Woman announces pregnancy; sister immediately has 'psychotic' demands; 'Should I get a RESTRAINING order?' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman is upset with her sister's behavior, she asks the internet:
"I announced pregnancy and my older sister had psychotic demands. I think I need a restraining order. AITA?"
I, 28f, am currently 19 weeks pregnant. My partner, 29M, and I are very excited, as this is our first baby and we have been trying for a few months.
We announced the pregnancy a month ago at a dinner party we hosted, and everyone seemed surprised and overjoyed. My sister, 35f, who I will call K, immediately burst into tears and asked me how I could do this to her. I stared at her, and asked “What?”
She started ranting, saying that I always got everything I wanted (which is not true, I worked hard for all that I have) and that she knew I got pregnant just so I could rub her infertility in her face.
She screamed at me for 5 minutes about how I didn’t deserve to be a mother and she should be the one pregnant right now. My parents left with her soon after, and the party was basically over. I was really disturbed by my sister's reaction, because we had been pretty close before, and she had never done anything like this.
K called me the next day, apologizing for how she acted at my announcement and asked if we could meet up for coffee. I accepted. We met up and she pretended as nothing had happened.
Then she started a big speech about her infertility, how heartbreaking it is to be growing life inside of her, just to lose it, and how she had always wanted children of her own.
She then proceeded to ask me if I could consider getting an abortion, to make things “fair”, or letting her adopt my baby. I stared at her and asked if she was serious. K said she was. I just dropped my part of the bill on the table and left.
L (K’s husband) texted me a rant that night about how I’d made K cry, and how all they wanted was to be parents, and that this meant so much to them, and I “owed” them for being more successful than them.
I and my partner invested many years into our jobs, and we have worked very hard to earn what we earn now. I told them that my partner and I had been hoping for kids too and that I was not giving up my baby. He hung up.
She later sent me a long letter (4 pages) about how she had always wanted to be a mother, and could I consider either abortion or letting her adopt my baby, how I should care about my older sister's happiness...
how she would make a better mum, how the oldest kid should have the first grandchild, and how I could always just have another baby since it was "so easy for me to conceive".
After that, she quieted down some, and I thought we were done with this. Except... it wasn't. She had posted MY SONOGRAM on her FB, and captioned it “L and I are expecting! We can’t wait to meet our little princess!”
I was seeing red. I texted her and demanded she takes the post down. No reply. I texted L. No reply. So I called my mother and told her what happened. She was able to make K take the post down, luckily enough.
K has called me petty for calling my mum and has continued to demand I give up my baby. I sent her a letter explaining that I had had enough of her nonsense, I AM keeping my baby, and that I recommend she get some help. I added that if she continues, I will not hesitate to call 999.
This weekend, however, was the absolute last straw. My mum and dad have the spare key to my house, and while she was over at their house for brunch, she took the key.
While my partner and I were at work, she broke into our house and stole all the clothing, blankets, nappies, bottles, and pretty much any other item we had bought for the baby, except furniture.
It was later returned after my mum found it in her car. I called 999, but they told me I couldn't do anything because I had no proof and because it was all returned.
My partner and I are moving in April, but I'm still scared my sister will find out where we live and take my child. I get that she's upset and jealous, due to her infertility, but that shouldn't mean I have to give up my baby. My parents know about this, and they have been doing their best to get her some help.
She doesn't want to adopt, because she wants a child that's her own flesh and blood. I'm due in August, and the stress she's causing cannot and will not be good for me or the baby. My partner is looking into a cease-and-desist letter. Is there anything else I should do or say? I'm scared for my baby.
imprin writes:
Your sister is mentally ill and needs help. I don't say that as a joke or to insult her, she's sick and dangerous. Honestly, I think your fears are well founded.
I would block her on everything and give you parents VERY STRICT orders that if you find out they've given her access to any info about your living situation or pregnancy that you will be forced to cut them all off for your safety.
I'd also go talk to a lawyer to see if there's anything you can do to protect yourself here - in the US you can get a restraining order so that the person will be arrested if they come near you. Last though would be to make sure you have cameras recording your new place.
pracdadadv writes:
That is deeply unsettling. Your sister sounds like she needs much more help than your mum can provide, and you need to be distanced from her. I'm glad you're moving, and that fear you're feeling is real.
First of all, none of what she's doing or saying should have any impact on you becoming a parent. You are not responsible for her life. The fact that's she's escalated to breaking into your home is very concerning, and if you feel like your safety is threatened you need to keep in contact with your local police.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Keep being clear with your parents that she cannot be allowed to be around you, that she cannot be allowed to visit, and that if she comes around you will contact the police.
Document these moments, especially any criminal ones, so that you have a clear record of what she's been doing if you do need to involve the police. When you move, ask to speak with a desk sergeant and make a statement so that they have something in writing at your local station just in case.
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
atry writes:
I would tell your parents that everything up until this point is to be kept confidential, even from them if need be. Nothing in texts. Nothing in writing. Here is the advice I gave my friend when she had a similar situation.
Lie about your due date. Have your parents plant the seed that you will be induced at a date later than your due date at a hospital you will not be delivering at.
Second, in your birth plan explicitly say baby is not to leave room and only these certain people can come. Everyone else needs clearance. I would have someone (friend, MIL) stay in the room with you and (if needed) and have partner watching LO if he/she needed medical attention.
Make sure all of the nurses know of your situation and that no one is allowed in the room except the people you have listed. Contact the hospital security.
Here is why it is better to have an “only these people” instead of “just not k” and it’s scary but it’s true: she could send someone else.
Document everything. Everything. You may need to get a temporary protection order and often times when babies are involved and it’s not directly a parent or a grandparent even, they are easily obtained.
Do not give out your child’s full name if you can or even accurate birth date. Don’t post it on social media. This is so later on if she tries to check them out at school, get medical info, she can’t without an accurate date. Until she gets help, go NC.
And if someone hasn’t told you yet, I am so sorry. You deserve to have an older sister who should be helping you through this next chapter. You should be enjoying this time. Not on high alert.
I don’t know you but I’m so happy for you and your growing family and I don’t know if you are religious but I sincerely hope and pray you have a beautiful and safe delivery and baby.
mberrylic writes:
Please update us on what happens. Your sister is having a mental break and her partner is enabling it. I would be EXTRA, EXTRA cautious as both of them seem unhinged at this point.
Collect as much evidence as possible, a restraining order, get outdoor and possibly indoor cameras for entrances and public spaces, new locks, doorbell camera is a must, the works because I can see them finding out your new address and coming over.
Don't give a copy of your new keys to your parents or to anyone that she knows. Does she know the address of your new place? I wouldn't even tell your parents where you are moving at this point.
You didn't quite elaborate on their opinion on this although they do seem to be trying to act as a buffer. You need them to understand and see how clearly unhinged she is before allowing them access to your new home and baby. I wouldn't let them watch the baby unless they are at your house.
You may want to also consider getting pepper spray, maybe even a gun since you work from home. I know that seems extreme but your sister has completely lost touch with reality and people like that can and do react violently when they don't get their way.
realistic writes:
Don't give anyone a key, get a doorbell camera and maybe a baby cam too. Only meet up in public with company even with your Mum and be prepared to leave if sister turns up.
I would talk to your Mum about how you are feeling very stressed out by all this and that you do not want your sister around the baby until she has had therapy at least. I would also lay some some rules that sister only visits on request of you, not turning up with Mum without you knowing, from now until forever.
That if she does the Mum also gets a time out from seeing the baby. It may seem cruel but having these rules will give you peace of mind and your Mum will understand that you are not messing around with this crap.
Give your sister one line of communication, say an email address just for her and block the other addresses, that way you have evidence if needed should you need a restraining order or whatever to help you feel better.
So whatever visitation rules you have in place from now being pregnant to having the baby, you can include everyone that she might tag onto into visiting, so be prepared to advise everyone that after stealing all your baby things that on no account do you wish to be "surprised"
by a visit from your sister and if she turns up to expect her not to be allowed into your home and that might include them as well. You can have an outdoor camera to check visitors from farther away than a door camera as well.
Once everyone knows you are serious about this and that you will record any infractions of the rules by your sister then hopefully everyone will be on board with you. If anyone says you are going too far or hurting your sister,
then the reply is "why does she get to hurt me a pregnant woman and give me stress that will harm the baby?" there is no answer and it should shut down any discussion.
Try to take breaks away if you can, stress is very much no a good idea for a growing child so look after yourself and be at peace as much as possible.
pastxone writes:
Your sister has told you ALL you need to know. She is unsafe . She is potentially murderous- trying to force abortion on you. Believe people when they tell you who they are. Move away and don't give your parents any information. Can you be absolutely sure that information won't be passed on ?
Everyone is letting you down. This should br YOUR time to shine and with pregnancy, you do not want any stress. This is beyond stressful. I would not put anything past your sister. Check your cars or lock them in the garage. Get a security door and fire alarms.
Move as soon as you can and absolutely cut that crazy sicko from your life. Never give her an opportunity to be alone with that baby. I understand , parents are often blind but this is too much. My dear friend, her brother was unhinged and for years he would display aggressive behaviour but it was ignored.
My friend would allow the grandparents to watch the kiddo , on Saturdays on the promise that her brother would not be there. Obviously her parents trusted him more than my friend did as they allowed him over.
Long story short, he smothered the three year old and was luckily discovered but its way to early to say what the long term issues will be and of course, trauma. His reason ?
He was jealous of the attention the little one was getting. Babies rely on us completely. Don't take the risk. Stay right away from her and by extension, your parents
And now, OP's update:
The support I've received from this website is overwhelming! Thank you all for your comments, although I couldn't reply to all of them, they are appreciated! We have had the locks changed, cameras installed, and a Ring doorbell.
I've started saving every letter and screenshotting every message my sister has sent and plan to take them to court for a restraining order very soon. We have also been seriously documenting everything.
My husband and I are planning a trip to Ireland for our anniversary next week, and it's going to be good to clear our heads from my sister. I've called 999 to report her for harassment, and they gave her a warning.
She's contacted me saying that if I won't give her my child, I can at least pay for multiple rounds of IVF, which I have not replied to other than refusing.
She's been begging my parents to convince me to give up my baby, which they refuse to do. They have also been given a statement that basically says that if they give her my contact information, they will not see my baby, to which they have agreed.
I've since changed my phone number, and we are moving very soon. My sister does not know our new address. She actually stood on our stoop for 20 minutes a few days ago, banging on our door, and yelling.
My husband opened a window and told her that if she didn't leave, he would let the dog out, and threatened to call the police. We have a rather small, but hyper puppy who jumps on everyone and barks a lot, and she is quite scared of dogs, actually, so this made her leave.
I started working from home last week, as did my husband, and we've followed the advice of one of the comments, washed all of the baby stuff, as well as made sure none of the food in our kitchen was messed with (none was, luckily).
We're planning on getting a restraining order as soon as possible, and are looking forward to our trip! I'm already sick of being pregnant, and I'm not even in the third trimester. I just want my baby. Thank you all again for your wonderful advice, and I may update you again when the baby is born.