Woman begs family to accommodate dietary restrictions during holidays. AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for Asking My Family to Accommodate My Dietary Restrictions During Holidays?"

I need some perspective on a situation that's been bothering me. For context, I'm a 28-year-old woman, and for health reasons, I've had to adopt some strict dietary restrictions over the past couple of years.

I’m lactose intolerant, have a severe gluten allergy, and I also try to avoid processed sugars. It’s not just about being picky; eating the wrong thing can lead to serious health issues for me.

My family usually hosts big holiday gatherings, which I love. It's a time for everyone to come together and celebrate. However, the food situation has always been a bit tricky.

Last year, I brought my own dishes to share since the options were almost entirely gluten-filled and loaded with dairy. I thought it would be a good compromise. While my family appreciated my contributions, they also seemed a bit put off, like I was making things difficult.

Fast forward to this year: as the holidays approached, I mentioned to my family that I would really appreciate it if they could try to accommodate my dietary restrictions in the meal planning. I suggested that maybe we could include a few gluten-free and dairy-free options alongside the usual spread. I even offered to help cook, thinking that would lighten the load.

However, my suggestion was met with mixed reactions. Some family members were supportive, saying they wanted everyone to feel included. But others—specifically my parents—reacted pretty defensively.

They insisted that I was being too demanding and that "we’ve always done it this way." They argued that I should just "eat what I can" and stop making such a fuss about it.

I was really hurt. I feel like my health and comfort should matter, especially during family gatherings. I tried to explain that I’m not trying to be a burden; I just want to enjoy the time together without worrying about what I can eat. But my parents seem to think that my needs are an inconvenience.

Now I'm feeling guilty for even bringing it up. A part of me wonders if I should just suck it up and bring my own food again, while another part feels like I shouldn’t have to do that. Am I the asshole for wanting my family to make a little effort to accommodate me during the holidays? Should I just let it go and deal with it on my own?

Let's see what readers thought:

daghaopo writes:

ESH. I get where you’re coming from; dietary restrictions can be really tough, especially during family gatherings that are typically centered around food. Your health is important, and it’s understandable that you want your family to make some accommodations.

However, it sounds like your approach may have come off as a bit demanding, especially considering that these traditions have been in place for a long time.

Your family might see your request as a challenge to their norms, which can feel personal. It’s also worth noting that holiday gatherings can be a lot of work, and it’s tough for hosts to suddenly change everything to accommodate one person, even if it’s for a good reason.

On the other hand, your family could have been more understanding of your health needs. Dismissing your dietary restrictions as a fuss isn’t fair and shows a lack of empathy.

It might help to find a middle ground—like suggesting a potluck-style meal where everyone brings a dish, ensuring you have safe options while also keeping it easy for the hosts. It’s a hard situation, and I hope you can all find a way to enjoy the holidays together.

veeenz writes:

ESH. Look, your health needs are valid, and you deserve to enjoy family gatherings without the stress of dietary issues. However, asking your family to completely change their meal planning can come off as insensitive to their traditions and efforts.

They may feel overwhelmed, especially if they’ve always hosted the same way. Instead of approaching it as a demand, it might have been better to frame it as a request for more inclusive options without implying they need to overhaul everything they usually do.

On the flip side, your family’s reaction was pretty dismissive. It’s one thing to maintain traditions, but they should also be respectful of your health concerns. Ignoring your needs and suggesting you just “eat what you can” isn’t a solution—it’s a refusal to engage. They should at least acknowledge your request and make some effort to include you.

Ultimately, it sounds like everyone is a bit at fault here. Open communication and a willingness to compromise could really help bridge the gap. Maybe you could even set up a family meeting to discuss everyone’s feelings about the holiday meals—it might lead to a more understanding and inclusive environment.

cornwal writes:

ESH. It’s clear you care about your health and want to feel included during family gatherings, which is totally reasonable. However, your family’s traditions and efforts shouldn’t be overlooked either. It might be tough for them to suddenly accommodate your restrictions without feeling like their way of doing things is being challenged.

That said, your family’s reaction to your request was pretty dismissive. They should recognize that dietary restrictions aren’t just a preference but a necessity for you. Their insistence that you should just “eat what you can” is not only unhelpful but also a bit selfish, as it disregards your well-being.

Both sides could work on their communication. Maybe you could suggest some specific dishes that could easily fit into their usual menu without a complete overhaul.

This way, you’re showing willingness to compromise, and they might be more open to making changes. It’s a difficult balance, but it’s essential to approach these conversations with empathy from both ends to make the holidays enjoyable for everyone involved.

Update:

Hey everyone, thanks for the feedback! After reading your comments and taking some time to reflect, I decided to reach out to my family and have a more in-depth conversation about the holiday situation.

I called my parents and explained how I felt about their initial response. I emphasized that it wasn’t just about food for me—it was about feeling included and valued as a member of the family.

To my surprise, they were actually more receptive than I expected. They admitted that they hadn’t fully considered how their reaction might have made me feel.

We ended up discussing potential dishes I could bring that would also fit in with the usual holiday spread. I suggested some easy gluten-free and dairy-free recipes that they could try out, and they seemed open to it. My mom even mentioned wanting to experiment with a few of them, which felt like a small victory!

I also offered to host a casual dinner at my place before the holidays, where everyone could try out the recipes. This way, they could see that accommodating my dietary restrictions didn’t have to be a huge hassle. They agreed, and we’re planning it for next weekend!

As for the holiday gathering, they assured me they would make an effort to include at least a couple of my suggested dishes. I’m feeling a lot better about the whole situation and relieved that we were able to talk it out. Thanks again for your advice, and I’ll keep you updated on how everything goes!