'AITA for leaving a dinner party after a girl sat on my husband's lap?' UPDATED

"AITA for leaving a dinner party after a girl sat on my husband's lap?"

I am still so shook with everything so sorry for my rambling. My husband (Jake) and i have been married for 3 years and from the beginning he was very close with his best friend's sister (Cindy) (18f).

Well my husband would often talk about her and tell how he had seen her grow up throughout the years. Cindy is always very bubbly and seems very fond of Jake as well. I remember when we were dating she would ask to come along on our dates a lot.

I never really said anything as i liked spending time with her as well. She was like a little sister to me. When we announced our engagement she asked to my husband to "better not forget her" after being a married man and to still hang out with her.

Well we got married and i even made her my bridesmaid. Soon we moved to a different state and kind of lost contact. Now Jake's best friend came to stay with us for sometime and cindy came along as well. Now the moment she saw us the first thing she said was how hot my husband has gotten and she was glad he didn't look like those boring married men.

Then throughout their stay cindy would just ignore my presence and will be way too close with jake. I told jake that it was looking a bit inappropriate and to ask cindy to tone it down, but he said that cindy is just a bit childish and is that way with everybody.

Well at their last day we decided to host a dinner party for everybody. During the party i was with jake when cindy came and told me "oh i need to steal ur husband for a while" and before i could say something she grabbed jake's hand and took him for playing games.

I ignored it since it was their last day, but then throughout the dinner she was getting way too close with jake and would just drag him away whenever i would be around while giggling at me. When everybody sat for dinner i sat beside jake and cindy came last. She then said "oh there is no seat" and then just went and sat on my husband's lap.

Everybody was surprised and jake's said laughing "cindy stop acting like a kid, u r not a kid anymore". Cindy started laughing saying it was a joke and got up and sat on other seat while giggling at me.

Yeah i was so angry with the disrespect, and with the fact that Jake was so cool with it, but i didn't wanna say anything bad so i excused myself took my car and went out. About 1hr later jake called me asking where i was.

I told him i am going to my friend's house and i will come after cindy has left. I know what i did was terrible but i was so angry at that time that if i had stayed there any longer i would have probably started fighting or crying. I came the next day and cindy and her family had left.

Jake was very pissed and said i took things too far. I started crying and told him how everything made me feel. He said i was horrible to think such things about cindy and that she was like his sister. I told him that i was not doubting his intentions but i was hurt by how disrespectful Cindy's behaviour was and he was enabling her by not saying anything.

He started saying that i sound ridiculous and couldn't even take a joke (referring to the sitting on lap incident). I said regardless i don't want her in my house again.

To top it off cindy sent a message saying that she was sorry about making me so insecure in myself, and that she would make sure to make me feel better, but i should not have left as it was pretty childish and kind of spoilt the mood. It felt so backhanded, i didn't reply anything to her.

I just told my husband he needs to maintain a distance with cindy. He asked if i was giving him an ultimatum, i said if he will go as far as disregard and disrespect my feelings for Cindy?

This really rubbed my husband the wrong way and he said since i have such disgusting thoughts in my mind, and is giving him an ultimatum anyways, then he might as well leave because he cannot live with such an insecure person who has such disgusting thoughts about him. He packed a bag and left to his mother's place.

I have tried apologising numerous times, telling how sorry i am for everything, but he is ignoring my texts and calls.

Later Cindy's brother texted me and called me a bunch of names to think like that about his sister saying jake should just leave me and a disgusting person like me deserves to be alone. I could not stop crying after that. Idk how to fix this. Is there a way to even come back? Was i so wrong to deserve this? Idk anymore.

Edit- People who are asking our ages, we are 25 yo, just months apart.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

travels asks:

Do you have any connection with the brother's gf? Maybe it's not a good idea, but I'm just wondering if it's worth texting her to ask "am I crazy? She was being inappropriate, right? Just trying to get another outside perspective"

But, I don't know the relationship you have with her, that could make things worse, depending. I think you're NTA for sure. Your husband should take your side over his own family, let alone a girl clearly flirting with him who he claims to see as a "sister".

OP responded:

I was so overwhelmed with everything and just so embarrassed that i didn't want to talk to anybody about it, but now i will definitely reach out to other people who were there and ask them about what happened after i left and what they think of the situation.

stat says:

"cindy sent a message saying that she was sorry about making me so insecure in myself." What a nasty piece of work she is.

cocohwe asks:

Am I the only who find sus that it took the husband an damn hour to realize his wife was missing? Guess he was distracted.

livin81 says:

The fact that he dismissed her feelings is such a red flag for me. If my wife told me she got the ick about a situation my first priority is to make her feel comfortable. If that means my best friend can’t bring his sister over for the rest of their stay then so be it. I plan on spending forever with her and I’ll be damned if this type of situation gets in the way of that.

Update from OP:

Thank you all for responding and people who gave me good advices in personal messages. I couldn't read all the comments, but now i know my feelings are valid and boundaries were crossed by cindy.

Now during the dinner there was Cindy, her brother shawn and his GF, and their cousin derek (also a good friend of my husband) with his bf. So i called derek and asked about the situation and what happened after I left.

He was sympathetic and said that after I left at first they thought i would come back after sometime however things were really awkward, but when i didn't come, shawn's gf told cindy that she was so disrespectful for doing that. Derek and his bf also said the same thing.

To this Cindy started crying saying they didn't have to corner her and attack her over a silly joke, that she didn't know it would get so out of hand. She then left the room while crying. Jake didn't know what to say and everybody left early the next day.

Derek also told that cindy has always had issues with boundaries and when he introduced his bf to everybody Cindy would get too close and would joke that she was just checking if he was really gay. They were really uncomfortable with it as well so derek confronted her, to which Cindy rolled her eyes and said they can't take a joke and eventually stopped.

This all sounds so bizarre, idk what's going on with cindy. Shawn's gf also texted me saying she was sorry for what happened. I told him how shawn's message was inappropriate, but she had no idea about the text, so i sent her a screenshot and asked her to tell shawn to not harass me again. She was very apologetic and said she would talk to him.

Now my mil called and asked what was going on as jake didn't tell her and only said we had an argument, i was a bit hesitant to tell but eventually told everything. She was furious at my husband. She said they will be coming to have a talk. So yeah i am just waiting for them to arrive and really nervous.

Idk if what i did was right or wrong but we will see. As for people saying they are having an affair, i know this is furthest from the truth. I never questioned his intentions, but what hurt me was the lack of respect from Cindy towards me.

Here's what people had to say after the update:

agoa9u says:

NTA. I think the relationship is over. Imo this whole thing with Cindy has been weird right from the beginning. She's not his sister, she's a non-related young woman who has got way too close to your husband. Just because they have one important connection (her brother) doesn't make this whole "she's a little sister" play any more normal.

okabb says:

NTA. Get some counseling with your husband. He got some learning to do.

aga12pp says:

Honestly, it's the blatant gaslighting that's disgusting. He made you feel like you needed to apologise for your behaviour when he was 100% wrong too.

poalghut says:

he's cheating girl. that's why he was being so ridiculous and so quick to leave. He didn't want you asking questions.

Later OP came back with another update:

UPDATE2- So my mil came with my husband and well the "talk" happened. There were a lot of things but i will try to summarize. Basically jake apologised to me first and tried to explain his pov.

He said that he was angry because (a) I left without saying anything for the whole night when he was literally trying to just diffuse the situation and tried to laugh it off because it was so awkward he didn't know what else to do, but instead of communicating i just left him in that weird situation.

He was meeting his friends after such a long time, and just wanted the dinner to be peaceful and Cindy was going back anyways and we would most likely never meet her again. (B) He acknowledged Cindy was indeed overstepping boundaries but he didn't know how to bring it up since he has literally seen her growing up and she is like a little sister to him, also she acts like that with everyone.

He thought that it was just for a few days and he wanted no drama during their stay so he would just brush it off. He did acknowledge he was wrong about not saying anything. (C) He was already really worried and sad because how i just left with no explanations. Even after i came not once i asked how he felt.

He was also very overwhelmed with everything and felt i was accusing him for not doing anything when he literally pushed her off as politely as possible when she tried to sit. He felt i was attacking his character and even gave the ultimatum, which made him so sad as he felt if i thought that less of him.

It wasn't about cindy, but about how easy it was for me to question his sincerity. He said after that dinner he was going to go extremely LC with her anyways. (D) he apologised for not speaking up about the disrespect cindy was showing towards me and for also leaving like that.

Then after jake said everything mil explained jake about the situation from her perspective. She scolded him a lot as well. In short, she told him that as a husband it was his responsibilty to make me feel like i am his priority, and that he disappointed me the moment I had to come to him to ask for establishing boundaries.

As a husband it was his duty that i never would have to come to him about this in the first place. She also asked him how he would have felt, had it been a guy on my lap, and he had no answer to it. She told him how what i did was an eruption of suppressed feelings and as a husband it was his duty to go afer me and never let me leave in the first place.

There were a lot of things said by her and jake seemed to realise and sincerely apologised for his actions. She told him if he ever pulled such stunt ever again, then to not expect her to take him in.

Later, she took me for a walk. It was just the two of us, and there she explained some things to me as well. She said that she is sorry for everything, but told that even at her house jake was distraught. He didn't tell her because he most likely knew he was wrong too but was overwhelmed about everything as well.

She said she in no way excusing her son's behaviour, but would hope that i would forgive him. She also said that in no circumstances i need to leave my house as it was my house and my family. She said i shouldn't be afraid in speaking my mind if anything makes me uncomfortable, and to talk to her if jake does something stupid again and she will "set him straight".

She hoped we work it out since she has seen our love for each other, and it would be sad to see us split up due to some disrespectful brat (her words). She said she cannot have a say in our issues, but suggested that we should get counselling to understand each other better.

She even bought ice cream for me (i know its a bit childish but she said sweet things work as a charm when people are upset, and well she was right😅)

Well it was awkward at night. Jake came to our room and we didn't know what to say. After a while we talked and both apologised to each other. However i did tell that i was angry at him to tell everything to shawn and was deeply hurt by the text he sent me. He said he didn't know what i was talking about and i showed him the texts.

He said he didn't tell shawn about our fight, and only told him that he was at mom's place. He called shawn and well it turns out shawn told cindy and told her how she went too far at the party. Then cindy made a huge sob story about how i was passive agressive with her the whole time, how i would always try to question her character, and act insecure and jealous.

She even went on to say that i was always like that with her even when she was a kid and that i never liked her and always tried to manipulate people into thinking i was an angel while she was a s$*t. Well that made him angry to think how i have been treating Cindy and he sent those texts.

Jake and I were baffled by such accusations and he tried to explain shawn how it wasn't true but then jake just let it be and decided to go no contact with Cindy and extremely LC with shawn. Jake apologised again and we just cuddled and slept. Well cindy is out of our lives for good now and we have decided to go counselling for better communication in future.

Let's see how everything goes in future but yeah we are not getting divorced. I know a lot of you people wanted me to show jake this post, but he was so sad and got scolded a lot already, so i decided to not show him for now. Maybe in future. Sorry for all this rambling😅. Have a good day people.

EDIT- I read people saying we should be NC with shawn too, and i felt that it would be best to let that friendship go as well, so i talked to my husband about it, and he agreed. So he sent a text to shawn stating we could not be friends with him and then blocked him as well.

To clarify, I have somewhat forgiven jake for his action but i told him he needs to rebuilt the trust i had, so i know i can rely on him in situations like that. He agreed and we will get couple's counselling as well. That you all for your advice, u all made me feel less lonely in all of this.