'AITA for breaking off my engagement because my fiancé made an offensive joke about me?' UPDATED
"AITA for breaking off my engagement because my fiancé made an offensive joke about me?"
I (28F) and my fiancé (32M) have been together for five years. For the sake of anonymity, I'll be referring to him as John. John and I have had a wonderful and loving relationship for these past five years, and I truly saw myself with him for the rest of my life.
We've had our ups and downs, but not once has John ever made me feel like I wasn't enough. He's supported me in all of my endeavors and dreams, and our relationship even survived nine months of being long distance as I'd been sent to another state for work a few years ago. I truly love John, and even now, I still love him, but I have my doubts now about how he feels about me.
A little context. I grew up fat. I had been fat when we met and for the first three years of our relationship, I was fat. This isn't a problem and never has been in our relationship, but it was something I had a problem with about myself. I wanted to be healthier and to simply lose the weight because I knew it would make me happier. John was supportive of this.
He said he'd love me no matter what form I took because it was my heart and soul he'd fallen for. I had believed that as I had no reason not to. John has always made me feel that he loves me and made me feel desired.
But now, I've lost half of what I weighed before and at my age and due to being overweight my entire life, I have plenty of loose skin. I am absolutely insecure about it, and John knows this. He's made every effort to reassure me that he still finds me beautiful and that he looks at my body as the evidence of how hard I've worked and how far I've come.
He reassures me that he still loves being intimate with me and loves my body, even as it's changed. I felt so lucky to have a man who loved me so unconditionally and truly.
Recently, John and I had gone out with a bunch of our friends as we'd not been able to align our schedules until now. Whenever we go out with a big group like this, John and I usually spend the beginning of the evening and the end of the evening together at the party. At some point in the middle, we always split off to go socialize with our friends separately.
When it came time that I went to rejoin John, I had seen him with his best friend and a couple others, engaged in conversation. John's back was to me, and his friends were all chuckling about something as I approached, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard John tell his best friend that my body looked like a "deflated weather balloon"...
And that it was hard for him to not laugh when we were intimate and my body moved. I had never expected the man who spoke so warmly and lovingly to me always to talk about me in such a way. John was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He'd known my insecurities and still loved me anyway. At least, so I thought.
Needless to say, I was hurt and angry and devastated. I walked up to him, handed him his ring without a word and I left. I didn't even go to our home. I went to a hotel and stayed there. I turned off my phone and just took a couple days to just cry out my heartache.
When I turned my phone back on, there were messages and voicemails from John and our friends. Most of John's messages were apologetic and begging me to talk and come home. But then the most recent were the opposite. He said I was cruel and cold for ignoring him and breaking off the engagement without warning or so much as an explanation.
When I responded to him and told him I'd heard what he'd said, John told me that I was acting like a child because I took his joke too seriously. That he was just trying to make his friend laugh. I asked him why he needed to make his friend laugh at my expense by telling him about my body and how it looked to him or how he struggled not to laugh at me when we were intimate. He didn't respond.
Instead, as I'm writing this, I'm still receiving messages from our friends telling me that he's sorry and that I should "see how miserable he is" without me. That I'm so cold and a b for running off like that instead of giving John a chance to explain himself.
I'm hurt. I genuinely don't know if I was too rash in breaking off our engagement, but the only thought in my head and what is still sticking with me now, is that when I was fat, people mocked me because of my body all the time. I lost the weight only to still have people mock me because of my body.
And it just so happened to be the one person I allow to see me at my most vulnerable who showed me that. I know John's hurting (or at least seems to be), but so am I. Should I have heard him out? Five years and I didn't even give him the chance to explain or to really apologize.
I just shut him out immediately. I still love the man, those feelings don't go away overnight, but...you I don't want his explanation. I'm just...angry and hurt and my friends seem to think I'm throwing away my relationship over something easily fixable.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Ok_Yak_8495 said:
Omfg. He’s an arse, you deserve better! From your fiancé and from your friends. What part of telling his friend that he had a hard time not laughing during intimacy with you is funny to him? I’m furious on your behalf and I don’t even know you. NTA!
KeWiN_HUN said:
NTA, remember, not you throw away the relationship, he threw away that awful "joke." If you love someone, not humiliated her.
kittyrouge said:
NTA. I actually gasped.
VulvicCornucopia said:
NTA. I would be completely shattered. Not to mention, I would also have to wonder what other “jokes” had been told about me while I wasn’t around. There’s no coming back from that. I was thinking about how the conversation could have gone.
And it occurred to me that the prompt for his “joke” was probably someone mentioning OP’s weight loss and possibly commenting about how good she looks. How much y’all wanna bet that this man was feeling insecure bc of a nice comment towards OP and so decided to tear her down? I got $100 on it.
Professional-Type508 said:
NTA. A man who doesn’t respect you behind your back, doesn’t respect you. No matter how much he sugarcoats it. You deserve better, I believe in you.
BedroomEducational94 said:
NTA - You will NEVER unhear his words, and you will never move through life with him confident that his feelings for you are unconditional and without judgement. I am so sorry, you deserve better than that.
mintywalker1290 said:
NTA- John is disgusting and I am in no doubt whatsoever that this is not the first joke he’s made at your expense. God only knows what other things he has been saying to them to be SO comfortable to make such a “joke” in public to all of them (and where strangers could hear)...
Without fear that one of them might tell you what was said. It’s one thing if he was confiding in a close friend but it’s another completely to ridicule you this way. Disrespectful, dishonest and just plain nasty of him.
I will also add that to “joke” about this he also had to think it. To formulate the words and then decide to tell his friends as a way to make them laugh at your expense. Apparently amusing his friends is more important than respecting you. If it was me, I could never be with this type of person.
WittyWun888 said:
NTA. He intentionally made that joke, probably thinking you wouldn’t hear it. But God has a funny way of showing things. There is a man out there who will appreciate and love all of you.
John is an a-hole and you should continue to stand your ground! You may want to review some of those friendships as well sweetheart. You made the right choice & John was the one who effed up severely. Let him live with that loss.
UPDATE:
Firstly, thank you. All of you. Every one of you who offered solid advice and even just kind words…it’s meant the world to me. Second, I have left John. I don’t intend to go back or try to fix things when it’s not my responsibility to do so in the first place. And it’s not something that can be fixed anyhow.
A lot of you said it would be hard to forget that he’d said that, and you’re all right. I saw him once just to move my things out with the help of my brother (truly my hero in all of this) and despite the apologies and begging for me not to go, all I could hear was his joke and the way he laughed when he said it.
It was like it was all I would ever hear from his mouth no matter what he actually said. I told him that if he actually loved me, he would have never treated me like a joke, and that was the last thing I said to him. He’s tried calling but I’ve blocked his number.
I’m staying with my brother and John’s been smart enough to not come by because my brother told him if he walked onto his property, the only way he’d be leaving is in cuffs or a bag. John seemed damn intimidated by that, thankfully. So I feel safe here.
Going forward, I know I’ll be okay. I’m going to take time to focus on myself, move, and work towards my own goals. I think it will be a good way to let go of this relationship and what could have been by reminding myself of who I am outside of it. Thank you again. <3
Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:
Aggravating_Style544 said:
I’m floored he’s mad you won’t “let him explain himself.” What’s to explain? He said what he said. Block the numbers of any of the friends defending him as well.
MonkeyPolice said:
NTA. You did the right thing and you are a great example to the thousands (millions?) of other women who are in similar situations.
ChestLanders said:
NTA. I went and read your original post, John is an ahole. You did the right thing, there are just some things that once you say them forever change things in a relationship. Not only would this cause a person to struggle with intimacy with their partner, but for me it would also make me struggle to ever show them any vulnerability again.
I know things will be hard, but I'd focus on positive things. You lost a lot of weight! It's an achievement, it's not easy to lose a serious amount of weight and then keep it off. I am positive you will find someone who will love you as you are, but if the loose skin issue really bothers you then perhaps talk to a doctor about it.
There could be cosmetic procedures that could help, but if you go that route I'd say only do it if it's something you want dont do it for someone else.
Celtic-Brit said:
NTA - Some people will always be cruel to other people, it makes them feel better about themselves. Best wishes for the future.
Crashtard said:
Unbelievable audacity on display, I could never imagine saying ANYTHING like that about my wife let alone as a joke to my friends. You did the right thing.
Striking-Rest-6720 said:
Good for you for moving on. Your plan to focus on yourself is a healthy move and I wish you well. You and your brother sound like amazing people.
Later OP came back with these edits:
****EDIT: I showed my brother these posts and the comments and he said he’d buy all of you a drink if he could (and could reasonably afford it). <3
***SECOND EDIT: I don’t want to have to explain this over and over just in case so I’ll put it here. If you’re going to bring up the unsent letter I’ve posted FOUR years ago, here’s the explanation:
In a separate post someone found, OP wrote this:
You’re on the other side of the world, and somehow, despite all my efforts to evict you, your ghost is still right here standing in the corner of my thoughts. I try to ignore it and I don’t see it during the day, but night is always when it’s the loudest and most noticeable. Parts of you still echo within me; parts I had tried so hard to change, but somehow, they still remain.
I hear you in the things I say sometimes, and it doesn’t so much hurt anymore, but it feels... empty. I know I don’t love you like I did, but I think I still care. Even if I shouldn’t. You ghosted me, after all. Right after my birthday. Later that month, you called me, drunk and stuck in your car at a party, nearly admitting to loving me before biting your tongue and telling me that you wished I was there.
Then you vanished until I could not take the long absence anymore. I could not bear the loneliness you left me to keep, and so I left you for once. I had meant it when I said I would always care and that we could still be friends, but watching you ignore me daily became too much. The pain of not only losing the love I thought I had but of also losing you became too much for me to ignore or push away.
So I finally unfriended you. I didn’t block you because I wanted the door to still be open to you, but I unfriended you so I would no longer see you carry on without me and seemingly without the pain that I was enduring. You didn’t seem to hurt at all, and that hurt me the most. Then a month later, after I’d had my time to grieve, you messaged me.
Suddenly appearing in my life as I hoped you would, but the message you sent was only a request for me to block you. You said that I clearly didn’t have room in my life for you since I unfriended you and that I should just block you. You only noticed this a month later, so how was it that I didn’t have room for you?
You hadn’t even been watching me like I was watching you. You told me not to bother saying anything back, either, knowing that I would wholeheartedly disagree with your previous statements. I struggled with what I should do, but I had guessed that maybe this was your version of hurting.
Maybe you were lashing out because you expected me to suffer where you could see it and now you didn’t know what to do.
So I thought I was doing the right thing when I honored your request. Then it was silent. For months. Then a year had gone by, and all that was left of you was a few fond memories and mannerisms I hadn’t been able to shake. My heart didn’t hurt anymore, and I was able to breathe without thinking of you again.
Sometimes, something would remind me of you, and I’d get the urge to try to check on you by lurking over your social media, just to make sure you were still breathing and to satiate my curiosity to where life had taken you since I left, but I resisted. I did unblock you at some point, but I don’t remember why. I didn’t think about it anymore. Then there were no more urges to check, and I no longer needed to know.
I was okay with you being a ghost of my past and nothing more. Surely, you didn’t think of me, and so I would no longer think of you. It’s been over a year, we’ve both moved on and grown. Until I woke up at 4:37A.M. to a notification that you liked my recent post on Instagram. I know your username by heart, and would not mistake it for anything. I was scared to even check to see if it was real.
Why would you be seeing that? Why would you like it? So many “why”s without answers, but when I checked the post, your name wasn’t there. Did you like it and then unlike it realizing it was me? How would that have happened?
You’re not even following me. Why were you on my page then? Did you get the urge like I used to? Were you just checking on me to see that I was still breathing? Do I haunt you like you haunt me?
After the update OP got into it with some people in the comments:
YTA - honestly sounds like John dodged a bullet. Yes he made a joke at your expense and should apologize and never say that again. But if this is your level of foot out the door when “something gets tough” then your marriage would have been a failure anyway. Marriage is hard….its harder when someone has their foot out the door for any slight that happens.
branchbutt OP:
I never had my foot out of the door. I was all in with John. I gave him the opportunity to apologize over the course of this, and he never did. He continued to act like I was overreacting to a “joke”.
This wasn’t when “marriage gets tough”. The when “marriage gets tough” moments in our relationship were when he lost his job and I solely provided for our relationship for four months. Or when we had to be long distance because I had to travel for work for most of a year. Or when I was so depressed after the death of a close friend that I never left the house.
Those were the tough times, and the both of us were there for each other. Not once did either of us make each other feel bad about any of it. I didn’t mock his insecurities to my friends. When he lost his job, he was so convinced he was a failure and a poor excuse of a “man”. I never, NEVER did or said anything to reinforce that line of thinking because it wasn’t true.
I don’t need to explain my choice to you, but there was no writing on the wall before this. John taking the biggest insecurity I have and making a joke about it to his friends was a direct contradiction to everything he’d ever said to me about it. Instead of saying an actually funny joke, he decided to strike my most vulnerable point as a “joke”.
And he doubled down on that point instead of apologizing genuinely. I have the self respect and dignity to know that I don’t want to be with someone who can just mock their partner’s insecurities to others and then have the audacity to tell their partner how they should feel.
I won’t respond to anything you say if you reply to this, but funnily enough, I know you aren’t him but you’ve said a lot of the same sentiments John did.
Well, you wrote this letter about someone else whilst already with John. People in happy relationships don't write things like that about exes.
branchbutt OP:
John knows about that letter. It was something I wrote because of a suggestion from my therapist resolve my thoughts about a boyfriend I had before John that used to make me anxious when I wasn’t responded to. He actively supported my writing it as he knew it would help me get the feelings out and the words I wished I could have said to that man.
He’s even the one who suggested I post it in the Unsent Letters because “it’s the digital equivalent of putting a letter in a bottle and setting it adrift at sea. Maybe it will reach him, maybe it won’t, but at least you’ll have let go.” <- direct quote.
We were very happy and supportive of each other. He’s just done something now that I can’t look past or forget.
people don't seem to realize this is a really common therapeutic tool to help with processing trauma and emotional regulation. like people who do this are actually coping in a much healthier way than they could be otherwise, because it gets the feelings out and allows you to put them away.
I just read all three parts, including your letter. That's a brilliant letter. Even if it had been sent, there'd be no need to be unpset, ashamed, or any other words people on here are using to describe it. Hell, if I was your ex and received that letter, I'd be happy.
Then OP added this edit:
** LAST EDIT because it’s beginning to irritate me lol: The letter that was posted four years ago was not WRITTEN four years ago. It was written like two months after John and I got together. He and I had a long standing friendship before our relationship began so he knew all about the ex boyfriend and how everything went down.
A year into our relationship, I found the letter when we were clearing out old stuff out of my apartment, and we had a good chuckle about it. He encouraged me to post it on the Unsent Letters subreddit as a final farewell to the letter, that chapter of my life, and to show that I was free of it and doing so much better.
Those of you who are hung up on it are free to speculate how that makes me an awful person or whatever it is you believe, but I am secure in the truth of it and what went on. I never expected for people to latch onto something from four years ago and somehow use it to justify their harsh opinion of me and their presumed narrative but hey, it’s the internet, that’s what people do. I should have known.
Anyway, aside from that, I appreciate you all for taking the time to listen, offer your words whether they be kind or not, and for simply letting me feel heard. I wish every single one of you success and good tidings.