably more financial resources. I also know he has all sorts of connections where he lives. Luckily they don’t hold as much weight here in my state but it’s still so scary to me.

I’m a bad mom. I brought my son into this world knowing it was a messy situation. I just got so comfortable with it just being the 2 of us and now I don’t want to give that up.

Update 3:

I don’t think he’ll move away from where he lives. He has way too much established there. He’s in his early 40s. I don’t know how this supposed accident (if that even really happened) has affected him, but he was incredibly physically active when I knew him.

He only slept like 4 hours a night, took a 20 minute power nap daily, and rarely ever sat down. He was also HIGHLY involved in his children’s lives. I’d even say overprotective, like a helicopter dad instead of the typical helicopter mom. He only slept a few hours a night and moved at about a million miles a minute.

Everyone joked about it. Somehow he always had time to get up at 5 am, go surfing, do some work, take his kids to school, do some work, take his Power Nap, get coffee, pick his kids up after school and take them wakeboarding or some other sort of thing like that, do some more work, be at his kid’s basketball game, and so on and so forth. He literally never ever stopped.

I was just another thing to help fill out his calendar to prevent him from getting bored. I also don’t think he and his wife had much of a relationship, although it wasn’t quite as he described it to me. They lived in the same house but I believe they lived pretty separate lives.

He bought her a business to give her something to do and keep her busy. She was there most of the time. They didn’t even go to their kids activities together. He was always the one going.

So I think that freed up time too. I don’t think they liked being around each other so she was happy to have him out of the house. She admitted to me that I wasn’t the first affair he had and she knew about most of the time we were together.

Sources: Reddit
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