Woman's BF wants 6 year old daughter to call him dad; 'I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.' AITA? UPDATED 4X
When this woman is freaked out by her boyfriend's request, she asks the internet:
"My boyfriend (29m) wants my daughter (6f) to call him dad/daddy. Idk if I'm comfortable. AITA?"
My ex Dean (30m) and I (27f) share 50/50 custody of my 6 year old daughter named Santina. We broke up about 2 years ago on mutual terms, and are pretty good friends now.
Even though my ex and I are no longer together, he is a great dad to coparent with, and he absolutely adores Santina. She is the apple of his eye, and she adores him equally as much. I have been seeing someone new (Aiden, 29m) for the past 8 months.
He's been very good to me, and I enjoy his presence a lot. We have not said I love you yet, but I can see it happening very soon. When we first met I made it clear that I had my daughter 50% of the time and that her father was very active in her life. Aiden was fine with this, and we got very close very fast.
A couple of days ago I went to pick Santina up from Dean's house, and Dean asked to speak with me privately before we left. He seemed pretty mad, which is very unusual for him.
He told me that Santina had asked him if he really loved her or not. He told her that he does love her, more than anyone, and wanted to know why she asked to begin with.
She then revealed to him that Aiden had been pressuring her to call him daddy for the past few weeks without my knowledge, and that she should stop calling Dean daddy because Dean left us, which meant that he didn't love her as much as Aiden did.
I was absolutely astounded and pretty furious. I told him I had no knowledge of this, but I would absolutely get to the bottom of it.
On the way back to my house, I told Santina that I overheard Aiden asking her to call him daddy (I didn't want her to think Dean had betrayed her trust by telling me) and asked her how she felt about it.
She said it made her mad because she already had a dad and didn't want another one and that she was upset with Aiden for saying her daddy didn't love her because her daddy DID love her.
I reassured her that her dad did in fact love her more than anything on this planet, and that I would get Aiden to stop. She seemed visibly relieved. I tried to keep my face from revealing the pure rage I felt inside, because I didn't want her to think I was mad at her.
Later that night, after Santina went to bed I called Aiden to tell him he needed to come over to talk, and that it was very important.
When he got to my house, I asked him in what world it's okay to tell my 6 year old that her dad didn't love her and why he would tell her to call him daddy when she already has a very good one. He didn't skip a beat saying that Santina needed parents who were together.
That he loved her and I both (first time he's ever said this), and he's spent enough time and money with her that he should be allowed to help parent her. Therefore, if he was going to parent her, he wanted to be called daddy and wanted Dean to only see Santina on the weekends.
I was absolutely floored. I asked why he didn't speak to me about all this first before he decided to go ahead and do this. He said that she was young enough to teach her to call him daddy, and wanted to "surprise" me by her having her call him daddy, without me knowing he coached her.
Basically as if she had just called him that all on her own. I angrily shut all that down immediately, saying that he was just my boyfriend, he has no place expecting to be my daughter's father, he's way out of line, and I needed some space from him. I asked him to leave.
He started yelling, saying that I was being absolutely unreasonable. That any woman would be happy to know that their boyfriend wanted to love and be a dad to her child. That I'm being an asshole depriving my daughter from having a relationship with him.
That he would be a way better father than Dean. When he said that, I absolutely snapped. I told him there is no better father for my daughter than Dean. He is a great man, and a great father.
And that if he ever talks about Dean like that again, then we are through. He then accused me of still being in love with Dean. I told him to get out or I would call the police to have him escorted off my property.
I am just totally flabbergasted and am trying to figure how I could've missed Aiden being absolutely insane, because only insane people think this way. And I felt pretty confident that I was in the right, until today when I received multiple messages and phone calls from his friends and family.
One called me a moron for not accepting Aiden as Santina's father, since her real father was a deadbeat by not paying child support (I never wanted any). Another said that I shouldn't have defended Dean so much because it makes look bad.
His mother texted me and said that children should have parents who are together and that I should apologize to Aiden.
His dad said that I was lucky that Aiden even wanted to be with someone who had a child and to be grateful that he wants to be Santina's father.
I sent Aiden a text to call off his family and friends and that I want to take a break from him for awhile. Now he's blowing my phone up telling me to think about what's best for Santina, and that he loves us both and would die if he lost us.
Who is this man I've been dating? Did I jump into a parallel universe or something? Am I crazy for having reacted this way? Why is he so obsessed with my daughter calling him dad/ daddy? I've already called Dean and asked if we could stay with him for a few days because I didn't feel safe here and he agreed. We're leaving to go in the morning.
What do I do here? I do really care for Aiden. Even my mom said that I blew this whole thing out of proportion and that I shouldn't break up with him for a little mistake. Do I sound crazy? I need some advice on what to do moving forward. Thank you in advance.
TLDR: boyfriend wants my daughter to call him daddy, but went behind me back to do so. Now he's mad at me and I'm not sure if we should continue the relationship. (Posted in r/advice originally, but someone messaged me and said to post here).
Edit: Once we get to Dean's house, I am going to permanently break it off with Aiden. I really just wanted someone to say that I wasn't crazy for feeling this way, because some of my friends and family were saying that I overreacted and I "should be grateful that a man wants to be in Santina's life". It made me second guess myself.
I should've broken it off the second Dean told me what was up. Aiden exhibited creepy and inexcusable behavior. He will never see me or my child ever again. Thank you for all the comments, even the harsh ones.
Sometimes you need people to tell you the hard truth. He doesn't have keys to my place, nor is he on any pickup list for school or her extracurriculars. But even so, I'm going to reiterate to everyone he is not allowed anywhere near her and Dean is going to help me change the locks just in case.
I am also going to reevaluate which friends and family I allow around us, as some clearly don't have my best interests at heart. I am also going to put Santina in therapy just to make sure there is no lasting damage. There are no words that explain the guilt I feel.
Edit 2: we went to Dean's place first thing when Santina woke up. She was happy to go see her dad again so soon. When we got there, Dean and his mom were both waiting for us with breakfast. After we ate together, his mom kept an eye on Santina while Dean and I went shopping for new locks and some security cameras.
I sent Aiden a message on our way to the store and permanently ended things while the threat of law enforcement if he contacts me or tries to contact my daughter. I then blocked him on everything.
We're now on our way to set this stuff up at my house, but we're still gonna stay at Dean's for a few days just to be safe.
Before we give you OP's updates, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
merrymose writes:
OP, you are NOT crazy. This situation is nuts.
This was not a "little mistake" on Aiden's part. It was a calculated effort to break your daughter's relationship with her father, and to make you think that your daughter loved Aiden. He didn't do this because he loves Santina. If he really did, he wouldn't try to make her think her dad doesn't love her.
Kids need parents who love and protect them, whether or not they are together. Aiden's parents are seriously warped to think that you're lucky that their precious son wanted to be with a woman with a child, and wants to be Santina's father.
It's seriously concerning to me that Aiden tried to manipulate both you and your daughter. His proclamation that he would die if he lost you both is over the top for an 8 month relationship.
He turned his friends and family on you to convince you that you were in the wrong, and that you aren't thinking of what's best for your own daughter. This is a control tactic - he's trying to make you doubt yourself. Don't fall for it.
And his actions have escalated to the point that you are worried about being in your own home. He is not a good person. Ditch Aiden and don't look back.
premedstudent writes:
He’s been working his way in, trying to put distance between her actual father and herself. Telling her to call him daddy and saying it’s a secret. What else will he make her keep a secret from you?
You do realize that this is EXTREMELY predatory behavior coming from Aiden right? Think about it. After 8 months, he’s telling you he has claim to your daughter because of all the time and money he has put into “raising” her. He’s trying to get to her. He’s a creep.
Definitely get locks changed ASAP, invest in security cameras, and keep a lock on the inside of your daughters window. He’s been with you to try and get to her. You need to protect her.
And you need to have a conversation with her about the difference between a secret and a surprise. A secret is hurtful, and betrays someone’s trust, and it will make you feel icky inside.
A surprise is a fun thing that will make someone happy, and make you feel good. And have the conversation with her about it being okay to say no to the adults in her life. Teach her to protect herself from men like Aiden. I’m so sorry you and your daughter have had to endure this type of man.
greedy writes:
Dump him now! Period. There is nothing to "work out". He told your 6 year old daughter that her dad did not love her. Do you fully understand the damage he has already done to your child!!!??? Do NOT let him do more damage.
He went behind your back, traumatized your daughter so he could get what HE wanted, not what's best for your child.
I'm so f-g angry on your daughters behalf. The fact you needed to do anything other than cut that monster from your life is beyond me. No 6 year old would make something like that up. You need to prioritize your daughter right now.
He did this not even a year in, he will absolutely up the control on you AND your daughter if you stay. You will be an AH if you stay with him. There is no walking this came or coming back from this.
byronmike writes:
His friends and family only have his best interest at heart. Not yours and not your girls and certainly not her dad's. They don't care about you. They don't care about your family.
Your current hopefully ex-boyfriend is showings signs of narcissism. He did these terrible things for you and your daughter so they can't be bad. You see. He's the real one making the sacrifices you never asked him to make.
End it permanently. Move forward in life. You didn't do anything wrong. With people like this they're really just good at hiding things and you're being a great mother and great co parent for ending this.
truesofle writes:
Your boyfriend manifesting a very disturbing behavior. He is WAY out of line. you have a good thing going on with your ex. And he is sabotaging that relationship. And the way he went around it is very hurtful and sneaky.
And why are all these people calling and txting you? Whatever happens is between you and him, please tell them not to contact you. I would RUN from this person if I were you.
ferate3 writes:
People like this are disturbingly good at hiding their crazy and unfortunately, while I do think there is merit to what he says, he takes that sort of "validation" from friends and family as an excuse to keep acting crazy.
As someone who has dated women with kids and deadbeat dads, the entitlement this guy wields should grant him a ribbon or something.
And by validation, I mean that some kids do benefit from having parents who are together. But even if you and your ex aren't together, he is extremely supportive and active in your daughter's life which negates the need to be in said relationship.
I hope you and Dean are able to shield your daughter from this dude and his antics and it doesn't hurt your daughter, nor the relationship and bond you and your ex have because clearly it's working for everyone except this new guy and his... Issues.
ratwer writes:
First off, as a divorced father Dean is a real champ because I would have bypassed you and expressed my anger and frustration directly into the boyfriend. So he's a good guy it seems.
Secondly, it's awesome that you are co-parenting as effectively as you are so you both sounds like good people that love your child. Lastly, keep that dipshit boyfriend out of your life and away from your daughter. No man, with any damn sense would do anything he did.
It smacks of disrespect for literally everyone involved. That was a pile a trash just waiting to be taken out. As far as the friends/family opinions, how you and your ex parent your child is none of their damn business and they can take the same road out that the boyfriend is on.
And now, OP's first update:
Its been a week since I broke up with Aiden for his creepy and inexcusable actions with my daughter. Santina and I have been at Dean's since then. I have received nonstop harassment since I broke up with Aiden.
Him, his family, and his friends have been blowing my phone up threatening me and everytime I block someone they contact me with a new number. Apparently he saw the post and went absolutely berserk.
When I went to my home to get some clothes for myself (Dean has plenty of clothes for Santina already) there was an EIGHT PAGE letter, front and back, taped to my door. It basically said how upset he was for airing this out online, that HE feels betrayed, and then he ranted about how Dean was trying to keep us apart.
At the end of the letter it said I would be sorry if I didn't contact him. Dean has since asked me to stay with him until further notice, which I have no issue with. But I honestly think I'm being stalked.
Sometimes I see a car similar to Aiden's car, but I can't tell who's in it. I'm not sure if it's just paranoia, but I feel like someone is always watching me. It doesn't help that Aiden's mom was caught trying to sneak into my work to "talk some sense" into me. I went to police to report the harassment, but was told that there's nothing they can do.
I've pulled Santina from daycare for the time being and Dean's mom has been watching her because I am so paranoid, and I feel awful about it because she keeps begging to see her friends. I don't want to scare her by saying she might be in danger.
I broke down to Dean last night about how terrified I was and suggested that he take Santina to his father's home in another state just so she can be safe.
He calmed me down and told me that it was a great plan but that he was worried to leave me by myself. He's going to talk to his dad about all three of us going, but if not (I never really got along with his dad), I am going to insist that he go. I already put my daughter in enough danger by even dating that psycho, and I refuse to put her in anymore danger.
I sent pictures of the letter to my mom with the message "still think it's just a small mistake"? And she hasn't answered me yet. She's a prideful woman, so I doubt she'll ever admit that she was wrong.
I'm so exhausted from all of this, and Ifeel like I'm completely losing my mind. Dean has been a f-g champ though. He's taken a leave of absence from work due to a family emergency.
Hes been taking me to work and any other place that I need to go. But his girlfriend is not happy with the current arrangement. I try to be as kind as I can and she understands the situation but she is not shy about letting me know she doesn't want me there.
When she found out that Dean wanted to take both me and Santina to his dad's she just about had a heart attack. she hasn't spoken to him all day, and won't answer his calls.
I feel so guilty about this whole thing. I put my daughter in danger by dating Aiden, and now I've put Dean at odds with his girlfriend because I was stupid enough to date a psychopath.
So that's where I'm at. If anyone has any advice about how to let Dean's girlfriend know that I mean no harm, and that I'm not trying to steal him away from her, please share.
I just want to make things easier on Dean since he's done so much for me. I'm sorry if this seems like a ramble, because it definitely is. Thanks again everyone for commenting on my previous post.
Update 2:
Thank you for saying that, I really appreciate it. I've been trying to rationalize everything that's happened but I just can't find a good reason why he's done this, or why everyone seems to be on his side.
Everyone is concerned about how I made Aiden feel, but no one is concerned about how he made my daughter feel which is infuriating. Who does this stuff?
.I plan to have a serious talk with my daughter to make sure he hasn't crossed any other boundaries. Now that you said it, I feel like you're right. His interest is extremely unhealthy. He'll never be around us again.
Update 3:
Thank you for saying that. My mom thinks that staying with Dean isn't a good idea because Aiden is bound to find out and he'll get even angrier.
She thinks I could've handled this better, and was even surprised that I wasn't okay with him wanting to be called daddy. To me 8 months is not enough time for him to think he can be involved in my daughter's life that way, but everyone else is acting like I'm out of my mind.
Thank you. I thought it was a no brainier too. But everyone surrounding me seems to think that it's a sweet gesture that he took just a little bit too far, and that I'm overreacting. Dean is the only one on my side.
.He didn't meet her until we were dating for 6 months and he seemed so normal. Other than this, he's never said or done anything that would make me believe he could act this way. Dean even met him and liked him well enough. But you're absolutely right, I'm questioning my own judgement for not just breaking it off immediately.
Update 4:
I apologize that it seems confusing. My younger sister had used my phone to post something back then, I thought she posted on a throwaway but apparently did not. There was actually a few different posts she did. But I don't use reddit often so didn't even think to check my post history. Thank you for bringing that to my attention.