Woman at a loss; 'My fiancé's relationship to his sick mother makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE.' AITA?
When this woman is freaked out by her fiancé's weird relationship to his mother, she asks the internet:
"AITA for being uncomfortable about my fiance's relationship to his sick mom?"
So, am I an asshole? My fiance has taken care of his mother for years. She has been sick for a long time and has had multiple surgeries which has had required her to have help.
Instead of getting a nurse (which I know probably isn't cheap) or having her daughters help, she made her then 11-year-old son (my fiance) (now 21) help her. In some of the cases, she would be naked and he would have to see her in that state. This went on for years and still goes on.
Am I messed up for feeling uncomfortable with this? I just find it odd that she made her young son help her, but not her older daughters. And I don't think I would be as uncomfortable if this didn't continue after her not being sick.
For example, she would change with the door open, use the bathroom with the door open, look at very se%ual pictures of yourself and others on her phone, and be in her underwear in her room with the door open for me and her son to see, etc. I get they've been through a lot together and he's already seen her naked, but I just find it odd that she continues to be so open even after being fine.
I've expressed to my fiance that I wasn't comfortable with this, and he says he understands because if roles were reversed he would feel the same, and he's said himself that he feels uncomfortable but deep down I don't think he understands, or cares or is just saying he's uncomfortable with it to make me feel better?
If that makes sense. And he's talked to his mom, but for the longest, she would reply with “Then don't look”. Now she's apparently not trying to do that, but I don't think she cares. Maybe I'm a huge asshole with no heart, but it just makes me feel weird and uncomfortable.
And sometimes I think that maybe I feel this way because he gets so heated about how I dress sometimes, and how he doesn't want anyone to see me wearing anything “revealing” or makes comments about me wearing no bra under my shirt or wearing swimsuits around my dad and brother. Even though he's looked at multiple naked women and his mom.
She's in the hospital again, and this is why these feelings are being brought up again because even tho she's in a hospital and has nurses there to help, I have this feeling that she's having him help her or is having him stay there to see her like that.
I hope this all makes sense and someone can help me, cause I feel like I'm a terrible person. I should be happy my fiance is willing to help even if it means seeing someone in such a state like that, but I can't seem to shake that uncomfortable feeling. AITA?
Let's see what readers had to say:
goobface writes:
YTA and I think your concern about this is weird. Illnesses are not se%ual.
One would expect the daughters to help out but they are not and you have provided zero information why. Regardless, she needs someone and his stepping up should be seen as a good thing.
I cared for both of my parents as they died and I assure you it was only done for love.
creat writes:
You really buried the lede there about your BF getting pissy about your clothes.
Anyway, NTA. I don’t know if there was/is anything hinky going on, but regardless you’re allowed to be uncomfortable with it.
Your BF is TAH for policing your clothes. Mom, could go either way.
pennypenn writes:
I agree with you. I think its inappropriate and would not feel comfortable about it either. And it doesnt help that the mother says dont look then, which is a ridiculous reply, when shes the one putting him in that situation.
If shes getting changed and using the bathroom with the door open, then she is being inappropriate with him all the time, not just when shes had surgery.
polai7 writes:
ESH. Ok, you're uncomfortable, you told him, he has tried to limit seeing his mother naked. What more are you looking for here? Not much he can do about his youth. The more troubling aspect is that he tries to tell you what you can wear. That's more worrisome.
cottlaki writes:
Nudity is not inherently sex%ual but I can completely get where the weird and uncomfortable comes from as it seems that he's expressed his discomfort to her and she's not necessarily being respectful.
It definitely sounds like your fiance has some mixed up feelings about nudity and family.
I don't think you're a terrible person and definitely NTA. While I personally grew up in a "naked" household, nudity is something a lot of people feel funny about and he should feel like his mom respects him in that regard.
greengra writes:
NTA. I share your discomfort OP. There does seem to be something inappropriate and wrong going on here. You mentioned his mom "looking at...se%ual pictures on her phone" with her son/your fiancé is around (or can see?). That's a huge red flag for CSA.
Exposing kids to inappropriate material is itself a form of abuse. Combine that with your fiancés very concerning hang-ups about your body, what you wear, sexual impropriety, and his seeming to feel "ownership" over all of the above- there are serious problems here.
This is an intensely difficult subject. I'd recommend seeking therapy and support for yourself before approaching it with him. And pause the wedding plans until you get to the bottom of it.
dliv writes:
NTA, Id feel the same way. Why not if she needed help have the older daughters help instead she choose her 11 year old son, at 11 years old he should not be seeing a grown woman naked even if it’s his mom.
Seems very strange and obviously he knows it’s strange to so why he doesn’t place some boundaries is beyond me. That’s what is needed here is boundaries.
takeone writes:
NTA, Id feel the same way. Why not if she needed help have the older daughters help instead she choose her 11 year old son, at 11 years old he should not be seeing a grown woman naked even if it’s his mom.
Seems very strange and obviously he knows it’s strange to so why he doesn’t place some boundaries is beyond me. That’s what is needed here is boundaries.
trespass1 writes:
NTA. I would be rather concerned about him ranting about your "revealing" clothes, which is controlling behavior. His relationship with his mom because of her careless behavior when she is well seems not healthy for me too. Both are red flags for me.