Woman berates husband; 'Don't tell me how to coparent with my EX.' AITA? UPDATED 2X

When this woman is upset with her husband's reaction to her coparenting, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my husband my children come first?"

I have two girls with my ex (36M). They are wonderful girls and my entire world. However they live with my ex full time while I get every other weekend and some holidays.

Now my ex was just offered a job and it's a really good job and I'm happy for him however, it's in another state. And I'm pretty sure he's going to take it because it's in his home state where all his family is.

It's also my home state, as that's where we met and my family all lives there too. So knowing that this is something my ex is going to do I decided to discuss it with my husband, and some options.

I told him that if my ex does back there I would like to too, to be with my children and my family. Of course I can't expect him to immediately lift his life and move with me, but I was trying to figure out of there was way we can do this.

At first he was treating it lightly and was like, "yeah I'm sure you'll be able to visit them or see them at Christmas" but when he really I was being serious he grew upset.

He told me that he didn't want to move anywhere and that I shouldn't either, that our lives were here. And I agree, however my children are also my life and I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to see them consistently anymore, because they would live so far away so it would be more rare that I see them.

Anyways he called my selfish for not thinking with him and I told him if I was selfish I wouldn't have brought it up and made up my mind and then I told him that my children came first in my life. And now he's refusing to talk to me and claimed I was being self-centered and inconsiderate.

So now I'm asking, Am I an Asshole for telling my husband my children come first? And considering following them back to my home state?

Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:

flesta writes:

ESH. You're a parent so it's your job to put your children first but, you also need to be considerate of your spouse.

Your spouse should expect you to put your kids first. Knowing your family is somewhere else and discussing the potential of you returning there seems like something he should have done when you were dating.

But, I have to assume there's a lot more to this than what you can plausibly type here. Regardless, you are here asking if you're an asshole or not and that at the very least means communication failure. If you can communicate together well enough to get married, then you can communicate together well enough to get through this.

dca5b writes:

NAH. I’d suggest couples counseling for you and your husband. In the meantime, let your ex and your kids move up to a new state while you figure out your stuff here. It will take time for you and your husband to find new jobs in the new state if that’s what you both decide to do.

I also talk to your divorce lawyer about custody and if you really are close to getting 50-50 custody from a judge. If you were an absent parent for most of their life, I hope your lawyer has given you a game plan to change that. I don’t want you to pin your hopes on some thing and then not have it happen.

Also talk to your divorce lawyer about divorced parents Who live in different states and the kids only see one parent for the holidays. Also, post this question on a subreddit for divorced parents.

aghat5b writes:

YTA. You stated 'if I was selfish I would have already made up my mind' and it clearly was made up long before you spoke to your husband. Your husband is your second priority while you are his first priority. He likely knew that getting married, but that doesn't mean it's a good feeling for him.

Your actions causing you to not have custody of your kids is now directly affecting the person who puts you #1 and you have no regards for how this entire thing affects his entire life. He's allowed to be upset.

perioddd writes:

ESH speaking as a child of divorced parents. I had visitation every other weekend with my dad, he was emotionally absent and it's very hard to view him as my parent. I probably view him as more of an uncle figure.

He remarried with little thought on how it would impact his children and that broke the fantastic relationship he had with my sister (and tbh it broke her).

The way you describe your kids as your whole world but say that you were absent in the past? Not cool. Do you make time for your kids without your husband present? Or do they have to be part of the family unit constantly? Primary custody isn't given to fathers without good reason and real neglect imo.

I get angry when my dad tries to proudly tell people of my accomplishments because imo he had very little role in my life and didn't support me (excluding money). How old are your kids? You could build a strong relationship with them if you keep trying, which it sounds like you are.

Just go easy on the hyperbole. The kids wouldn't like to hear you say that they're your whole world when your actions have indicated otherwise. You need to be a consistent figure in their life.

The way you've phrased telling your husband sounds good on here. He sucks a little for his reaction but uprooting his life to follow your ex does suck for him.

notagainjanet writes:

YTA. And here's why: I think that putting your kids first is great. Especially since you were absent in their early years.

HOWEVER. It does seem like you sprung this on your husband. And it also seems like you've made up your mind since this is the type of issue where there is no compromise. You move together. You don't move together.

Or you divorce. Presenting it like it's not an ultimatum is disingenuous and really devalues his perspective. If you'd approached it differently, my answer might be different.

I have to wonder... if you and your ex are on good terms, did you know he was job searching? Did you mention it to your husband? Did you ever mention that if your ex got a new job, you'd want to follow him?

Have you expressed wanting to return to your hometown? If this has been in the cards for a while, and your husband is just hearing about it now that it's almost a sure thing... yikes.

It's just a really unfair position for your husband. If I married someone with kids, I would understand that the kids come first.

I would expect cancelled date nights, I would expect having to take on responsibilities of my own, I would expect having to drop everything to handle an emergency. But I still would not expect that I'd end up having to uproot my entire life when their ex moves back to their hometown.

And that's another thing, I'd imagine moving back to where your family lives has positive connotations for you. But for your husband, he'd be sacrificing his career, his friends, and the life he's built to move in with his in-laws and job search during a pandemic. That's a TALL ORDER.

And then... what if your ex doesn't like his job and then moves again? How is your ex willing to work with you to help the kids still see you if you stay in your current location?

What type of area are you currently in and where would you be moving to? Where is your husband's family located -- are you moving further from them? What if your husband can't find a new job? How long has he lived in your current location?

It's so much uncertainty. I'm not really expecting you to answer these questions. But I hope these are things you consider when thinking about both your husband's perspective, as well as your future.

You can be doing what you feel is best in terms of your kids... but also still be TA for how you handled this, and your expectations, in terms of your husband.

flaalgy6 writes:

Nta. He married you knowing you had kids and it is not reasonable for him to expect you to sit back and do nothing if they move away.

If I was in your position I would follow my kids wherever their custodial parent took them in order to play an active role in their lives. If he doesn't understand this he doesn't understand you. And it is not selfish or self centered.

He is being incredibly selfish and self centered in refusing to even look into the possibility with you. You can get a new husband but those kids will be your kids forever. If he refuses to go, he clearly isn't the right man for you.

You are correct in thinking that if they move you should follow. Especially with a less than stellar track record. Your kids need to know your commitment to being involved and choosing your husband over them will just confirm to them that they are not your priority.

Your husband clearly see your kids as an option, and your problem. He doesn't sound like a team player and therefore not the man for you. (I say not a team player because he wouldn't even consider it, he wouldn't even look to see if it was plausible.

The answer was no and then lashed out at you for daring to even consider it. Thats not a good guy)

Update 1:

Edit: some people have been asking for this information do here it is: I would like to explain that there is a reason I have visitation rights and that's because I have had a history of being an absent parent and not prioritizing my children in my life, I know that court will side with my ex.

I am close to my children and I love them wholeheartedly, and I do think that this move (if it does end up happening but most likely it will) would be beneficial for them as it's closer to both our extended families.

Edit #2: I've gotten a lot of advice, and a lot of judgement. I do want to say that I am going to do some couple's therapy for me and my husband, I think that's the best way to do things

Edit #3: I'm adding this because I have been getting a lot of these comments and they're really affecting me, I forgot how hurtful the internet can be. First of all, I was an absentee parent.

I was absent for the younger years, they are current 10-8 years old. I have spent years building back the trust and love of being a mother. I am on schedule to have 50/50 custody. Because of all this, my children are my priority and I would do anything for them.

Edit #4: last edit because I forgot to mention this. I am not trying to give my husband an ultimatum. This is not a yes or no situation..I love my husband and am going to discuss every option with him.

And I am also going to go over my custody order to see if anything can be changed. Thank you everyone for your comments, it really made me think a lot and I appreciate it.

Edit #5: I can't respond to comments anymore so I will answer your questions here: my ex is ok with me having 50/50, we have talked about it, and we have discussed it. When it comes down to it, he wont fight.

We have both decided this is what is best for the girls. Now because he is considering moving, this might change the way things are and I believe the best way for me to go is to follow my children. However there is obviously a lot to think about so we'll see how everything turns out. If it's wanted, I could post an update later.

Update 2:

During the last month, my ex has taken the job and is in the process of moving states. He has found a place and is getting ready for the transfer. After several discussions with my husband and a huge discussion about priorities, we have both decided to move together to follow my children.

This was no easy choice for the both of us, and it was a very tight decision, but we finally came to the conclusion together that we didn't want to be apart from each other nor my children.

Since my husband works remotely, he will be keeping his job for now but is already seeking a new one in the state. I have already contacted my previous employer and in the talks for a job as well. We will be staying with a family relative until we find a place of our own.

When we finally settle down and have a home that can house my children, I will be filing for 50/50 custody. And I'm pretty sure I am going to get it, as this is what both I, my ex, and husband want.

I want to thank everyone who commented on my last post, even the ones that said not so nice things. I realize that owning up and fixing my mistakes is very difficult to do, but I am slowly but surely doing it. Thank you.