Woman bravely tells the story of leaving her psychotic husband. UPDATED 2X OVER 2 YEARS
This woman bravely tells the story of leaving her psychotic husband:
"I Found The Courage To Leave My Abusive Husband - 2 Year Update"
I've been on nightshifts for the last 3 night's. The shifts this week have been rough, I work in an industrial environment so I am filthy by the end of the shift and exhausted, I can also be pretty grumpy. I've also gotten into the habit of putting my phone on silent so when I get home I can try to sleep better during the day.
I got home this morning, fixed my husband's cars windscreen wiper (it had come loose during the drive home) and went inside. My husband had been drinking, since before I got home, and first thing he said was "I guess you didn't get my text."
I checked my phone in front of him and noticed the message, he had sent it while I was fixing his car.
He wanted me to go get him breakfast from one of the drive thrus as well as grab a few other things from the shops.
I was irritated by his request and said (in a not so nice tone) that I was tired from work and that he could just have something from the cupboard or the fridge.
He got agitated, claiming that I read the text before I got home and ignored it because I'm "lazy", then tried to make a point that there was nothing he could eat here and that he couldn't drive because he was drunk. I checked and we have food here all he had to do was cook it, which I told him to do.
After my shower he asked again for me to go get him food and again I stated that I was tired and would be going to sleep right now. He angrily told me to get out of the loungeroom and close the door.
After I woke up, this afternoon, I went to the shops and then made dinner. He's won't talk to me and is refusing to eat what I have cooked. Admittedly I feel a little guilty for refusing to get him anything this morning or at least being kinda grumpy about it. AITA for refusing to at least go through the drive thru to get him food?
Before we give you OP's update, 2 years later, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
kitkity writes:
NTA!! if he's so damn hungry or needs things so damn badly he can walk into the kitchen, open cupboards and put stuff into pans to make food. he can also walk outside, open the car door, get in, put the keys in the ignition...
turn it on and drive his ass to the store(or, at least in this instance as he was drinking, got into a taxi). you're his wife, not his errand runner. the bigger problem you have though is the fact you husband was freaking drunk first thing in the morning.
runabaga writes:
Hilarious that he calls you lazy, yet he is unemployed and drunk first thing in the morning. NTA all the way.
My sister and I are living together. I work 9 hour shifts five days a week and she's got a shift here or there maybe once or twice a week for a few hours. Since I bring home the bacon, she keeps the house tidy and cooks supper. This works out nice because then I can focus on relaxing after work.
If anything, he should be cooking YOU food, cleaning up after you and saving the alcohol for the times he doesn't need to be a responsible, fully grown adult man. This shit should not be flying like it is.
And now, OP's first update:
My husband (39) and I (34F) have been together for 14 years. We live in Australia, he is currently unemployed and I work full-time, not sure if that is relevant or not. We have no kids.
I have been sick the last 6 days with ongoing headaches, nausea/vomiting and even had chills and a confirmed fever at one point. My husband hasn't really believed me claiming I'm basically making a big deal out of nothing.
He still went and got me painkillers, things I needed and cooked dinner so I was grateful for that and I felt like he was being supportive enough.
I've been to the hospital 3 times in those 6 days. First time it was my GPs advice after I told her I had thrown up after getting my headaches (husband dropped me off and picked me up). Second time was yesterday morning at 2am (I drove myself cos my husband had been drinking).
On top of headaches I had thrown up, had chills and hot flushes. Turns out I had a fever. I was given strong painkillers, an antibiotic and a tablet to stop any nausea and sent home. I had my GP appointment after 12pm that same day and they asked me to go back to the hospital for more testing.
I asked my husband to drive me, which he tried to protest, at first, but then did. He dropped me off and I told him I'd keep him informed about what's going on.
From then I was given a covid screen (everyone has to be questioned before they get treated), different tests/scans, fluids and asked lots of questions over a period of 5 hours.
I was tired, stressed, my headache felt like it was getting worse (I had sunglasses on because the lights were hurting my eyes) and the doctors hadn't spoken to me about any results of the tests I had taken.
The doctor eventually said that I should stay overnight for observations and that they were thinking about doing one more invasive test in the morning. They then gave me panadol and endone for my headaches.
I had been keeping my husband posted all day about the tests, and what they were doing, and when they said overnight stay I asked him to grab a few things for me and bring them up. There were a few things he needed to grab from the shops but he said that was no problem.
After 20-30 mins I was in my room and the endone had kicked in. Even though the headache was slowly going away, I was starting feeling a little depressed about my situation and wanted to go home. Husband showed up about 30 minutes afterwards with my things for the night.
I was in a private room, sitting up in bed and there were plenty of chairs but even after asking him to sit down he refused and was pacing around the room, investigating everything and was organising the things I already had with me like my glasses and phone.
I was grateful that he seemed to be caring about me but when he was talking he was talking at me not really to me and didn't seem interested in holding a proper conversation at all.
I felt touch starved by this point, I had been poked and prodded a lot that day by nurses and doctors, all of them very nice people doing their jobs but I just needed a hug. My husband always demands hugs from me at home, to the point of badgering, so I asked for one while I was sitting up in bed.
He said no. I was a bit shocked and asked again, trying to say "please I really needed one after today" but I started choking up a bit near the end of my sentence. He said no again then stated me "tearing up" wasn't going to make him change his mind.
Everything had piled up on me by that stage and I think under the influence of the endone I cried. He hugged me after I started crying but didn't apologize or offer any sympathetic words.
He just said things like "nothing's wrong", "you're being a sook" and "This is why I don't see doctors". He did give me a hug before he left, once again no reassuring or comforting words, but I was so angry and sad because this is the first time since we've...
been together that I've ended up in the hospital for anything and even though he brought me things I needed, I really needed him to be there as emotional support and he waited until I was an emotional wreak to give that to me and even then it was half hearted.
I felt so much better this morning but was tired due to nurses checking in on my every 2-3 hours. I still have a headache but it's much better now.
When I spoke to the doctor they seemed to suspected I had viral meningitis simply due to the symptoms I displayed (he explained that it was basically swelling of the membrane around the brain and that it takes a little over a week to recover from it) and that all the other tests looked good...
they opted out of the other test (which would have been painful), gave me a script for strong painkillers and then discharged me with orders to lie down and relax at home.
I got my husband to pick me up. mSoon as we got home he started hounding me to do cat litter, which I understand needs to be done but I was still tired with a headache that was now growing again and said I'd do it later on.
He then tried to berate me about it so I told him to "back off" and that I literally just got out of hospital and have been told to lie down. To which I was told I was just "being lazy." Then he tried to make me make him breakfast as he was tired because he was up all night.
Once again told him no and that I was going to have a rest and explained about the nurses. Once again he said I was just being "lazy". He even asked me if I was going to cook dinner tonight, after I had woken from a nap.
I said no I'd do it tomorrow, to which he mumbled something under his breath before he cooked dinner for us both anyway. Once again he seems to think I overexaggerated my headaches and claims I wasn't sick at all.
This relationship has always been very far from perfect, we both have our flaws, but I always thought he'd be there for me during something like this but I feel like he's proved me wrong...I'm not sure I even want to stay married anymore. If I did break things off I wouldn't even know where to start.
Would it be wrong for me to leave over something like this? Am I overreacting? Or was I being too needy or expecting too much from him? I just need an outside perspective on this.
Before OP's update, 2 years later, let's read some of the responses to her first update:
redefinted7 writes:
Did everyone else catch that this guy is unemployed while she works full time to support them?
A marriage is a partnership. You’re supposed to help build each other up, but it doesn’t seem like he’s a very good partner to you. He only cares about himself, so unless he’s willing to work on himself and fix his selfishness, your marriage is never going to work.
You bring in all the money and are still expected to do all of the household chores, EVEN AFTER GETTING OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. So, it’s ultimatum time; either he agrees to be more supportive and contribute more...
both emotionally and domestically, to the relationship (and ideally go to marriage counseling) or you initiate a trial separation. I guarantee he’s not going to like the outcome of the second option because he doesn’t have anything to contribute to another woman. Meanwhile, you’re the whole package and can do sooooo much better.
Don’t let this go. Don’t let him make you feel small or undesirable. You’re not being unreasonable by expecting support when you’re in pain. Be open to the possibility that there’s someone else out there that will love and support you through any hardship. You deserve better than your husband’s bare minimum effort.
melody205 writes:
So no one is going to mention how he sounds pretty freaking abusive? I mean, come on, he has the AUDACITY to call you lazy when HES the one without a job. Hes showing you that he doesnt care about you in, like EVERY WAY POSSIBLE.
One, he doesnt care to work to make life easier for the BOTH of you, but he knows that he doesnt have to work to make life easier for HIM. He doesnt care that working, cooking, cleaning and changing his fg diapers might be too much for you, because it's all about what he can get from you.
Two, the ONLY reason it seems he even stepped in to comfort you is because he knows that you've made it a requirement that you need SOME kind of emotional support, he is just doing bare minimum because anything more doesnt benefit him. You deserve more than bare minimum.
Three, he literally brushed off your obvious physical pain and sickness because it inconvenienced him to have to take care of you for a freaking SPLIT second among the, what, 15-16 years you said, that you have been taking care of him. He doesnt support you financially, physically, or emotionally. That's a one sided relationship.
calamatiy writes:
You're absolutely not overreacting. That's.... like, the absolute bare minimum a person should be willing to give their partner. With ANY length of relationship--- I had major surprise surgery four months after my wedding, and my husband dropped everything to do whatever he could to help me.
The hug thing is shitty, but the "well you're just making it up, get back to doing all that shit I think you should do" is REALLY concerning. How can you consider growing old with someone when they've just shown you that when things are bad, they can't be relied on? I'm sorry.
rainysounds writes:
Let me get this straight: Your husband doesn't believe you concerning your own body, your husband refused to go to the doctor with you, your husband was unwilling to comfort you when you were upset about being hospitalized...
your husband didn't stay the night in the hospital with you, when you were released from the hospital, your husband didn't care about doctor's order and demanded that you resume usual activities, your husband then berated you and called you "lazy" for listening to a doctor and not catering to his wishes, and finally...
your husband, after you have been hospitalized, diagnosed, and medicated, has decided that he knows better than not only you but the medical professionals who treated you.
No, it is not wrong to leave over "something like this." I would have questioned the relationship after the first offense. No, you are not overreacting.
Your husband is selfish and insensitive to the point that it's actually making me, a total stranger, angry. No, you were not being too needy or expecting too much. I would argue you weren't expecting enough.
Men are much more likely to leave a spouse when that spouse is ill or injured. I think you very well might be learning that your husband is one of those men. What you did definitely learn is that he cannot be counted on when you are sick or in crisis.
He will refuse to help as much as you need him to and he will only think of himself. Everything in this story implies that he sees you more as his helper rather than his partner. If nothing else, you need couples therapy. But whatever you do, do not overlook this.
He is showing you who he is, and you're only in your 30's and you're healthy now. As you get older, this aspect of who he is could become a much greater problem. You need a partner you can count on when the chips are down. Don't accept anything less.
OP's update, 2 years later:
I'm just writing this on my own page just as an update for anyone who may have seen my aita and relationship advice post a couple of years ago. I deleted the aita posts when I was with my husband as, at the time, I was worried he'd find out about it and blow up at me.
Last year I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and was sent to counselling sessions. I was debating with myself about leaving my husband during the sessions, even had some measures in place, but it was after my birthday that I decided I needed to leave for my own mental health.
On the day I had just finished nightshift, showered (at work) and opened a new bank account. When I got home I put some things into my car and as I was working myself up to go talk to him he opened the loungeroom door and I told him I was leaving.
I had this little speech that I had typed out earlier that night but it all went out the window and as hard as I tried I cried. He didn't yell or anything. Didn't try to stop me from leaving so I got the rest of the things I needed and left.
I went to my dads place first, told him and his gf then I rang my sister to let her know what was going on. I tried to have a nap at my dads, really I just wanted to be left alone until I could go to my friends place.
When I eventually got to my friends she gave me a hug, and most of the next few days were a blur. I don't think I really left the bedroom that much. My friend and her husband told me I could stay as long as I needed (as my dad and his gf have a toxic relationship).
I stayed there for a month before renting my own place. During that month my ex and I talked, he wanted to get back together and admitted to me that he was on meth.
Side note: He had used it in the past and I forgave him and he stopped using it (I stupidly believed him as he had gained weight and appeared normal but looking back there were signs).
When he was begging for us to get back together I said I'd only consider it if we went to a marriage counsellor, which he refused saying that we could be "eachothers counsellors", that we can...
"try for a baby, no more waiting", that my friends convinced me to leave him (he's told all his friends and family this) and that we can just focus on eachother. He had a list of the things that "we can focus on".
It was heartbreaking, everything I wanted was on the list, I wanted kids, I wanted him to be proactive, I wanted him to be the person I fell in love with but I knew that this was all just him trying to manipulate me. Which hurts to know.
He kept the cat in the end, I did ask if he wanted to keep her (she's registered in his name so I couldn't just take her with me).
I have come to terms with the fact that he was abusive towards me. I know I'm no saint but the way he dealt with his anger towards me was not healthy in any way.
Unfortunately my depression and anxiety has gotten worse and I was diagnosed with PTSD after a workplace accident (a story for another time) and have been having some health issues that I'm working through.
Right now I feel like I'm at a cross road and I need to choose which path I want to take. Once I get my divorce and the house is sold I won't have anything holding me back anymore. I look forward to that day.