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Woman's threatens suspicious BF after he begs for paternity test; 'As soon as the results come, I'm getting revenge.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.

Woman's threatens suspicious BF after he begs for paternity test; 'As soon as the results come, I'm getting revenge.' AITA? MAJOR UPDATES.


When this woman has vindictive plans for her suspicious boyfriend and father to her child, she asks Reddit:

"My boyfriend asked for a paternity test for our child. As soon as the results come, I'm getting major revenge. AITA?"

I'm a new mom to a baby boy who is my pride and joy and though it's been a rollercoaster adjusting to taking care of a baby, the past few months have been great, tiring but great. And now, I realize that part of my life is OVER. My bf needs to watch out.

I have a bf of 3 years who is the first person relationship wise I have ever loved and I thought we were doing great as new parents but also as partners.

Friday, he came home and he asked me for a paternity test. Just like that, it was completely out of the blue. I was putting away the dishes and he asked for one, like he was asking what was for dinner.

I'm a different race from him but our child, apart from the skin tone, is literally his mirror image from pictures I had seen of him when he was a baby.

I was stunned when he asked and his reasons were that he had to be sure he was the father, he had to have that certainty. All I remember as he was speaking is just immediately feeling pain.

The man I love doesn't trust me. He would actually believe that I would f someone else, cheat on him, and then try to pass off another man's baby as his. I have never ever given him reason to think I would cheat on him. I have tried to be transparent and communicated and it wasn't enough.

He told me he would give me time to think about this, that he wouldn't go behind my back and do this test but for our relationship to move forward, he needs to be 100% sure. He repeated this because he, in his words, "needed me to realize how serious he was".

After thinking for a couple of days, I'm going to allow him this paternity test because I have nothing to hide. I never cheated and would have never cheated on him. Once it's proven that he's the father, I'm ending it, leaving the same day and I am going to try my best to be a cooperative coparent with him.

In the meantime, I'm coming up with my exit plan, a place to live, and a lawyer to work out a custody arrangement and court.

I can't even tell my family or my friends right now because they would go nuclear and my first priority is our child. I hope the test was worth it to him.

I'm not asking for advice or reassurance or to explain his side. I just, I'm just realizing this part of my life is now over. What a way to start the new year, huh.

Before we give you OP's update (when she takes the test), let's take a look at some of the top responses:

hezzerwezzer writes:

YTA. I've been married for 25 years to my husband and together for 28. This is not how mature adults handle major issues. Walking away because you have been doubted or mistrusted is NOT how you handle a relationship - ESPECIALLY when a child's family unit is about to break up.

He did not need your permission to get a paternity test for the child. He could have just done it in secret, found out the results, and that would have been that.

You have not even sat down with this man who you supposedly loved and discussed the issue with him. Asked him why he doubted you. Inquired as to where these fears of his were coming from.

Quite frankly, in this day in age of men raising a child for 5 to 10 years only to find out that they were not the biological father, I am surprised that paternity tests are [not] just done automatically now.

If you are just going to "cut and run" from this relationship without so much as an attempt to sit down and have an adult conversation about your feelings from both sides, then what do you think you are going to do for every other relationship in the future when your SO doubts and mistrusts you? And they aren't even your FIRST LOVE or your CHILD'S PARENT?

My goodness! Stop thinking about your hurt feelings and the little pity party your have going on for yourself for about two seconds, and think about your child and his father and the fact that YOU ARE A FAMILY. You would destroy your family unit rather than make an effort to understand each person's feelings and where the other person is coming from?

realcoldlogic writes:

2 cents. Being a parent is a daunting step in life for the father as well as the mother. It is incredibly difficult for both. Men can suffer from post natal depression too and can also have difficulty in adapting.

I would break down his reasoning and go on from there. Certainly wouldn't be risking a child not having a loving and united family because of one parents MH and paranoia.

This is a bigger decision than you realise, do you want more kids, more kids with different fathers, no more kids, your child to have a sibling or two... There's a lot to lose here, it's not a simple break up now.

I genuinely don't think you've got enough information to make that decision yet. Get the results and see his reaction... If he's over the moon with the results or gutted because he's now a dad and he can't get out of it, that will tell you everything you need.

Whatever you do, do it for the right reasons, reasons which now include your child. Good luck!

exolove writes:

the only situation I would even imagine him asking to be okay is if he has both severe anxiety or some kind of condition that requires him to have proof of things he knows to be true (not sure if such a thing exists) and past trauma of a cheating partner.

the reason I talk about that sort of condition is because I am a person who has extreme anxiety and I need things confirmed for me over and over and over. I had sex on exactly 1 day of my life.

3 regular periods since then. i still have this extreme fear and suspicion that I am pregnant. it's irrational as all hell especially given that I have taken 2 tests and they were both negative. but I can't shake it. it's driven me crazy and I've had many breakdowns because I hate the way my brain thinks. and I don't know what's wrong with me.

but you're his gf and you would know if he has a brain that is so prone to spirals and is obsessive in nature bc it would have manifested in another way. so I think that it is unlikely. and I am truly sorry that your boyfriend doesn't trust you, it must be really hurtful. you're doing the right thing to end it w him.

ornerymarzipan writes:

Post partum can be a thing for men as well. Not saying his demand isn't shitty and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, but is there some other reason behind you choosing to break up your family over this?

People say and do strange things when they're mentally unwell. Maybe step back and take a breath, think about the bigger picture, and don't make a decision that will impact yours and your child's future in profound and immeasurable ways on the basis of an initial reaction.

I would be extremely upset in your situation, absolutely. If the trust and respect is truly broken for you then you have no other choice... but maybe think on it for a few days and try to have an honest conversation about this with him before you blow up 3 people's futures?

Breaking up out of retaliation for being hurt (as well you should be) may be a choice you come to regret as much as he's gonna regret not trusting you.

suzall writes:

I actually find this really sad. If you love him and you have a good little family why spoil that on principle about a bad comment from him. It seems almost spiteful to do that. Are there other issues besides this that make you want to leave?

He’s just some dumb guy that’s been reading too much bs about women cheating and it’s made him insecure so he’s asked for proof. Yes it’s a horrible suggestion by him. Wouldn’t it be wiser to sit down and tell him how you feel so you can stay as a family?

You could tell him you will do the paternity test on the condition that when it comes back positive he moves out because he failed to trust you. At least that gives him a chance to right his wrong, realise your genuine and retract his request.

And also allows him to know the consequences he is facing. Otherwise you’re making a covert move and as you know already he’s going to fall. It may not be the best outcome for you or your child.

Relationships are hard work, we’re only human and we do make mistakes, sometimes huge mistakes, wouldn’t you like to think your partner will stick by you through your mistakes.

And now, OP's first major update after getting the test done:

My post was removed. So I'm going to post it here. It's been a couple of weeks since I posted and I have just been navigating things after. I'm going to call my bf, Mason to keep things clear. This is going to be long, I'm sorry.

Also, Why post on Reddit? I don't know guys, I don't know. To clarify a few things: We're different races but to my knowledge, his family plus extended is more than ok with it.

His mother actually set us up. I went to a dinner party and he and I were the only single people who had been invited and we hit it off. She admitted to trying to set us up for months.

We have had no issues with cheating or any situations where things could be sketchy during the years we have been together. We also haven't broken up or taken any breaks.

Our son is his mirror image. My bf confided to his cousin about the paternity test a couple of days after he asked me and the cousin told his wife and it spread like wildfire, especially in their family group chats.

His mom put an end to the speculation though by doing a half and half pic of him and our son but also by adding some additional individual pics of both of them. She posted the pictures in the family group chat and said, "look at the old pics I found of Mason".

After people commented, she said, actually the one on the right is my grandchild, or this one isn't Mason. Literally the family members just thought that it was the same person in all of the pics and that some of the photos were taken in darker lightning.

That is how much our son looks like him which I find funny but also a little annoying, like I carried you for 9 months, all for you to be a copy of your dad. I didn't see the group chat but the topic died down when his mom did that.

Anyway, we talked. When I had made the first post, I was so angry and planned to leave but the anger was quickly replaced by hurt once I calmed down.

I realized if I blindsided him like that, i would be doing the exact same thing that he did to me, when he asked for a paternity test.

I planned to ask him to talk but I also didn't want him to think I was trying to get out of the test. So beforehand, I booked an appointment at two different paternity test locations. I asked him to talk when he came home and I made sure our child was at my mom's. I told him that whatever happened with this talk, the paternity tests had been booked and would go forward.

I basically asked him his reasoning and, when he started having doubts about paternity. Was it a previous relationship, did cheating happen? He said it was about a week before he asked me that he started having doubts.

He said that he was on his lunch break one day just reading articles and he clicked on an old article about a man who found out his three kids weren't his after like 20 years. This led him into a rabbit hole of podcasters and YouTube videos that encouraged men to ask for paternity tests.

While he thought those podcasters were idiots, he said that paternity was an exception. He said his reasoning was that some women have done this before and he wanted to be sure. He said "you know it's yours because the baby comes out of you but how do I know?" "The test gives me that assurance."

I was hurt by that but I decided to explain how I felt. I said thatfor him, it was a rational request while for me, it was basically him saying that he didnt trust me.

It was him saying that he believed "I would cheat on him, get pregnant, have him emotionally, financially, and physically support me during the pregnancy, and birth and basically lie to him while he raised another man's child".

I told him that I understand that women had done this before but the fact that HE thought I would do this to him is what bothered me.

I told him the truth, that when I was angry, I had planned to leave and that I even went looking into a lawyer, a co-parenting plan, and a new place to live. He was stunned, that I would leave for something so small.

I found that to be a weird kind of irony, that he believed issuing an ultimatum about a paternity test and basically accusing your partner of cheating was something small.

I told him I was really hurt by what he said, that I was still hurt but that if he needs this peace of mind, that we would do it. He asked what about our relationship and I told him, I didn't know.

We did the test 2 days later, got the results back after 3 days. He opened both of them and to the surprise of no one, he's the dad. He was visibly relieved when he read the tests and I don't know why that hurt more.

It's been about 2 weeks from the results and I'm still really hurt. God, I sound so pathetic. I feel pathetic. I thought the results would maybe relieve some of that but it didn't.

It's like a switch clicked when he asked for the test and I can't find a way to click it off. I'm pretty sure post partum is playing a part in this because all I do is cry and I wasn't like this before.

I have also moved into the spare room, something he was against but I felt bad because apart from when our son is awake, I'm sad all the time.

I am looking for a therapist(I don't know how people find therapists they like so quickly btw) and he wants to do couples therapy and he's looking for one. He already has a few appointments booked just to try them out.

He wants to move on, marriage, more kids in the future and go back to where we are and thinks that our relationship is now stronger. While I'm just thinking, our relationship right now is weaker than a person on stilts.

I don't know if I would say we are together. The physical affection is gone(I'm not in the right mindset and I don't want him to touch me), we rarely talk about anything but the baby, it's awkward, and I'm trying to find a way back to where we were and I can't see how.

I'm going to try to fix this and try therapy( individual and couples) but I just have this feeling that this is basically a sinking ship. I hope I'm wrong. I want very much to be wrong.

Edit: I really appreciate the kind messages. I know some people are worried but I have a contingency plan in place. I have a lawyer. I have gotten a child care/custody plan worked up during these two weeks. I've told my family who are mostly close by. I have a rental property I own and can go to. Our finances are separate so I'm good there.

I know myself and I know I'm not in the right headspace right now. I'm staying in the spare room. There is no affection. Therapy, individual or couples, will hopefully help me and will hopefully reaffirm that I had the right idea in the beginning.

It's not as easy to move when there's a child. So I'm making sure that I'm mentally well, our child is good, and then I'll make a decision. Thank you though for all your kindness and perspectives. I really appreciate it.

Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:

talkloud writes:

Thank you for providing an update. I just want to say that your feelings are valid and I find it to be a red flag that your husband doesn't respect your feelings or thought process about any of this.

He has no consideration for your thoughts or feelings and wants to proceed with the relationship as if he didn't just publically accuse you of cheating to his entire family and all of your friends.

He has provided no apology and seems to he guilt tripping you for not wanting to share the same room or bed with him. Your postpartum isn't much of a factor in what your husband just did to you.

If it wasn't your personal situation you'd more than likely have a very different opinion if this had been done to your family member or close friend.

It's fine if you want to continue to give your marriage a chance but please do not abandon yourself in the process or allow him to steamroll over your emotions and gaslight you into emotionally regulating for him and make everything about his feelings.

It's important that you surround yourself with friends and family that support you and don't warp your sense of reality.

Please don't sacrifice your mental health and dignity for a one-sinded marriage where he'll know from this point on that he'll be able to make wild accusations, publically humiliate you, then have his feelings coddled and prioritized while you drown in heartache.

Continuing the marriage should largely revolve around his actions going forward and it doesn't even seem like he's given you an apology.

Wanting a paternity test is something to discuss PRIOR to entering into a relationship and PRIOR to impregnating someone. Is he going to ask for a paternity test every time that you have children?

regina7 writes:

Thank you for updating. I really think that, for our own health and well being, you should continue with the separation while you guys seek couples counseling and individual therapy.

After reading this post, you sound like you’re right on the cusp of post partum depression because of the actions of your husband—understandably so. For your own health and your baby’s health as well, you need that distance from him.

Your husband also needs to understand how deeply he hurt you by doing all of this, and I don’t think he will if you don’t actually leave. He didn’t even apologize, as far as your post goes.

He thinks that just because the paternity results turned out well, he can just brush this all under the rug. Hell no. He broke your trust by not trusting you enough to let common sense prevail, and you shouldn’t take that lying down.

And in terms of reconciliation, please, give yourself the justice you deserve by letting him grovel HARD before you even consider letting him back into you and your son’s lives.

Let him work to gain back your trust. You AND your son (because your husband betrayed him as well by doing all of this) deserve nothing less after this betrayal.

Although there was no cheating at all, he still broke the trust you had between you by effectively spitting in your face and saying you’re capable of cheating on him and having another man’s baby.

I also suggest that you speak to family or at the very least his mother about his actions. Let people know exactly why you’re separating and why this is 1000% his fault, so that they can hopefully knock some sense into him as well.

I sure as hell hope he gets the scolding of his life from his mother and his family for doing this, and that they continue to support you as well, because again—you are 1000% in the right here.

Wishing you all the best, and I hope you can keep us updated. Good luck.

Op provides one last shocking update:

Things have gone downhill and under advisement, I can't really discuss it until things have been settled in court. I guess I'm really a cautionary tale on what can go wrong.

Please if you have concerns with your partner, discuss things beforehand, especially before you have a child. Thank you again for your different perspectives. Hoping to have everything settled eventually.

wmshaw writes:

Good for you! I very much believe, along with many others on here, that he has been cheating on you, and all of this was a smoke screen to cover up for his infidelity towards you.

I don't know where you live, in particular if you're in the US or not, but if this word of you and let's say, The Steve Wilkos show, or any kind of TV reality show, in which a lie detector test is administered, you'd be the one that would pass, and you're now ex-husband, would be the one failing big time.

Do not let him guilt trip you into coming back to him, but you stand your ground, and do everything you legally need to do to protect yourself and your child. Make sure that he takes care of his responsibilities financially and any other way as a father, but do not let him back into your life.

Somebody stated it on here very well, that if he could do something like this but this particular child, think of how he'll be with every other child that you have with him.

I strongly advise you also, to get yourself some really good individual therapy, so that you can heal from the wounds that this is caused. Just now that I'm praying for you, and if you ever need to talk, I'm here.

background6 writes:

OP- I commend you. I dealt with a partner for 10 years who was insecure and distrusting(he hid it well) and he became very abusive due to his insecurities. If I knew what I do now, I wouldn’t have had a child with him.

I would not have even married him. You are doing the best thing for yourself and your child. Follow your gut instincts- they are always going to guide you in the right direction. If anything feels off, that’s reason enough to leave.

OP has been through a LOT. Do you agree with her decision to leave? Did she make the right choice? What would YOU have done?

Sources: Reddit
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