Woman asks family to exclude partner from Christmas gifts, 'you can't preach a rule if you wont apply it.' AITA? UPDATED.
"AITA (F37) for asking my family to not give my partner (M33) gifts for Xmas?"
My partner and I visit his mother on xmas day every year (8 years) and bring my son with us. My MIL always gives my son some cash for xmas, in turn i buy her chocolates, candles etc.
This year, my mother can actually have guests over for xmas. She used to live in a tiny apartment and just came to my home for xmas, but this year is the 1st time in 10 years shes been in a home big enough to have guests, so she really wants to host a xmas for a change. My partner made it clear he doesnt want to go, asked what the point in going was then said "fine I'll go but I really don't want to." (a little backhanded IMO).
He kept bringing up that my son (he isn't bio dad, bio dad is involved and is having my son on xmas after dinner time) wouldn't really want to go and would be bored, has limited time as it is and should get to spend the day doing what he wanted rather than going to both parents houses.
So I said fine, your mum has had every year so far, this year, I'm taking him to my mother's. He then decided that if my son didn't go to his (my partners) mother's house, that he wouldn't be recieving the money gift she has for him. In his words "you have to make effort to get nice things from people."
This is coming from someone who recieves money cards at his mother's house, from people who aren't there but he doesnt go and visit them to recieve them. This is also someone who lets me buy chocolates for his extended family, who get me and my son nothing, but me and my son sit there watching him open money cards from these people.
ALL of my extended family get my partner gifts, but...Mr "you have to make effort to get nice things," doesn't visit them to say thank you or even collect the gifts, they just get sent to our home, yet he expects my son to do this.
So, based on this rule he is setting, I am tempted to tell my extended family to save on gifts for my partner this year and "If they want to," put the money they would save as an extra gift for my son (which will more than make up for the card he wont recieve from my partners mother).
I figured you can't preach a rule if you wont apply it to yoursef also. He even told me that if his own mother tries to send the gift card home to my son, he wont give it to him! Therefor, being controlling to everyone involved, to appease his agenda. AITA if I make sure the rule applies to him also.
Here's what top commenters had to say:
Yiayiamary said:
Why are you with this selfish person?
MrsCakeakaJane said:
NTA. why are you with this controlling pos
dncrmom said:
NTA but the question you need to ask yourself is AITAH for remaining in a relationship with someone who has no respect for me, my son, or my family; someone who puts in zero effort & who is trying to control me by denying my son a Christmas gift?
monkeydrawsbananas said:
NTA but he's being selfish and you are doing his share of the work of keeping up with family. I absolutely think your family should stop sending gifts home if he doesn't show up. That said you need to think of a way to manage the whole think in the future.
ThisReport877 said:
NTA but a better move would be to get out of this relationship.
everellie said:
He's petty, small, and nasty to a child. Your partner is terrible. I wouldn't want to be with such a person at the holidays or ever. Relationships are about compromise. He's all take and no give. Literally. NO GIVE.
You're wanting to escalate with an equal and opposite reaction. But what about just extracting yourself from a bad situation? If your mom has a bigger house, maybe you and your son would be happier staying there, instead, until you can live on your own.
UPDATE:
He has said he will go to my mother's, but made it clear that he doesn't want to. Knows everytime hes sat there and looks at his phone, il know he wants to leave. I have anxiety and dont cope well with this crap and he knows it, just (seems like) he doesn't care.
He also made the point that my son has limited time at my house before he leaves for his dad's, but is still quite willing to drag him to both houses instead of just one for a change.
So...I dont get it, does he care about my son losing a lot of his day, or does he want him to lose a lot of his day by doing both things? (Also, its boring AF at my partner's mum's.
Me and my son get 1 gift each then sit for about an hour and half watching my partner open cards and gifts from people he never bothers to see, or people I alone, bought gifts for and got nothing back, at least at my mothers house theres gifts fpr him to open, they would put fails on the tv which he loves watching etc. Doesn't sound like its about my son at all.