Woman backs out of friend's wedding after the bride calls her an 'uptight pick-me.' AITA?
"AITA for backing out of my friend's wedding when his fiancée called me 'uptight' and a 'pick-me?'"
My friend Sam (28M), his fiancée Cate (29F), and I (27F) went to Uni together for our Master's. Sam and I are both South-Asian and from the same community, so I was quite close to him during our early master's years, but then Sam met Cate, and out of respect for their relationship and that Cate was uncomfortable with me, I stepped away and minimized contact.
We remained friends and our families are close now. Sam is now engaged to Cate, and he asked me to be by his side and do some of the duties, the groom's sister usually does. I said yes, as he doesn't have sisters and his female cousins are very small (South-Asian weddings have various such rituals). Cate, for the first time in many years, finally seemed happy in my presence and told me she was glad I was helping at the wedding.
One of our uni friends, who is close friends with Cate, sent me a video that she secretly recorded where Cate was talking about me to her friends and I was honestly hurt by what she said. She called me an "uptight b" and that my husband was only with me because apparently, I could be the "stable wife" with the personality of a "stale cardboard."
She also told them that I was a "pick-me" and that I was always trying to get her MIL to purposefully not understand her and ruin her relationship with her in-laws. She was saying that she is only keeping me close to keep an eye on me and so that I cannot sabotage her further.
For context, her MIL doesn't speak or understand English. She only speaks our mother tongue, so I only speak to her in that language and Cate has made passive-aggressive comments about it all the time. I did not say a word all these years to either Sam or his family, because I felt it would ruin my relationship with them and Sam was happy with Cate so I didn't want to meddle either.
I showed the video to my husband and he was so mad that he was about to go to Sam's house and demand an apology. I was just so sad that I texted Sam that I could not be available to participate further in the rituals and that I was sorry for such short notice, but I think it would be better if we had limited contact for a while. My husband, however, was so mad that he didn't listen to me about letting it go, due to Cate's behavior all these years, and he called Sam and yelled at him and sent him the video, not before blocking him from our phones.
Today, Cate called me and asked me to talk to Sam, as he was mad at her, and his mum threatened to withdraw her blessing as she now considered Cate a vulgar woman. I told her off, and Sam apologized for all of this and said that he understood if I didn't want to talk to him again. I responded politely and he hung up. Now, I'm feeling guilty about potentially ruining Sam's wedding and my friendship with him and his family, and I think I could have handled this better. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Trick_Parsley_3077 said:
NTA…Cate has no one to blame for her current situation but herself. I find it interesting that a mutual friend of both you and Cate tape this particular conversation. So does this mutual friend not like Cate? At least now Sam knows what kind of person Cate is and can decide whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with someone like her! Nice to see you have a husband who has your back!
RadioTunnel said:
Sounds like Cate is the pick me girl if she doesnt surround herself with other girls "they'll have to pick me if im the only one!" NTA.
StarboardSeat said:
Better Sam sees Cate for who she is now, before marriage. You did Sam a favor. NTA.
Away-Giraffe2792 said:
NTA. If the fiancee is having any issues now then it's her own fault for her awful behavior. You did the right thing by backing out - why on earth would anyone wanna be involved in a wedding where the bride clearly hates them and is talking behind their back to everyone saying nasty stuff. Your husband sounds amazing though- he has your back and did exactly the right thing!
Auntie-Mam69 said:
NTA. That’s not a secret you should have to keep. The real Cate showed herself and it was ugly enough that one of her close friends outed her. You have done nothing wrong here.
Otherwise_Degree_729 said:
NTA. This is all on Cate. Hope Sam opens his eyes and sees Cate’s true colours before the marriage.
KiwiAtaahua said:
NTA and you have no reason for guilt. You've behaved gracefully throughout while Cate is reaping the rewards of being nasty and underhanded. Anything that results from this is the result of Cate's and Sam's decisions, not yours. Also, kudos to your husband (and your friend) for having your back. They sound like great people!