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Woman threatens to back out of wedding after hammered fiancé reveals his 'true colors.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.

Woman threatens to back out of wedding after hammered fiancé reveals his 'true colors.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.


When this woman is shocked by her future husband's drunken behavior and considers backing out of the wedding, she asks Reddit:

"It’s 3 months before my wedding and I don’t know if I can go through with it. AITA?"

So I have been with my fiancé for 3 and a half years, and culturally we are already married as he has paid a dowery for me. We’re planning a big celebration in September and as it draws nearer, I’m starting to really not like him.

Backstory: My fiancé enjoys drinking from time to time, and sometimes he’s not the nicest drunk.

Somehow I always find a way to forgive him 3 weeks ago, he came home drunk from a night out with colleagues and there was no food available for him so he went on a rant about how he’s calling off the wedding because I don’t care about him, and I don’t know how to take care of him.

He said this the day before my grandmother’s funeral. He eventually came to his senses and apologised, and as usual, I brushed it off.

There have been multiple instances where he’s drunk and rants about how I’m not warm woman and that I don’t care about him, but last night took the cake.

We went out with friends, and the plan was for me to get a bit tipsy cause I’ve been going through a lot (we recently learnt that my mom is complete renal failure, and my dad has been in and out of the hospital).

Anyway, we’re having a great time and I get tipsy. I soon realise that he’s getting drunk so I stop drinking so I can take care of both of us. We eventually get home and I get him into bed.

I take 2 strong painkillers so I can sleep as I haven’t slept in 3 nights. I made sure to give him a glass of water, and everything he needs should he not feel well.

The pills worked a bit too well apparently cause it turns out he ended up throwing up in the bathroom, and had to clean it up himself. I didn’t hear anything until he came back into the bedroom where he snapped at me saying he almost died and I didn’t come help him.

I inform him that I was sleeping and didn’t hear anything and he refuses to listen. Instead he is telling me that I’ve proved to him that I don’t care about him cause I abandoned him in his time of need.

I feel bad that I didn’t hear him but I was absolutely exhausted. I have always helped him whenever he got too drunk and threw up, I’ve always made sure to clean him up and get him into bed.

I’m hurt and I’m angry because I am always being accused of not caring. I don’t know how much more i can take. I can’t speak about this to anyone in my life so thanks for reading this far. I don't know if I can marry this man. AITA?

Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

monolove writes:

I just want to put this out there. I was engaged to a man who I thought was going to be good for my family, and he basically changed overnight after he moved into my home. It took months for me to finally kick him out, but I am so glad I did.

He even confessed he had an issue at one point, but later told me that he had no idea why I thought his drinking was a problem. Alcoholism isn't ever cured. If he doesn't really think it's an issue, then you need to run. He might give you good lip service, but believe his actions over his words.

billieboop writes:

Let us know how you're doing after tomorrow. Stay safe, inform people you trust what is happening before you go to the session and if you choose to leave, try not to make a scene or him aware, have someone with you, or leave discreetly. Your safety and well being is paramount.

Wish you the best ahead. You know the answer deep down, this is a formality. Your family can return the dowry themselves respectfully and you can cut ties and move forward.

Better to leave when you aren't tethered than to do so later. Wish you both the best, he needs help with his drinking problem too. It will do him no good in the future. Good luck.

blixtwix writes:

I don't respect alcoholics because of my own personal experiences. That in mind, I would think that if he is aware that he becomes an aggressive or mean drunk, he should take the initiative to stop drinking and find another vice.

What does he do for you? What has he sacrificed? And does it make up for his drunken belligerence? But, again, I do have my bias against alcoholism.

lucastootired writes:

Run. This is abuse. You are worth more. Excuse the swearing, I have been this way my entire life, and in no way is it meant to be malicious:

You are worth entirely fg more than to be waiting on this abusive man hand and foot. I fear that this may just be the beginning for you. Once your married and he has another meltdown, who’s to say he won’t hit you next?

I’m not sure what your financial situation looks like or how logistically you could do this but, leave. Don’t ever look back. If you have true friends, they will help you.

Lastly, don’t ever stay silent. Always tell a trusted friend everything. You never know how this may help you.

tourisok writes:

This will become intolerable when you’re married. You’re on course for a domestic violence marriage because this is always how it starts, and you probably know how it ends. He will escalate the abuse.

Call it off and get some distance from him and his family. Real distance, not only emotionally, but physically as well. You still have your family and you’re going to need them to weather this, sooner or later, the sooner the better.

Betrothals and marriage do not make you responsible for his moods and daily existence. He’s going to need to figure it out on his own. If you’re not true partners (you aren’t right now) the power dynamic will always cause friction.

Leave. Run. Hide. Do whatever it takes, but don’t marry him. You have millions of timelines laid out in front of you, don’t take the abusive unhappy one. It’s not worth the personal growth, trust me, that’s just our silver lining after the past can’t be changed.

hmmmwhatif writes:

I know it is hard to believe right now, but calling off a wedding is way way WAY easier than divorcing afterwards. Imaging the emotional toll on everyone when you decide to leave him a year after the wedding, imagine there are kids involved.

I had married my “drunk”, and although he was not abusive, I divorced him 2 years after. It was very hard on me, no one could understand me, the amount of hate I got from his side and his family was horrible.

And I also knew something was wrong before the wedding, I knew about his drinking, but hoped it will not be a problem. I thought of calling the wedding off but was not strong or confident enough to do it.

Now in retrospect, that would have been soooo much easier. So my advice, get a support group, people you can trust and know that they will be on your side, there must be at least one person like that in your life.

Go in therapy to work with the guilt which I know you will feel (spoiler, absolutely destructive and unreasonable), and get a safe space where you can vent and rehearse all the difficult talks you will have.

Gently prepare your parents, share with them that you are not happy with this man, little by little adding more details of his abuse (shocking them right away is scary and might be bad at the moment when they are ill).

You still have time to do all this, just start soon. I feel for you! You should have the life full of happiness, not struggles. Allow yourself to have that.

soonsei writes:

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. But it is NEVER too late to leave. I don't care if it is months, days, or hours before your celebration. Doesn't matter if it's hours, months, or years after.

When you decide you need to leave, that you deserve better, that life's too short to spend it with a man like this, you leave. It will NOT be easy. But it will be better. From experience, I can tell you that any bad behavior before "marriage" will escalate after. Is this what you want to be dealing with 5 or 10 years from now?

Is this what you want to be dealing with when you are also dealing with kids? Now, for the hard questions: is this the example of a good relationship that you want your children to base their relationships on?

Do you want your boys to think that this is the right way to treat a woman? And do you want your girls to think that this is the best they can hope for in a man? Sometimes we don't have it in us to stand up for our own sakes, but we want the best for our kids, and that gives us strength.

diligentsort writes:

HE got drunk and threw up, and he expects you to clean up after him. Takes no responsibility for his actions and just blames you, then goes on a tirade about how YOU don't care about HIM??

But your parents are very sick, your grandmother just passed away, and his response is "but what have you done for meeeee???" Honey, I don't know where you live, but dowry or no dowry, he's a horrible husband-to-be if his only concerns are about him and his comfort.

Call the whole thing off, and consider yourself lucky that you found all this out before you married him. He's an alcoholic, and as the former wife of a raging alcoholic, trust me when I tell you it will get worse and you don't deserve to be shackled for life to an alcoholic who is at best just verbally abusive.

And they rarely stay "just" verbally abusive. It's just a matter of time before he escalates to physical abuse. Get out while you still can.

And now, OP's major update:

Hi guys. OP here. Hi! I’m from South Africa. You can just Google lobola to find out more about the custom.Thank you so much for all your comments and advice. To answer a few questions, in my culture, it is a normal practice to pay a dowery.

We refer to it as lobola in South Africa. It’s not being sold off, but rather a thank you to your future wife’s family for raising her. I am from the Sotho culture and he is from the Zulu culture.

With regards to the painkillers with alcohol, this was a bad decision from my part. I barely drink but I just wanted to let loose I guess. It’s been a stressful couple of months.

With regards to my fiancée and alcohol, we have had conversations where he’s admitted that he has a problem stopping sometimes. His drunk episodes don’t happen often, as he is learning how to limit himself.

He lost his mom a few years ago so the wedding process has brought up a lot of sadness and unresolved grief.

I think that contributed to his horrible behavior. I have set up a couples counselling session for tomorrow for us, just to see if there’s anyway to salvage this. If not, i will be contacting my family to let them know that the wedding is cancelled.

What are your thoughts on OP's dilemma? Should she give up on this marriage? What would YOU do in her situation?

Sources: Reddit
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