Woman bans fiancé's 'best friend' from wedding, 'it's him or me.' AITA?

"AITA- for not wanting my fiancé's 'best friend' at our wedding? It's him or me."

I (35F) am engaged to my fiance (Cole-36 M) and he has a childhood best friend (Jay 36 M). Jay has been nothing but disrespectful and horrible ever since I met my now fiance.

When we first met, I had a 1 child and Jay would constantly make remarks about it to Cole and be extremely disrespectful. I found out Jay was telling him he shouldn't date people with kids, and that I've been around etc., and because I'm probably promiscuous.

Cole should just try to make some money off of me (this is the really INSANE comment, I'll always remember and think of whenever I hear his name!) Keep in mind I had never met or spoke to Jay before.

This all stemed from him not wanting Cole to talk to someone with a kid. I was furious when I found out what he was saying, like wtf is wrong with your friend. Cole would always dismiss it and make excuses for him, like oh that's just Jay, Jay's crazy, he doesn't matter, etc...

And would try to laugh it off. Eventually we broke up and got back together a few years later and Jay popped up again, with the same b.s as before. He got my phone number (which had to have been from Coles phone), and would text me calling me every names, and just being overall degrading and disrespectful.

I let Cole know and told him he needed to handle the situation because there's NO reason why he should have my number or feel comfortable enough to say what he's saying.

The last straw was when I got an angry call from Cole out of nowhere and he's furious and yelling, as I'm trying to figure out why he's so angry. He tells me I've been cheating and telling me crazy details that never happened.

This came out of left field and I had no idea what he was talking about. He proceeds to tell me I'm lying because I'm not admitting to it. After awhile of arguing, he finally says that Jay let him know!

That Jay let him know I've been cheating and sleeping around with who knows who, that he told him theres a video of me in the act and Jay saw it! I immediately see red because he's crossed so many lines and boundaries at this point!

And now we're arguing about completely made up situations! So I call his bluff and demand to see the video, and pics, etc. Cole, still furious, admits he hasn't seen the video or pics and that Jay hasn't shown him the proof YET (because it doesn't exist!).

Anyway he believed his friend because he thinks his friend wouldn't lie to him, this of course caused a very emotional argument resulting in us breaking up. Jay lived with his sister, who was home hearing Jay's whole conversation (I've also never met or talked to his sister).

She calls Cole to let him know that Jay made up the whole thing to piss him off and make us break up because he doesn't like me and was at home thinking up ways to make Cole mad at me.

She felt the need to get involved and let Cole know because she was hearing how upset he was and thought he should know the truth. He comes back and admits to me that Jay was lying and he's sorry for not believing me but for me the damage was already done. Trust had been broken too much for me and too many lines had been crossed.

Fast forward 4 years, we cross paths again. We're now in are 30s and different people than before. We give it another try. After a year he proposed and we're engaged.

During wedding talk, he brings up Jay and I let him know I don't want him at the wedding, I've told him this countless times now and he would laugh it off. I'm not sure if he thought I would just let it go and forget or what. He also keeps saying that Jay has supposedly apologized and says he barely remembers what happened back then.

Our wedding is now 2 months away. Cole tells me last week via text, that he's going to invite Jay. I reply- no, Jay is not invited. He says that he's not going to leave one of his best friends out of HIS wedding.

I remind him it's also MY wedding; it's OUR wedding and I'm not going to have someone I don't like and that disrespected me the way he did, at my wedding. Now his defense is that it was along time ago. That it was in the past and I need to let it go because Jay told him he was sorry and barely remembers.

Well I remember and I don't accept his 3rd party apology. He told me I'm picking a fight and he's not going to argue about it, that he's inviting him. He told me that I don't have to talk to Jay at the wedding and Jay won't talk to me. I'm truly baffled about why he thinks that's a solution and ok.

I told him I'm not going to have a wedding where I can't talk to everyone. Why would I be ok with having someone at my wedding that I have to avoid. He keeps saying that he told Jay that we won't speak to each other at the wedding, and I need to let it go.

I got fed up and a little petty and told him to figure out his priorities for the wedding. Is the priority his future WIFE or his childhood best friend!? That if his main focus is his friend being there, then I can change the name of the invites to Jay & Cole, I can update the guests, and I hope the 2 of them have a great wedding together! If Jay's there, then I won't be.

The more I think about it and how much he's dismissing my feelings and fighting for his friend to be there, the more angry I'm getting about it. AITA because this was years ago and I don't accept his apology or want him around me?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Sebscreen said:

NTA. But seriously, you are making such a huge mistake. Forget Jay, your own fiance has done egregious and outright unacceptable things over and over and over again, and you still want to marry him?!

fly1away said:

Do not marry this man. The end. NTA.

BKRF1999 said:

YTA for accepting all of this. You've broken up several times with this man and clearly he's fighting more for his friend than he is you. Like what aren't you understanding?

LurkerBerker said:

YTA to yourself for keeping this kind of person in your life after seeing he hasn’t cut his crazy lying friend off years ago. i feel like that should’ve been one of the first things you asked when ‘reconnecting.'

Are you still friends with the person that clearly hates my existence and was willing to lie to you and hurt you to get rid of me?” That you let this get to an engagement is beyond me.

Graphite57 said:

You are better off with neither of them in your life. It doesn't matter what your fiance tells you now, his best friend isn't you and it'll only end in tears. Jay has ruined your relationship another time, this time, by saying nothing, it's the attitude towards him that's killing you. NTA.

Eloisa_Heavenly said:

NTA. Your fiance should respect your feelings and understand why you don't want Jay at your wedding. Jay has been nothing but disrespectful and harmful towards you, and it's reasonable for you to not want him present on your special day.

Mishy162 said:

NTA. But you are making a big mistake marrying Cole. If he really cared about you Jay would not be a part of his life, by still being friends with him and wanting him at the wedding is condoning his past behaviour. Why would you marry someone who see's nothing wrong with Jay's behavior?