Woman bails on bridezilla after being demoted as MOH; 'I'm DONE with this wedding.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this woman is determined to get back at her bridezilla after being demoted as MOH she asks the internet:
"I'm bailing on this bridezilla after being demoted from MOH to bridesmaid? AITA?"
The wedding is in about 2 months. The bride had originally asked me to be MOH over a year ago. In that time I have gone through a lot of life changes but have tried to remain supportive and positive for her. But things really blew up.
I feel as though I’ve done my duties really well - I have gotten her a bridal subscription box, made sure to be present for the dress fitting, engagement party, and a random lunch with the bridesmaids, etc. I live about a 5 hour drive away, but I always made sure to find the time if possible.
I also planned a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. She asked we rent a cottage so I found one, paid the deposit, and organized rides. She asked for decorations so I bought those. One month before, she indicated that she didn’t want to do that anymore so I cancelled. She decided to just do something at her house.
All in all, I feel as I’ve done what is expected of me. She gave me a vague “I just don’t want you to feel stressed” reason, but if I had to guess why she demoted me, it’s a culmination of the following things:
She was really upset when I told her that I might have to work half a day on her wedding day. Her wedding is on a Tuesday at 6, and I would have been available at noon. I pulled some strings with my manager and managed to get the whole day off, which I informed her like a week later.
I’m going away for 3 weeks before the wedding. This is non-negotiable, I’m visiting my dad who I haven’t seen in 3.5 years and he lives a 10 hour plane ride away. I return a week before the wedding.
I couldn’t attend the joint bachelor/bachelorette because I got COVID. I have drawn some personal boundaries regarding what I’m willing to do. I am the only one that drives, and there have been times where I’ve had to say no to things.
Like the time the bridesmaids wanted to rent a place for the weekend and expected me to drive 5 hours to pick them up, then another 2 to the place. Or the time she wanted me to drive 5 hours into her town and take her to a salon.
Overall, I kinda feel like I’m only valued for the things I can do. It’s a very low key, small wedding, and I don’t think having a bridesmaid down will be a huge impact. I don’t think I would be invited as a guest. I feel like she's being a bit of a bridezilla. I just don’t want to feel like I’m there just to do services. AITA?
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
dream7 writes:
This sounds absolutely exhausting. Being a MOH is a responsibility, but it sounds like she made it into a chore, or like a job with a performance review.
I was in a pretty similar situation recently. I also put so much work, care and money into planning the (very out-of-the-way and expensive) bachelorette party that she expressed wanted, only for her to disregard those plans and switch it up at the very last minute.
I felt like she expected so much effort on my end but also reserved the right to toss it in the bin when she decided she wanted something different. I guess she did have the “right” to do what she wanted as a bride, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. I felt like I “failed” but I know I didn’t.
Know that you did a lot and you did your best. And your best would be enough for a great many people. What you’re going through is wounding. It’s not cool to have all these expectations for someone and then just treat them like an option.
it sounds like your friend views her MOH as a competition for who can best serve her rather than the closeness of the relationship. And that’s not your fault nor should it be your problem. I literally can’t imagine demoting someone who is supposedly your closest friend.
iron7 writes:
Demoted MOH, I wanted to drop in to tell you that you've made a commendable effort and I support what you're feeling. Unfortunately, some brides just suck and the occasion sends their judgment out the window. Bridezilla is a term for a reason, and some women earn the moniker!
I've been in 11 weddings, dropped out of one because I was buying a condo and my mortgage provider was hawking my spending (the bride never spoke to me again and crucified me in our friend group for eight years - see point about bridezillas), and now I am getting married. I, as a bride, have been in the opposite situation you are in.
My MOH lost her job, had an emotional breakdown, dropped the ball on collecting shower RSVPs, got covid and couldn't attend the shower, and isn't capable of planning my bachelorette or paying her own way. However, she is my best friend and because of that, I would never demote her.
From my own wealth of wedding experience, I think you should consider what you want this friendship to look like post-wedding, and act accordingly. If she truly would not invite you to the wedding as a guest if you were to leave the bridal party, consider what that says about the friendship's status.
Hold your boundaries, and act with your own best interest in mind. I am very sorry you're going through this.
moonstone6 writes:
Such great advice! OP I’m sorry the bride/bridesmaids are too wrapped up in themselves to see that they aren’t treating you well and appreciating what you have done for them so far. You even researched cheap train tickets for them - take the hint ladies: stop being so selfish.
I consider myself a thoughtful individual, so if you were my MOH I would be super appreciative to you for the things you have done. DEMOTED?! how f-g insulting. I don’t know if I could even go to that wedding if I were you. But totally understand if you do.
But I 100% agree with @MaterialGirl2186 picture what this friendship will be like post wedding - will you be able to let this shit go? Would you consider maybe having a discussion about how all this made you feel at the time when the bride is out of her wedding brain?
bizarry writes:
Hmm. The only thing I can understand from her is being a bit upset about you originally not having the wedding day off (I assume she had the date known well in advance?), but you remedied that, and the rest sounds like you’ve done way more than expected. So. It’s hard to understand what’s going on with her.
This whole post sounds like y’all aren’t that close which is odd considering you were originally MOH. Has anything else gone on outside of wedding stuff?
I agree with the commenter saying that if you drop out and aren’t invited as a guest (as you anticipate) then you’re accepting the end of this friendship. I think it’s totally up to you and that would be reasonable. This is really a lot for one person to be doing, it is kind of wild to me how out of control expectations for pre-wedding events have gotten..
dovakinda writes:
I think you’ve done more than what is reasonable, you’ve done everything she asked. You have sacrificed time, energy and effort into making this a great experience for her and I don’t know what else she could actually expect from you.
The things you’ve listed really fall outside of MOH duties or your realm of control. It would be incredibly unreasonable for her to hold that against you! I’m confused why she demoted you, it sounds like you have been an amazing MOH.
I would have an honest genuine conversation with her. You are 5 hours away so maybe a phone call is best, but if you are in town maybe try to get coffee. Explain why you feel it’s best to step down and maybe mention that you feel a little used and unappreciated.
You are not wrong to feel taken advantage of. She doesn’t seem to be grateful for any of the things you have done for her. The fact that she is so vindictive that she wouldn’t invite you to the wedding when you have sacrificed so much of your time and money to make her wedding special is outrageous. If she does not invite you this is not someone who should be in your life at all.
propo98 writes:
OP, If this wedding is the hill your friendship dies on then it wasn’t a friendship worth keeping.
I have had multiple friends let me know they can’t attend our wedding as they will be having a baby and you know what, I am bloody over the moon for them. I’m a bit sad they won’t be here but I’m so bloody happy for them.
My MOH and most bridesmaids have had very limited involvement as we all have very stressful/busy lives. They only need to sort a party out between them and I am OK with a backyard BBQ.
If I was in your shoes and I was ok to let the friendship go, I would just use similar wording that was used initially to Demote you (which was not justified IMO).
Along the likes of (I’m sure you will come up with something better :) ) Hey Bride, I’ve given my position in your bridal party lots of consideration. You deserve someone who can commit 100% and unfortunately I am not in a the place to do that for you.
I am very sorry if this has caused any inconvenience, however I am sure you’ll find the right person to join your team.
zelousideal writes:
Recently demoted MOH. I originally accepted the position years before. But when asked to be the MOH, I was proposed the position essentially because we both knew I know absolutely nothing about wedding responsibilities.
So tbh I know I didn’t meet up to the qualifications of the position, but it still sucks to feel this way . She still wants me to be one of her bridesmaids, but I honestly would feel so embarrassed to be in the wedding party. The past year of our almost decade long friendship has been rough. I’m not sure how to respond to this.
And now, OP's first update:
So I texted her a long message last night basically outlining what I said in my previous post. I told her I was very hurt by her decision. I mentioned that I didn’t feel valued, and that I was put aside the moment I stopped being “useful” to her.
I made sure to end my message by telling her that I don’t mean to guilt her, and that I’m sure new MOH would do a great job.
She texted me back this morning, and here’s the long and short of her complaints: I mentioned that my trip to see my dad is my priority. To me, an international trip to see a parent you haven’t seen since 2019 is much more important.
Even then, I made sure to book a ticket that got me back into the county WELL before her wedding. Had I chosen the ticket that got me back only 2 days before, I would have paid hundreds of dollars less.
Her asking me to drive 10 hours round trip to take her to a salon was a way for us to hang out and do a wedding thing together. I asked her if she considered the fact that her request would have cost me $200 minimum.
She said she had. This is a person who has never offered me gas money, even when I’ve driven her around for hours.
(I think this is the most ridiculous) we were in a girl’s trip last year, and I brought up a local friend and referred to them as my “best friend”. She told me that hurt her because she thought she was my best friend. I told her that I have many best friends and I don’t think it’s productive to pick one.
We’re taking some time to cool off, but I’ll be stepping down when we’ve had a few days. I think she’s definitely right about the fact that I can’t meet her expectations. We have a difference in values, I think you can have more than one priority, more than one important friend, and I don’t think it diminishes other things in you life.
Love is not a finite resource. Sharing it doesn’t diminish it, it makes it more special. Overall, I’m not really upset with her any more and I wish her the best. Thank you to everyone in this community for their advice.
Before we give you OP's final update, let's take a look at what readers thought about her first update:
fasta writes:
Genuinely, I would think about if this is the type of friendship you wish to continue to have.
I normally wouldn't suggest such a drastic thing, because I believe people can have differences and work on them between each other however it really seems like she has not considered you and your needs (or wants) and thinks all of your time needs to be devoted to her.
The least she could do is pay for your gas, especially if you're going to be driving 10+ hours, but the fact that she considered it and still didn't do it is very very rude.
I don't think you deserve to be treated like this, and the bride needs a real wake up call on how to be a better friend. Wedding or not, you can still treat people especially someone she claims she considered her best friend with a lot of respect and support.
The fact she got upset that you prioritized seeing your dad, is a little ridiculous considering how much you've done for her before and after.
Think about it, talk to her about it after the wedding. She may had a serious case of bridezilla but I think this is more of an eye-opening experience.
utter4 writes:
As others have said, it's bonkers she thinks she should be the priority over seeing your parent, especially when the days themselves don't overlap.
But as for the whole having more than one best friend, here's my opinion on this kind of stuff: My mother died unexpectedly when I was young. It was awful. And then when I was 17 my dad got remarried to an amazing woman.
If you believe people only have one soul mate, does that mean my dad lost his, or that my mother wasn't his because my step mom is? Both of those are really sad thoughts. So I don't believe people only have one soul mate. And I extend that to other areas of my life.
You don't have to have only one best friend or only one favorite aunt or cousin. People fill different parts of your life in different ways. My husband is easily my best friend, but honestly, my cousin that lives down the road from us who I spend a ton of time with is ALSO my best friend.
So is the woman I've known for almost 10 years that I used to work with, who I don't live in the same state anymore, but who I talk to almost EVERY day. She's also my best friend. Do I have to stop calling any of those people my best friend because I like my husband a whole lot? I don't think so.
carrieokay writes:
I’m sorry, but are you guys teenagers? Because adults know you can have more than one best friend and don’t get jealous when people they love have more good people to love them.
OP, you handled this really well. Her priorities don’t seem to align with yours and that’s ok. Friendships can grow and change, together or apart. Sometimes you just need a break to breathe and you can come back together.
My BFFs all live within 15-20 mins of me (wo traffic) and I see them each twice a year most of the time. And they don’t have issues with my having a BFF group. Just as I don’t take issue with theirs.
And now, OP's final update:
A few people were interested in how my story ended. It’s a bit anti-climactic, but thought I’d update anyway.
I messaged my friend and let her know I could no longer be part of her bridal party. I told her that I felt taken advantage of, and like I was being demoted as a punishment. I also told her that I found it possessive to be mad for 8 months at me for calling someone else a best friend.
It took her a few days to respond but this was her answer: “Well it seems like you have made your decesion and I do respect it but, at the same time I would like to revoke your invite to my wedding.
I feel like we have been growing apart and it just seems like we do not see eye to eye on values. I was trying to take some stress off of you.
Maybe I should have mentioned earlier on about the friend situation but, I did not want to start any problems. I hope and wish you the best of luck in your life and I am sorry that our friendship ended this way.”
She texted me this in the middle of the night, and by the time I saw it, I saw I was blocked on everything and removed from all the group chats.
This isn’t the first time she has cut me off for some banal reason, but I’m done. I have poured so much time and money into this friendship, and the one time I need something back, I’m treated like trash.
I can’t thank this community enough for making me see reason and validating my feelings of being used. You guys are awesome.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's final update:
09hatti writes:
I am so sad that you had to go through this. You're likely much better off without someone like that in your life! I don't know if you've ever had a major friendship end, but I just want to note that you might miss her sometimes...
and you might wish you had handled things differently sometimes, but that ultimately it doesn't mean that you regret that the friendship is over or that it was wrong or a bad thing for you to need out of it.
I had a friendship end that needed to end for my well being where I simply could not be what that friend needed in terms of time, financial involvement, commitment (ie putting the friendship before my husband every single time).
I was in a serious time of transition/instability/trauma in my life and the friend basically didn't care that there were necessary constraints on my time and money as a result of that.
Sometimes I think about how I wish I could have worked out those issues more communicatively/without ending the friendship, or how I wish I had handled the very very end of the friendship differently (not that you handled this situation badly at all, these are just my examples)...
or how I just miss having her in my life in a balanced way and am sad she probably hates me now. Your mileage may vary.
If you ever have those feelings, have compassion for yourself, remember the good and the history of the friendship fondly (while recognizing that it was healthy for you that it ended!), and be grateful for the good friends in your life who don't treat you like this and see your value and the value of your life outside of the friendship.
felony7 writes:
WOW. I am so sorry your losing a friend, but this really is for the best. 5 hour drives??? Holy sh*t just Uber and you can be on zoom! I’m getting married and I absolutely do not expect this from my MOH and she’s like 30 mins away…but she also has 3 kids and life. I literally want to make the job as easy as possible for her.
I can promise you who ever was “promoted” to MOH won’t live up to her insane expectations either. It’s really sad for me to read how many rifts and ends of relationships are caused over weddings.
Truly. I am leaning toward a black wedding dress and 90% of the people in my life have tried to talk me out of it. It’s a dress for christ sake…who cares!? The whole thing is just befuddling. Im sending you lots of love and healing vibes!
linerva writes:
Whoah. This lady basically wanted to use you as a long distance taxi when it suited her, and was mad that you had a life outside of dealing with her wedding. Her expectations were impossible. She demoted you for not running around enough after her ass. None of what she expected should have been expected of a MOH to begin with.
I'm so done with this idea that you should expect your wedding party's life to revolve around you for the entire pre wedding period. I'm tired of this idea that their comfort, time and money dont matter because it's your day and because everything needs to he how the bride and groom want it.
If what the bride and groom want is incredibly selfish or inconvenient then that is not ideal and they should understand if people decline.