Woman boycotts SIL's baby shower after stillbirth and baby name drama. AITA? MAJOR UPDATE.
When this woman is fed up with her pregnant SIL and won't go to her baby shower out of spite, she asks Reddit:
"AITA for refusing to go to my SIL's baby shower after the drama around my stillbirth and baby name?"
Three months ago, I, 28F, gave birth to my angel baby, whom I was going to name Siobhan. My husband "Dylan" 30M and I are still grieving her loss. We lost her due to preterm premature rupture of membranes, and there was nothing the doctors could do to save her.
My mother is Irish and I was going to name my baby after my great auntie. We were so happy, and now we are devastated.
My family rallied around us and so did Dylan's parents, but his sister was a different story. She has been helping Dylan, but has told me I need to get over "it", it being in reference to our daughter.
My Husband's sister "Claire" 34F, just announced her pregnancy at 20 weeks and had her gender reveal on Instagram. I'm happy for her, but sad at the same time because I never got to meet my daughter.
She announced she was going to have a baby shower and sent out invitations last week. When we received the invitation, it said "Help us welcome our baby, Siobhan!"
I can admit I cried looking at the invitation. Claire and my husband's family have no connection to Ireland or the name Siobhan, and when my husband asked her why she chose the name...
Claire said it sounded pretty and because we weren't able to use it she was going to take it first, and to clarify, no, she is not naming her baby after my daughter.
As much as I want to feel happy for Claire I just can't, it feels like she's rubbing the fact that my baby is dead in my face.
And I RSVPd no to the invite. She called me on my private number and chewed me out for "being a sour b&h" "not being happy for her," and being "jealous over nothing." I feel like I should be happy for her but I just can't. I just want my baby girl, my Siobhan. AITA?
Before we give you OP's major update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
happytrifler writes:
NTA. Here’s how I’d address this: Send out an email to the ENTIRE family about how touched you are that your SIL chose to honor you by naming her daughter after her late cousin. Make it sound positive as f.
Talk about how much joy you feel knowing your child meant SO MUCH to your SIL that she would name her baby after your daughter.
Talk about how knowing your niece will carry your daughter’s name with her, for her entire life, makes you and your husband feel so touched by the obviously love SIL and her husband have for you and your daughter.
And then just stick with this narrative, no matter what. You meet a friend of SIL? Tell them how much you love that SIL named her child after your daughter. Mention it to every person that stands still long enough to hear it.
Yes, it may be painful to do…but own your daughter’s name. And make sure everyone knows it was your daughter’s name in a way that SIL cannot complain about without looking like a total b&th. And it will absolutely piss SIL the f off.
pracperfectuk writes:
In addition send every single person at the Baby shower a candle and give sis in law one which is personalised with the name Siobhan on it.
Ask everyone to hold a minutes silence and solemnly light the candle and say how you think it will be lovely to be able to honour your daughter through Siobhan number 2.
Bring out a second set of baby shower cupcakes with shamrocks. Say that every time time Siobhan number two reaches a mile stone you can light the candles and honour your daughter through her too.
The thought of her own daughter having to have a minute silence at every birthday might push her over the edge.
specialistoint7 writes:
This is so disgusting and vile. I wouldn’t even do this to my worst enemy let alone my brother’s wife!! Even if she dislikes you does she connect the dots that it was her BROTHERS baby too?
I’m enraged for you. Honestly I feel like you should post the invitation side by side with a memorial photo of your angel baby or hospital bill and tell the truth of what SIL did.
That the name is Irish, you named your baby after your family and your baby passed away, then SIL decided to use the same name (with no prior connection to the name or Ireland) and told you to get over it and called you a “sour bch” less than 3 months after your baby died.
Yes, you don’t own the name but the pain of seeing/hearing a baby called that within your own family is devastating.
And then let karma do its thing. I’m sure your family and friends will have your back and rightfully put SIL in her place and hopefully the backlash will make her choose another name.
NTA if I were your husband I would immediately cut my sister out of my life. No questions, no conversation about it.
pergamom writes:
I am so so sorry for your loss. Something what you write stands out to me. "She picked it first because you didn't get to use it". But you did. You have. You are mother to a baby and that baby girl is called Siobhan.
Tragically, Siobhan died. That is heartbreaking and again I am so sorry for your loss. But you are a mother. Mother to Siobhan. Siobhan IS your daughter. You "were" not going to name her, you did.
Your SIL is incredibly cruel. I have no words. But please don't feel like your Siobhan hasn't got a name. She has. And you are her mother. I am so so sorry you can't hold her or hug her, but I do hope in the future you can write "I have a daughter who Tragically died. Her name IS Siobhan".
jtwjtw8 writes:
NTA. That would be the last contact I would have with her. It’s bad enough that she named her baby after your deceased daughter (that itself is really unforgivable) but to tell you to get over it and calling you a sour b three months after?!?!?
You don’t need this type of person in your life at any time especially now. If this was just a friend you would have ended this friendship. You don’t need to have a relationship with her just because she is family.
Just block her and explain to your husband that it was the last straw and you don’t want her in your life. I am sorry for your loss.
tinypest8 writes:
Nta. Personally, after that phone call, I would inform hubby you are going scorched earth and do not care who in his family it hurts. Then , ass text.
I lost my child. 3 months ago. Yet I am being told to get over IT. That's it. That my grief and need to grieve is upsetting , and I should just be over the death of my child.
Now, sil has stated many things and because of those. Because she decided to take my daughters name. Because she said I was a sour b*ch. That i was jealous. Because she did nothing after my child's death and instead seems only to put me down. I will NEVER be in contact with sil again.
Not her child. Not in same home for vacations for family events. Her being pregnant is no excuse for her actions to me and hubby. Her actions have consequences and I refuse to be around someone who thinks their pregnancy should eclipse my need to grieve my child's death.
That I should forget my child and support her how she wishes. This is to just make sure people are aware before she starts spreading rumors.
This is to make sure you know I will never forgive her for not only making my child's death mean nothing to her but trying to make me get over in a short time such. I will never forgive her taking my daughters name.
And then saying it's not like you can use it. To be that much a cruel person is not someone I will have in my life. If you try and support anything, she said to me. Make excuses.
Guilt me. Get me to forgive. i will cut you out of my life as well, and that will include any children I do have. I am serious about this. Respect my boundaries or face the consequences of your actions.
Then tell hubby he can do what he wishes, but you will never be in the same space as sil. Never in their life and those supporting her in her actions will be included, and that includes the kids you have.
That you understand it's his family and if he can't accept that then you can leave but you will never forgive or forget what was said and done and he can accept that or leave.
It's time to cut off toxic people. Time to place boundaries needed. ANYONE who thinks 3 months can be enough for moving on with a child's death is insane. I lost my son 27 years ago.
While I still worked, it took years to handle his death. Even now, on birthday or day he died, I am a mess. On other days, the pain and want hit me hard. You will get through this, but it needs to be at your pace, and you need to cut out those who can't accept that or support you in that.
And now, OP provides this lengthy update about the situation:
I lost my baby at 26 weeks, 2 days. If you must know. Yes. Her name is on her death certificate and birth certificate. Her Urn is in my and my husband's bedroom. Dylan is devastated, because I gave him a list of names and he chose Siobhan's name.
Dylan chose Siobhan's name of a list of family names I offered. He's a wreck. Her name means "gracious gift" and she was going to be our first child after infertility and several miscarriages. He is grieving hard.
He chose her name. I gave him a list of names in my family and he chose her name because it means "gracious gift". Dylan and I struggled with infertility and miscarriages before Siobhan and we were so close.
She was going to be my rainbow baby and now she's my angel. He's been devastated.
He chose our daughter's name. I gave him a list of family names and he chose Siobhan because it means gift and we struggled with infertility. He doesn't want her help, he doesn't even want to see her, but is going to the shower out of obligation.
He's very upset. I gave him a list of names I liked and he was the one who picked Siobhan. He loved the meaning of gift because we struggle with infertility. Siobhan was my first pregnancy that lasted longer than 12 weeks.
I have her footprints framed in my room and her ashes in a tiny urn. It didn't hit me hard until we went shopping for urns and caskets. They're so small. My MIL called me after the invites went out.
They're still going to go but she said she will try to convince Claire to change her baby's name. She's very upset and my FIL said he is disappointed in Claire.
Readers continued to weigh in on OP's update:
eridia writes:
Nta who the hell yells at someone who just lost a baby? If you have any nasty texts or voicemail I would send an email detailing how you appreciate the support MOST of the family gave you and your husband during this dark time that you appreciate it.
That you are happy to hear about the pregnancy announcement but that in order to heal you aren't able to go to the baby shower.
Let them know that when you RSVP how she treated you, send them any evidence and inform the family that in order to heal you will unfortunately be going No/Low Contact with her.
If anyone tries to yell at you just block them. You don't need fake people right now you need people who actually care about you. Of course this is only if you and your husband are comfortable with doing this.
If you are tempted to still use the name later I would also just go ahead and use it especially since you have family history tied to it. I sincerely hope you and your husband are able to heal from this.
savannah76 writes:
You are NTA and you don’t have to be happy for your SIL at ALL!!! Do not feel guilty for anything! Would you feel you need to be actively happy for a pregnant stranger? No, you would have no feeling about it at all.
Your SIL is now a stranger to you, and hopefully your husband too! There is something very wrong with her, and you can never have another baby and have your SIL in your life, or her child playing with your child - that would be pretty worrisome.
I mean how could you explain any of this cruelty to a future child (I hope you will have)? I would never trust her near any of your children, and therefore she needs to be out of your life.
Your husband and you should seek some counseling around your daughter’s death where you can discuss this trauma your SIL has caused and work out how to separate your lives from her and her husband and from any future children.
This seems like dramatic advice, but it’s not - it’s just practical and will help preserve your dignity and sanity; it defends the honor of your daughter which is being disrespected. I’m so, so sorry you have to deal with this sort of nightmare and what really feels like an assault, on top of your terrible loss.