Woman begs bride-to-be to take down bachelorette party photos from Instagram; bride refuses; 'But these will RUIN my reputation.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman is livid with her bride-to-be friend about her bachelorette photos, she asks the internet:

"AITA for asking my friend to take down her bachelorette party photos?"

To start this off I am a muslim woman who wears the hijab. I cover my hair and most of my body. I do not judge those who don't do the same, nor do I try to impose my beliefs onto others. Everyone will have their own personal journeys, and just as I know I'm not perfect, I can't judge others for it either.

I (23F) recently went to a friends bachelorette party. Women only, no drinks, just girls being girls and celebrating a friends soon to be marriage. Maya (24F) has been a friend of mine since kindergarten and I'm more than happy to be a part of such a big part of her life.

She isn't religious, but she accepts my views and even going to let me wear a more modest style abaya as her maid of honour. This is to say Maya understands the hijab and what it means to me, or so I thought.

At the party, I took it off as it was just women. We were going to sleep over anyways so I don't think anyone was expecting me to sleep in the thing. I always find it funny how they react when they get to see my hair, like I'm secretly Repunzel or something.

We watched a movie, took photos and videos, and generally had a good time. I had no problems with the photos being taken, since my friends are usually respectful and don't post them anywhere. It just stays in our groupchat. We went to sleep and the next day everything was normal. We cleaned up and I drove home, finally checking my phone.

I opened instagram to the tagged icon and checked it to see myself and the girls on Mayas public account. I quickly messaged Maya asking her to take it down before anyone else saw, as I couldn't control whether or not some guy was going to see her post, and she refused saying that there were no other good photos of her.

I asked her to simply crop me out or even draw over my hair and neck but she said that it would look wrong and that I'm overreacting. I insisted I wasn't and that she knew that I couldn't show my hair to just anyone. Instead of responding to me, she took it to the groupchat as some sort of "counsel".

Half of them agreed that she shouldn't have posted a photo of me without my hijab and a couple others told me I was overreacting and no one cared besides me. I should note that one of the most vocal of them who disagreed generally doesn't like me so she would have disagreed regardless of what I said.

Most of us ar urging her to take down the post, and now she's claiming we're putting her under a lot of stress with the wedding only a week away, but I don't see what that has to do with this. Am I really being unreasonable for wanting to be respected? AITA?

Edit: There were about 40 photos and I was only in 6 of them. People are under the impression that I was in every photo taken. I wasnt, yet I was in almost half of which were posted. All of the ones posted were candids. AITA?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

fagahu writes:

NTA - if she wasn’t in all pics and the bride has plenty of pics to post from without OP the choice to include a bunch that did violate OPs boundary definitely makes the bride the AH.

Unpopular but ESH - your not the AH for not wanting pics of you your hair showing online, but it does feel like maybe it should have been YOUR responsibility to make your preference clear when you were taking the pics.

You stated that you guys “watched a movie, took photos and video” during that evening. So these weren’t just candid shots, but you’re implying posed group shots or something along those lines as well. It’s pretty common for people to post pics of their bachelorette parties, even low key ones without alcohol.

If you knew your preference for privacy then you should have spoken up, or maybe kept your hair covered for some pics so that she would have some to post.

I agree with most comments that she’s being unreasonable to not crop you out or block out your hair, but you have now left her with only odd edited pics of her bachelorette because of your privacy preference if she chooses to honor your preference/belief.

That’s a bit selfish on your part. I get where you’re coming from, but it would stink to not be able to share pics of a big event like that without noticeable edits.

Clearly your friend is supportive of your religion if she’s letting you dress as you like during the wedding, but I think taking the pics without your hair covered (knowing the reality that people post pics of bachelorette parties) might have implied to her you didn’t mind in that instance. I do think it was your duty to speak up though as it’s your religious preference for privacy that needs to be respected.

agah90 writes:

ESH. OP, Why did you think when she was taking pictures that these wouldn't be posted online? And put on your hijab for the pictures? Or at least ask if she was expecting to post these online.

Given how much people post pictures they take online these days, it's a reasonable assumption to make your friend wanted to share those pictures. It's your choice to wear the hijab and as such you should be more proactive about this?

Also why is someone seeing a picture of you without hijab at a party where only women were present bad? It's not like there were men at the party. (just trying to grasp this, since at the party itself not wearing hijab is allowed)

On the other hand yes she should at least photos hop the pictures so your hair can't be seen now after the fact, since there was a lack of communication.

okthrow writes:

YTA. For photos in general, you'd have been correct. But formal wedding-related activities are occasions where the default for guests is to expect to both be photographed, and for the photographs to be shared publicly.

I'm surprised that you didn't expect a young woman to post bachelorette party photos online. That's on you for taking off your hijab without explicitly verifying that the hostess was done taking public photos for the evening.

(In the comments, you say that this is a "personal thing" for you, which suggests to me that you may have a slight misunderstanding of Islamic law that applies here. Sharia is fundamentally not a personal thing; the rules are pretty much fixed, even if our understanding of them is imperfect.

In general, it is the person sharing the photos or viewing them - not the woman in the image - who is potentially guilty of immorality. To demonstrate this idea, think about the Starbucks Mermaid.

Sharia is pretty clear that advertisements including this female company mascot are haram. Is Islamic law saying that the Starbucks Mermaid is personally guilty of immorality? Of course not! She is a fictional character!

While Sharia always prefers that images of uncovered women do not exist, the reality is that such a standard is impractical. The Fiqh of this matter - and Islamic rulings back this up - provides significant exceptions for instances like yours.

You should take a deep breath and accept this as a minor misunderstanding that is one of the hazards of living in a non-Muslim country. You should also withdraw your request and apologize to your friend.)

Edit: OP states in the comments that she is an Iraqi Muslim living in a Western country; I adjusted my comment to reflect that.

aghaiuo writes:

ESH. You and your friend should have discussed this before the party. It's a bachelorette party, chances of any pictures going up on social media is high, very high. 99% high chance.

Most brides post pictures from their bachelorette party online, even if they rarely post anything. She's excited for her upcoming wedding and is going to be sharing her excitement with friends and family online.

Considering you've known your friend for years she definitely should have informed you of her intentions of photos being posted online and should have checked with you before those pictures were taken and then the two of you could have...

organised/spoken about what pictures to do to post online (this would have had her looking good for the pictures and would have respected your religion) and then the rest for the group chat.

The other thing is, you should have informed your friend that you would be uncomfortable of pictures online with your hair showing due to religious reasons, ( that you would be fine wearing your hijab for some of the pictures for the ones that would be online. she's not religious so she's not going to think about it, and she's going to be focusing on her upcoming wedding)

Problem was, there was a lack of communication between both of you.

fighserman writes:

How is this even a discussion?? Absolutely NTA!! Also I’m so sorry you were disappointed in such a shitty way by your “friend”. How can anyone in 2024 not understand what a violation this is.

You opened up to them and shared your most vulnerable self and they splash it online, violating your religion. I’m so sorry. I feel terrible this happened.

I grew up near Dearborn Michigan and I gotta tell you I don’t know a single non Muslim around me that doesn’t understand what a huge issue this is. I really hope she does the right thing. I also hope this doesn’t discourage you from opening up in the future.

keshs0 writes:

ESH. Bride is being a a$$. No ifs and buts. Posting those photos is a gross violation of your privacy and intimacy, not unlike someone else posting a photo of her in a locker room, adjusting for “western” standards.

She doesn’t NEED pics of her bachelorette on social media (no one does, unless you’re being paid for it), so which pictures she looks good in is immaterial. But even regardless of that, you can always report a photo to IG/FB, if you’re in it and don’t want it posted for whatever reason. Do that, first of all.

That being said, I don’t wish to victim blame you, OP. Everyone does silly stuff with friends and most people will take pictures of that for the memory, with the unspoken assumption that they won’t get shared.

Still, if something strikes as particularly funny or novel, it’s naive to assume no one outside the group will know, even if nothing gets posted on social media.

If your friends don’t share your values (which seems obvious at this point), and they are actively surprised by a glimpse of your hair, we can safely assume that their boyfriends, crushes, brothers, or fathers will see those pictures regardless of social media. If that’s not something you can be comfortable with, don’t let your picture be taken.

Update 1 (with comments and responses from OP):

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: ESH. OP, Why did you think when she was taking pictures that these wouldn't be posted online? And put on your hijab for the pictures? Or at least ask if she was expecting to post these online.

Given how much people post pictures they take online these days, it's a reasonable assumption to make your friend wanted to share those pictures. It's your choice to wear the hijab and as such you should be more proactive about this?

Also why is someone seeing a picture of you without hijab at a party where only women were present bad? It's not like there were men at the party. (just trying to grasp this, since at the party itself not wearing hijab is allowed)

On the other hand yes she should at least photos hop the pictures so your hair can't be seen now after the fact, since there was a lack of communication.

OP: Women who I trust can see me without the hijab, but only few men can (father, brother, future husband). I trusted those girls to see me, not anyone who could stumble upon her page.

I also wasn't in every photo and most of what were posted were candids. This isn't the first time I've taken photos at an event, just the first time this has happened.

Commenter: How can you be sure that men not from your family haven't seen those previous pics of you with uncovered head? Could be accidental or on purpose, but anyone could have seen them since they are on other people's phones. Doesn't seem smart to me if its that important to you.

OP: Because I trust my friends not to go showing photos of me around because that's a boundary I've made clear? Do you not know how to set boundaries?

Commenter (downvoted): YTA- you knew she was taking photos. You knew that she had social media. And yet you still attended the party. You chose to remove your symbol of oppression.

Stop trying to force your Islamist views on non- Muslims.

OP: Me not wanting to show my hair to people I don't know is forcing my views? What happened to my body my choice? Or does that only apply to white women?

Commenter: That guy is an asshole. Don't let him bait you into being angry

OP: I just like arguing back it's funny to rile them up sometimes. They act as if some random dude on the internet will make me turn away from my beliefs LOL

Commenter: What happens now that guys see your hair in the pictures?

OP: I spontaneously combust into a cloud of sparkles

Commenter: All jokes aside, I am so sorry that someone you consider a close friend posted pictures of you uncovered and won't take them down. You are NTA in this case.

I am though curious, if you don't mind answering what being seen with your hair shown means. Is it similar to someone seeing you nude? Or are there any repercussions religiously?

OP: I'd say it's similar but on a lesser scale. More close to someone being able to see your cleavage, since breasts arent inheritly se%ual but everyone covers them up to different degrees.

It is haram (a sin) to willingly show a man my hair once I've become a full blown hijabi, unless he is a male family member or husband. Of course every sin has different weights, and it's more so a personal thing between me and God rather than anyone else.

And now, OP's 2nd Update (3 days later):

I wanted to give it a couple days before I updated to let the situation cool down or hopefully resolve itself. In short, the post got taken down, the wedding is still happening, and I'm still friends with her.

I got a bunch of dms from her fiance the other day, apologizing, saying that he'd recognized me in the photos of me without my hijab and he'd informed me that he told her to take them down.

He's Christian, but from what I understand, his mother veils and he understands the rules around hijab a good bit. He felt bad and I had to reassure him that it wasn't his fault and thanked him for talking to Maya for me. He asked if this whole situation would affect our friendship, and I told him I wasn't sure in what way.

A bit after, Maya finally messaged me one to one for the first time after the whole fiasco. She apologized and explained she didn't think it was a big deal since her other muslim friend doesn't wear the hijab and she thought I was simply being dramatic.

I told her that everyone is different and what someone else chooses to do with their body and faith doesn't mean someone else will do the same. My older sister doesn't wear the hijab, Maya's seen her. It's a personal choice and no two people are going to have the same relationship with it.

I asked her why me asking her to take it down wasn't enough on it's own, since she'd done similar things for others in the past (think bra strap showing, unflattering angle, exposed scars) without hesitation.

She said she wasn't thinking straight and felt like it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. It was only when her fiance brought it up to her that she took it down.

She put the other four photos up (the ones without me in them) and she realized that she was being stubborn for no reason. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make up for it and I asked her to just keep it in the past.

I'd like to clear up the notion that this the first bachelorette party or even wedding our friend group has had, since that's far from it. Added, we've had conversations regarding special occasions MANY times so even if it was the first time, this shouldn't have happened.

This wedding will be the third and come by September, mine will be the fourth! Also, we've been friends for almost two decades, so cutting her off over this would be so out of proportion.

I did not report the photos, and I did not abandon my faith like some of you suggested. This may not be the update some were wanting, but at least things are better now and the wedding is soon and going as planned!

Relevant Comments:

Commenter: Is the fiancé by any chance Orthodox? The attitude toward veiling is very strong in Orthodox/Eastern Christianity and it wouldn’t surprise me that his family was respectful toward the hijab.

OP: I'm not sure if he's orthodox or not but he's Russian so maybe? I'm not close with him this is the first one to one convo I've had with him

Commenter: DUDE. I am a hijabi who is MOH for one of my best friends who is non Muslim. I also went on a bachelorette trip and there were tons of candids with me not wearing a hijab. I sent her your original post and she was livid on your behalf.

I can’t even imagine what I would do if she did what your friend did. It was so insanely inappropriate of her to post those photos and downright despicable to not immediately take them down when you asked. You’re more forgiving than me smh

OP: One instance like this doesn't erase the years of friendship we've had. I am going to be cautious with her for a while since the way she's acting isn't really like her.

Commenter: Im so sorry that you got comments even suggesting to abandon your faith.

OP: It's kind of funny bc half of the "yta" answers were just "yta for upholding a misogynistic gay hating terrible religion" and not any genuine criticisms of what I did or said LMAO

Commenter: You’re kinder than I. I would remain friends with the fiancé and not her. At the very least I could never go without my hijab around her again, she would have lost that trust forever

OP: I'm probably not going to be taking it off around her or the friends who were backing her up for a while. I'm not really friends with her fiancé to begin with, and I feel like it'd cause unnecessary drama