Woman's best friend threatens to tell her husband that she cheated 6 years ago; begs 'Please, he can't know the truth!' AITA? UPDATED
When this woman begs her best friend not to tell her husband the truth, she asks the internet:
"I am begging my friend to keep a secret from my husband. AITA?"
My husband (32m ) and I (33f) have been married for four years, together for nine. Six years ago he got an offer for his dream job in another city and I thought he was going to leave me. because he was acting suspiciously. I was heartbroken as I loved him so much.
I went out drinking with my friend and a guy started flirting with me and I flirted back. it wasn't long before we started kissing ignoring my friend who told me to stop. a few days later I found out that my husband...
(boyfriend at the time ) got a new job in our city and he wanted to surprise me. My friend told me that I should tell him but I refused and begged her not to tell him.
Six years later my friend told me that she will tell my husband about it if I don't tell him. I asked her why does she want to do this after all these years and why does she want to ruin our marriage.
She told me that when her boyfriend cheated on her. She realized that she would want someone to tell her if she was in his situation. I cried and got on my knees in front of her to change her mind but she gave me an ultimatum.
I don't know what to do. if I tell him it would destroy him. he has been cheated on before and he wouldn't believe it was just kissing. He sacrificed too much to stay with me and that's how I repay him.
He won't trust me again. I think he will divorce me. I have been faithful for six years and I deeply regret that incident. What should I do? How should I tell him?
edit it wasn't just a kiss we made out and talked for hours. my friend left when she felt uncomfortable. i don't think she is doing this to ruin our marriage or go after my husband.
edit iam going to tell my husband. after thinking about it i realised how a hypocrite iam because i would want to know if the rules were reversed.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
sheizezr writes:
My husband and I have been married for 12 years and we have a wonderful marriage. I just ran this scenario by him and we both agree that some things are better left unsaid.
I’m sure I’ll get downvoted to hell, but I honestly wouldn’t want to know about something that far in the past that has the potential to do nothing but hurt me and my spouse. If you feel compelled to tell him, fine - but your friend needs to mind her business and leave you and your relationship alone.
She has no right to interfere with your marriage over something that happened one time 6 years ago. I’d cut that “friend” out of my life ASAP.
beckylately8 writes:
I would tell him first. It sounds like it was just kissing? Still cheating, still wrong, but if she tells him it’s likely he will think about it and create scenarios in his head that didn’t even happen.
Tell him that six years ago you got drunk and kissed another man in a bar. Explain your insecurity, tell him it went no further than that, and hope he forgives you. Offer to go to therapy to explore your insecurities and to work on feeling more confident in your marriage.
Hiding it because “he would have left” means you prioritize your own comfort over honesty and over him. Being honest means you’re giving him the choice to stay or leave, knowing that whatever decision he makes will be based on the truth.
sorta55 writes:
I think you should just admit you messed up out of weakness and insecurity and let him deal with it however he wants to deal with it. It’s not fair that you emotionally “hook up” with someone behind his back while he gave up his dream job to stay with you.
You jumped the gun preemptively, not knowing if he actually was going to leave you or not. Your friend even warned you, and was the only one who had your husband’s best interest in mind (that honestly should have been you, after all you are his partner).
I could make a million excuses to cheat after being cheated on MULTIPLE TIMES, I never did. I’ve realized that by doing so, there’s only more hurt and pain. The cheated spouse deserves transparency regardless of how long ago it was.
You messed up, that doesn’t mean you can’t still make amends. However, you also shouldn’t expect him to not be hurt by it or even want anything to do with you at all.
devilsyog6 writes:
Very cute of you to throw in how much you are in love with him so you were just utterly heartbroken by thinking of him leaving, but unfortunately it didn’t distract from the main message, which is that you cheated on him and you don’t get why your best friend won’t let you just get away with it.
You did a shitty thing and your husband has been married to someone who cheated on and betrayed him. He deserves to be able to decide for himself if that’s what he wants. He deserves to make an informed decision regarding his own life. Maybe it makes me a shitty person, but honestly I hope this blows up in your face. You’re a nasty person.
sguy6 writes:
Cheating is a zero tolerance for me. However drunkenly kissing a guy 6 years ago while you were dating and nothing se%ual happened I could probably forgive that. It’d be hard and a long road but not something I’d divorce over. So.
Tell him or don’t tell him that’s your business. It’s none of your friends business. Problem I have is why suddenly after 6 long years has the friend come out and gave the ultimatum? Why not 6 years ago when it happened?
Why does she so urgently demand you tell him now? I see this as an issue w the friendship and the timing makes me think she and your husband might have a thing. Or she has a thing for him and wants you out of the way.
I’ve read many stories like this. Friend makes friend admit to cheating and then friend swoops in to comfort husband and goes from there. I don’t see any good coming from any of it 6 years later.
jazzlike76 writes:
Personally don’t understand this friend or her insistence in telling the husband about an incident that happened years ago and I’m guessing never happened again. This makes me inclined to believe her stance is based on envy rather than a high moral compass.
If it was about morals he would have been told when it happened or at least way before now. You’re between a rock and a hard place so you may as well tell him. Hopefully, you don’t lose a husband but either way you lost a “friend”.
confffh09 writes:
Your friend does not get to decide what is “best” for your husband or your marriage based on what happened to her.
That’s a hard no. If you were presently cheating on him + she knew it, and you were confiding in her and/or using her as an alibi when you were with the other man, that would be different. Then she would have a right to give you an ultimatum like “you end this or I’ll tell him” or “you tell him or I will.”
But what you did was six years ago, before you were married, and you didn’t sleep with the guy, you kissed him for a while. Would I like it if I found out my husband did that with another woman? No. Would it be worse if I found out he’d slept with her? Hell yes. Which leads me to my point…
If my husband cheated on me years ago or even before we were married, would I want him to tell me now? I would not. If he is feeling guilty about it, if he is living scared that I’ll find out, he should; that’s his punishment for cheating.
Do not clear your conscience by putting your burden of guilt onto me + forcing me to deal with it. Fuck no. If it’s over, if it happened once + never again + will never happen again, I don’t want to know. Let me live in ignorance + bliss. Don’t make me miserable to make yourself feel better.
But you need to dump this friend. She knows something about you that she can use at any time as a weapon against you. Tell her that you are going to tell your husband. (Don’t tell him. There is no point in him knowing now.)
Then cut her off. No more calls, no more texts, no more girls nights out, no more shopping or dinners or BBQs. She’s gone, she’s done. She does not get to use your one indiscretion as a weapon against you for the rest of your life. And you do not have to live in fear that she will. Buh-bye.
OP's Update:
Last night i told my husband every thing. he sat there and didn't say anything other than okay. he was silent after that and then went to the bathroom. i heard him cry in there for about ten minutes. in the nine years we have been together I only saw him cry twice once when his mother died and the other when his sister died.
I wanted him to be angry at me scream and shout at me but he didn't. he didn't say anything at all.
an hour later he was packing his clothes to leave the house but i stopped him and told him i will leave. I'm now at my parent house thinking about what will happen next. I will leave him alone for a couple of days before i talk to him again.
edit: i told my parents and now they despise me. my mom is going to our house to check on him and bring him lunch update: my mom brought my husband with her and i think we are going to talk.