Woman breaks off engagement over an offensive joke, 'I don't want to hear his apology.' AITA? UPDATED

"AITA for breaking off my engagement because my fiancé made an offensive joke about me to his friends?"

I (28F) and my fiancé (32M) have been together for five years. For the sake of anonymity, I'll be referring to him as John. John and I have had a wonderful and loving relationship for these past five years, and I truly saw myself with him for the rest of my life.

We've had our ups and downs, but not once has John ever made me feel like I wasn't enough. He's supported me in all of my endeavors and dreams, and our relationship even survived nine months of being long distance as I'd been sent to another state for work in 2021. I truly love John, and even now, I still love him, but I have my doubts now about how he feels about me.

A little context. I grew up fat. I had been fat when we met and for the first three years of our relationship, I was fat. This isn't a problem and never has been in our relationship, but it was something I had a problem with about myself. I wanted to be healthier and to simply lose the weight because I knew it would make me happier. John was supportive of this.

He said he'd love me no matter what form I took because it was my heart and soul he'd fallen for. I had believed that as I had no reason not to. John has always made me feel that he loves me and made me feel desired.

But now, I've lost half of what I weighed before and at my age and due to being overweight my entire life, I have plenty of loose skin. I am absolutely insecure about it, and John knows this. He's made every effort to reassure me that he still finds me beautiful and that he looks at my body as the evidence of how hard I've worked and how far I've come.

He reassures me that he still loves being intimate with me and loves my body, even as it's changed. I felt so lucky to have a man who loved me so unconditionally and truly.

Recently, John and I had gone out with a bunch of our friends as we'd not been able to align our schedules until now. Whenever we go out with a big group like this, John and I usually spend the beginning of the evening and the end of the evening together at the party. At some point in the middle, we always split off to go socialize with our friends separately.

When it came time that I went to rejoin John, I had seen him with his best friend and a couple others, engaged in conversation. John's back was to me, and his friends were all chuckling about something as I approached, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I heard John tell his best friend that my body looked like a "deflated weather balloon"...

And that it was hard for him to not laugh when we were intimate and my body moved. I had never expected the man who spoke so warmly and lovingly to me always to talk about me in such a way. John was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. He'd known my insecurities and still loved me anyway. At least, so I thought.

Needless to say, I was hurt and angry and devastated. I walked up to him, handed him his ring without a word and I left. I didn't even go to our home. I went to a hotel and stayed there. I turned off my phone and just took a couple days to just cry out my heartache.

When I turned my phone back on, there were messages and voicemails from John and our friends. Most of John's messages were apologetic and begging me to talk and come home. But then the most recent were the opposite. He said I was cruel and cold for ignoring him and breaking off the engagement without warning or so much as an explanation.

When I responded to him and told him I'd heard what he'd said, John told me that I was acting like a child because I took his joke too seriously. That he was just trying to make his friend laugh. I asked him why he needed to make his friend laugh at my expense by telling him about my body and how it looked to him or how he struggled not to laugh at me when we were intimate. He didn't respond.

Instead, as I'm writing this, I'm still receiving messages from our friends telling me that he's sorry and that I should "see how miserable he is" without me. That I'm so cold and a b for running off like that instead of giving John a chance to explain himself.

I'm hurt. I genuinely don't know if I was too rash in breaking off our engagement, but the only thought in my head and what is still sticking with me now, is that when I was fat, people mocked me because of my body all the time. I lost the weight only to still have people mock me because of my body.

And it just so happened to be the one person I allow to see me at my most vulnerable who showed me that. I know John's hurting (or at least seems to be), but so am I. Should I have heard him out? Five years and I didn't even give him the chance to explain or to really apologize.

I just shut him out immediately. I still love the man, those feelings don't go away overnight, but...you I don't want his explanation. I'm just...angry and hurt and my friends seem to think I'm throwing away my relationship over something easily fixable.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Ok_Yak_8495 said:

Omfg. He’s an arse, you deserve better! From your fiancé and from your friends. What part of telling his friend that he had a hard time not laughing during intimacy with you is funny to him? I’m furious on your behalf and I don’t even know you. NTA!

KeWiN_HUN said:

NTA, remember, not you throw away the relationship, he threw away that awful "joke." If you love someone, not humiliated her.

kittyrouge said:

NTA. I actually gasped.

VulvicCornucopia said:

NTA. I would be completely shattered. Not to mention, I would also have to wonder what other “jokes” had been told about me while I wasn’t around. There’s no coming back from that. I was thinking about how the conversation could have gone.

And it occurred to me that the prompt for his “joke” was probably someone mentioning OP’s weight loss and possibly commenting about how good she looks. How much y’all wanna bet that this man was feeling insecure bc of a nice comment towards OP and so decided to tear her down? I got $100 on it.

Professional-Type508 said:

NTA. A man who doesn’t respect you behind your back, doesn’t respect you. No matter how much he sugarcoats it. You deserve better, I believe in you.

BedroomEducational94 said:

NTA - You will NEVER unhear his words, and you will never move through life with him confident that his feelings for you are unconditional and without judgement. I am so sorry, you deserve better than that.

mintywalker1290 said:

NTA- John is disgusting and I am in no doubt whatsoever that this is not the first joke he’s made at your expense. God only knows what other things he has been saying to them to be SO comfortable to make such a “joke” in public to all of them (and where strangers could hear)...

Without fear that one of them might tell you what was said. It’s one thing if he was confiding in a close friend but it’s another completely to ridicule you this way. Disrespectful, dishonest and just plain nasty of him.

I will also add that to “joke” about this he also had to think it. To formulate the words and then decide to tell his friends as a way to make them laugh at your expense. Apparently amusing his friends is more important than respecting you. If it was me, I could never be with this type of person.

WittyWun888 said:

NTA. He intentionally made that joke, probably thinking you wouldn’t hear it. But God has a funny way of showing things. There is a man out there who will appreciate and love all of you.

John is an a-hole and you should continue to stand your ground! You may want to review some of those friendships as well sweetheart. You made the right choice & John was the one who effed up severely. Let him live with that loss.

UPDATE:

Firstly, thank you. All of you. Every one of you who offered solid advice and even just kind words…it’s meant the world to me. Second, I have left John. I don’t intend to go back or try to fix things when it’s not my responsibility to do so in the first place. And it’s not something that can be fixed anyhow.

A lot of you said it would be hard to forget that he’d said that, and you’re all right. I saw him once just to move my things out with the help of my brother (truly my hero in all of this) and despite the apologies and begging for me not to go, all I could hear was his joke and the way he laughed when he said it.

It was like it was all I would ever hear from his mouth no matter what he actually said. I told him that if he actually loved me, he would have never treated me like a joke, and that was the last thing I said to him. He’s tried calling but I’ve blocked his number.

I’m staying with my brother and John’s been smart enough to not come by because my brother told him if he walked onto his property, the only way he’d be leaving is in cuffs or a bag. John seemed damn intimidated by that, thankfully. So I feel safe here.

Going forward, I know I’ll be okay. I’m going to take time to focus on myself, move, and work towards my own goals. I think it will be a good way to let go of this relationship and what could have been by reminding myself of who I am outside of it.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the update:

Aggravating_Style544 said:

I’m floored he’s mad you won’t “let him explain himself.” What’s to explain? He said what he said. Block the numbers of any of the friends defending him as well.

MonkeyPolice said:

NTA. You did the right thing and you are a great example to the thousands (millions?) of other women who are in similar situations.

ChestLanders said:

NTA. I went and read your original post, John is an ahole. You did the right thing, there are just some things that once you say them forever change things in a relationship. Not only would this cause a person to struggle with intimacy with their partner, but for me it would also make me struggle to ever show them any vulnerability again.

I know things will be hard, but I'd focus on positive things. You lost a lot of weight! It's an achievement, it's not easy to lose a serious amount of weight and then keep it off. I am positive you will find someone who will love you as you are, but if the loose skin issue really bothers you then perhaps talk to a doctor about it.

There could be cosmetic procedures that could help, but if you go that route I'd say only do it if it's something you want dont do it for someone else.

Celtic-Brit said:

NTA - Some people will always be cruel to other people, it makes them feel better about themselves. Best wishes for the future.

Crashtard said:

Unbelievable audacity on display, I could never imagine saying ANYTHING like that about my wife let alone as a joke to my friends. You did the right thing.

Striking-Rest-6720 said:

Good for you for moving on. Your plan to focus on yourself is a healthy move and I wish you well. You and your brother sound like amazing people.