Me and my sisters "Regina" (46f) and "Lydia" (37f) were all born in Scotland and we moved to the United States a while ago. I eventually got married and had two children, "Sage" (25f) and "Kevin" (31m).
Me and my husband (58m) went back to Scotland and raised Kevin there the first few years of his life and did the same with Sage.
Eventually we moved back to the USA and settled down there once again. Now our family lives in the same area (except our parents who still reside in Scotland), and we're always in touch and make it a habit to get together often, which is when we met Lydia's boyfriend Carlos (32m). Yes, I am using his real name because I do not give a flying muffin about this man or his privacy anymore.
At first he seemed like a good guy and he makes Lydia happy which is really all I want for her. Lydia brought him along to our gatherings (dinner, game nights, etc) for a few months and it was all good. The first time stuff with Carlos felt off was when he started asking a lot about Scotland and people from Scotland.
Sure, a few questions would be normal but it was literally all he could talk about. Every time we tried to change the subject he managed to direct it back to Scotland. Lydia insisted he was only curious but it was still odd. Then after that he started making jokes about Scottish stereotypes.
The amount of haggis jokes at family dinners was unbearably awkward especially because we were not serving haggis, actually all of us find it appalling. And there was some more jokes centered around stereotypes and whenever one of us would get upset he said "Jeez, don't get your kilt in a wad." Somehow Lydia is unbothered by this and finds it funny.
Then at the last few family events I went to, my two children "Sage" (25f) and "Kevin" (31m) came along and it got worse. A lot worse. Carlos completely bombarded my kids with questions on how they are both Black, Scottish and British (my husband is Black and from Britain) at the same time and he seemed to be in disbelief that Black Scottish and British people exist. And that conversation was quickly cut short by Lydia who is pretty much the only one who can stop him from saying this stuff.
Recently Sage called me and said that Carlos somehow got her and Kevin's numbers and was calling them to ask more about her and her brother's ethnicity. I called Lydia immediately and asked if she gave Carlos their numbers and she seemed as surprised as me and said she didn't, which is creepy as there is nobody else I can think of who would give out my kids' numbers to Carlos.
Both of my kids blocked his number and I think he got the message. Sage and Kevin have still been rightfully refusing to come to family gatherings if Carlos is there. Carlos has been apparently on his "best behavior" according to Lydia, but my kids still don't want to come. And you know why? He started calling them again. But Lydia doesn't believe them and Carlos is denying it.
Me and Regina decided to have a talk with Lydia about it and I said that Carlos is harassing my kids and that we won't tolerate him our homes or at the gatherings anymore.
We told her that she's welcome to come if she leaves him behind, or she's welcome to host and have nobody attend. She got very upset and said that Carlos never called Sage and Kevin, and that we were being ridiculous.
Carlos actually reminds me of my husband's ex girlfriend who stalked my family for a long while and the first creepy thing she started doing was calling me over and over again.
At first Carlos's questions about our family were just weird, but now it's getting downright creepy and stalkery. I want to keep having family gatherings, but I don't want Carlos there, and I don't really see any possibility of Lydia coming alone anymore. I miss having my kids there and am done with Carlos's obsession with them. AITAH?
NTA. I would have shut this down quite a while ago. Too bad he knows where you live. It would be incredibly easy to show Lydia that her creeper bf IS calling your kids. IS texting them. There is something really off about Lydia as well. She seems to enjoy him fetishizing her. She gets to do that on her own time, not yours.
NTA. Your kids can report phone harassment to the police. Since they won’t be anywhere Carlos is, you and your husband should feel free to confront him. He’ll most certainly deny it, but you can make him uncomfortable.
If you don’t want him at family gatherings, say so, and let it be known you’ll call the police if he shows up. It’s time to stop being polite. Your sister can defend him all she likes, but she needs to be told in no uncertain terms that she will be just as unwelcome in your home if she insists on pushing that man on you.
NTA. Protect your family. Either he's racist or he's developed some other really unhealthy fixation with your kids, but whatever it is, you have every right to protect your family from him.
hugs, NTA. It sounds like Carlos has issues with the fact that the UK has "OMG Black Brits not just White Brits" and that you married one. How he got your adult children's phone numbers is probably from Lydia's phone when she put it down.
His behavior is practically stalkerish and it wouldn't surprise me if he knows where your two children live and ends up at their homes or workplaces because he sounds that unhinged. Lydia is in denial, just have family events without them and let her and Carlos stew knowing he screwed up.
NTA. A bit extreme but you could file for a restraining order if it comes to it. Then he legally can't come or call.
NTA, he started out poorly and has gone straight downhill.